Trying to grow

[Annewithan-e]

Hello people. A bit about me.

...I’m in a tough place.

I’m trying to learn how to face my past. I’m not very good at it. It goes against everything I’ve promised myself for my whole life, the way I’ve learned to live.

I have some really bad days, but no one around me would really know, because I work so hard to make sure I don’t impact anyone negatively. I am the ‘fixer’, the one who people confide in. But I don’t share any of my struggles or vulnerability with anyone.

I am trying to learn to talk, I have a great psychologist, but I am finding this incredibly difficult and destabilizing. Sometimes I just don’t quite know what to do with the feelings.

I am trying to find ways to release some of the hurt and anxiety, and I find myself here.

Thanks for being here x

[AliasKind]

I've long had worthiness issues, ughh could I be the something you need to believe that you are worth it? You do deserve it?

Made it through another night, sleep is one of my favourite things to do, so I go with made it through another day. Having nothing to look forward too, perhaps contributes to that sense of feeling like it will never end. I'll admit I've struggled for a long time, having nothing to look forward too and then I found this resource, Beyond Blue and I'm starting to get that hint of looking forward to something (checking the site). How incredibly small is that, but it is something that I've not felt in such a long time, so I count it as a win!

What do you love most about being with your kids? I like mocha delight do not have children, I contemplate I don't know how I would ever have them it seems like so much work. You are so valuable, I love my mum dearly, she's my favourite person in the world, I don't know what I'd do without her. Hugs to you both x

[therising]

Hi Anne

It's a amazing when we come across people or fur babies who lead us to find the best in our self. They can lead us to find we have greater patience than what we once imagined we could ever have, greater love than once believed possible, greater determination than we could have once conceived of, especially when the energy and will to move through challenges just doesn't seem there (to the degree we wish it was). They can lead us to the understanding that we are worth more, not worth less or worthless.

Would have to say, the folk who have led me to find the best in myself are my kids and my mum. While I have worked hard to fend off many degrading remarks (not letting them sink in like they used to) regarding the fact I'm a 'mind/body/spirit' gal, it's been my mum who's insisted 'Be your self. I love who you are. It's others who can't see the best in you'. My 15yo son, who's always been a bit of a sage, once said to me something which I occasionally reflect on. I recall, when he was little, him sitting cross legged with hands perched upon his knees as he said to me 'What is it you wish to know?' I indulged, 'Oh wise one, please tell me how I can be a better person'. What came out of his mouth surprised me, 'You already are (a better person)'. He was right. I'd come far but forgotten this fact. Each challenge I'd moved through had shaped me, made me greater than what I once was. Even the thoroughly depressing challenges had pushed me to my limits, reforming me into someone who could tolerate (barely) the feeling of 'soul destroying', one of the worst of all the human experiences.

My daughter who is now 18, has also been a significant life changer in my world. She raised me through the last few years of my 15 year battle with depression. She still remains one of my guiding lights, raising me in so many ways. She can easily read my moods and will not tolerate them if she sees these moods are eventually going to bring me down a little, 'Stop it right now. You know where this is going, so just stop it!'

When looking at the people or furry friends who raise us, it's so important to consider how they raise us. Every tiny detail can be of great significance, from what 'peace' or 'love' can feel like in a moment when we find it with them through to how they lead us to find the courage or level of consciousness we never knew we had. These are those who can easily sense the best in us because...they naturally can, while others simply can't.

🙂

[Artemisia]

I just wanted to reassure you that you are not alone. Your feelings have 100% resonated with me as I read it tonight and has helped me feel a little less alone.

As an aside, I adore your username.

[Annewithan-e]

Hello lovely people who have replied.
I’ve been a lot less brave. A lot more in my shell. A fair bit of pure survival.

I have struggled to be with my thoughts for fear they will overwhelm me. I have been shut down and questioning of my psych, I’m defensive. It’s hard to be here.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Anne,

I guess the difficulty with staying in your shell is that your thoughts will occupy (and ultimately dominate) that space with you. That's why talking them through can help free you up with a view to seeing things objectively - as a spectator observing rather than owning them (the latter tending to result in defensiveness).

What are you referring to as 'here'? I hope it is only your present mindset and naturally feeling frustrated at not making headway. All of your thoughts may be too much to process; why not start smaller with one thing on your list to confront/overcome?

If you are concerned about maintaining anonymity, perhaps you could use analogies that may yield ideas for you (I also find it helpful to depersonalise stressful situations by removing the focus from the individual).

One other problem from dwelling within your 'shell' is that you can only imagine what is outside and that can often be worse than the reality...

Regards,

t.

[therising]

Hi Anne

Try not to be too hard on yourself in the process of coming to know your self better. I know, easier said than done.

While the process can offer us great sudden revelations as to why we tick the way we do, it can also feel like a snails pace scenario. While I no long experience the challenge of depression, I remain in an ongoing state of self questioning and self understanding. Some of the revelations that come with this process can have me thinking at times 'I can't believe that's why I always behave the way I do in that situation. I've been doing it for years and only now have worked out why'. In such moments, there's often the temptation to say 'You're so stupid' but I do my best to resist the temptation by, instead, saying to myself 'Now, I am wiser'. As I may have mentioned before, a lot of the faults or flaws we're living with aren't our own. Beliefs and conditions are often given to us by others. The challenge is to find our true self among them. It's interesting how you can say to people 'Why do you do this or believe in that?' only to be met with 'That's just the way it is' or 'I don't know'. We humans are interesting creatures.

I have learned over time the importance of 'I am not who I believe myself to be'. Anne, we are always unfolding into a new version of our self. As I say, it's definitely a challenging process and sometimes a fearful and painful one. Letting go of our false sense of self is perhaps the greatest challenge life has to offer.

Again, be kind to your self 🙂

[Annewithan-e]

I’m just a mess. I felt awful all through my session this evening. I spent the whole time feeling so incredibly sad but just desperately holding myself together. I have huge overwhelming feelings and emotions but I can’t even identify them.

[therising]

Hi Anne

Enormous hugs to you at this time. Wondering if what you're feeling is grief.

In recalling the last time I went through a significant shift in my life, I faced the challenge of letting go of who I was, who I believed myself to be, otherwise I couldn't move on. I can remember sitting there, with inspiration insisting 'You have to let go'. I thought 'I can't. I can't let go. If I let go who I am? I'm scared of being no one'. A strange thought, for sure. Anyhow, I agreed, 'I let go'. Boy, did I sob, like some out of control maniac. It was pretty intense. Until this moment, I had no idea I was holding on so tight to who I was. You could say that I was holding it together.

While the experience was liberating, as my life changed greatly after this, I felt like I was grieving for my self. It was like a part of me had finally died, hence the crying. I'd said my goodbyes.

I've heard it said before that the ego will hold onto identity, with all its might. It will not let go because it survives through identity (how we identify our self). I believe while this part of our nature plays an important role to some degree, there is far more to us than this.

Do you feel like you're being urged to let go of something? Sometimes, the verge (of a breakthrough) is a deeply painful place to be.

🙂

[Quercus]

Hi Anne,

Is there anything we can do to help? Sometimes talking to strangers is easier.

I find just writing down words that keep repeating in my mind helped me make sense of what the heck was happening.

Another thought is whether medication might be worthwhile looking into? The first time I saw my psychiatrist he said I needed meds to calm me down before talking was even possible for me.

When you're at a point you're distressed everything can be overwhelming and just too confusing to even try understand.

Just throwing out ideas. No pressure.

I hope you can find some peace inside. Feeling like this absolutely sucks.

Love Nat

[Annewithan-e]

Interesting therising my psych was asking about my identity this week just a little. We hadn’t before that I recall. But I am most definitely on a verge. I’ve stepped to the edge a few times and run away screaming. I know I’m stuck if I don’t step over but I’m absolutely terrified.

nat,

When you're at a point you're distressed everything can be overwhelming and just too confusing to even try understand

Yes, this. She has gently suggested meds many times. I did try once for a short time but felt a lot worse, got scared and stopped. She has suggested trying again a few times but I really don’t want to.

yes taking to strangers is much much easier but I also fear exposure due to these being forums anyone can read.

I’m covering the concept of double binds a lot in sessions lately.

thanks for being here guys.