Trying to find a path

[gucia6]

Hello Everyone

I finally decided to search for help after many years of struggle. I always thought I might have had some issue, but I tried to explain it as being 'introvert' or maybe 'ambivert'. But somehow it never fitted to what I really feel.

As a kid I always felt a bit different, often tried to go against common beliefs (like trying to befriend someone who was thought to be a weirdo, admitting lack of interest for all the trendy TV shows or books that I found just boring, having my own dressing style that didn't follow the latest fashion, and so on), I was quite smart and learning was really easy for me. But this eventually caused bullying at school and being 'abandoned' by other class mates in their fear for problems. Home was filled with emotional blackmail, so I didn't even try to look for support there. Relation with so-called 'boyfriend' exposed me to his alcoholism and violence. And some people I thought as my friends, did not bother to respond even when I reached to them. At one time I thought of a quick exit, but the reasonable 'me' managed to take over, and just shut all the doors. I moved out from home, broke up with 'boyfriend', became apathetic to any human actions around me, and just focused on my education. And at that point I believed I had it under control, but how wrong I was. Over the years I managed (pushed myself) to go out to people, met caring husband, found real passion that lets me be involved in the community, but...

Recently I had a situation that triggered complete emotional breakdown, and I realized I really have a problem and I seriously need to find a way to manage it. Shutting everyone and everything away, thoughts like 'I don't care' or 'I don't really need friends to be happy' are not the solution. I don't want to hide away anymore. I want to be among people, I want to belong somewhere, I want to have someone I could call real friend and trust with my heart. I want to understand what is going on and what I can do to improve, if not the situation itself, at least my perception and reactions.

Right now I actually feel quite calm and collected, and my reasonable mind is telling me that all of this, and the reason for loosing it is just absurd, but somewhere deep inside it hurts as hell and I feel lost.

[Croix]

Dear Gucia6~

I'd have to say your schooldays were not easy ones. I don't know if you were in your original country, or perhaps over here struggling with another language. However you went your own way (which is preferable than being dependent on a group) and unfortunately came in for bullying, which is so unfair, leaves one feeling frustrated, angry and afraid all at once -and powerless,

It can leave its mark deep inside.

Having a difficult relationship with your parents made you decide to leave home - perhaps a courageous thing, though unfortunately you met the wrong person and were exposed to drugs and violence. Again something that leaves its mark. In fact things became so bad you considered taking your life at one stage

In time things improved out of sight, you became an instructor, married a caring husband and probably thought all would be well.

Unfortunately I would guess (I'm not doctor) that the mental wounds you sustained in your earlier life, combined perhaps with the difficulties of a 3rd language made you retreat, something that you now realise is not a good way to cope.

However you are still lost and hurting and just realizing its is a bad coping skill is not going to change that -not by itself anyway.

That is a very sensible view and shows a fair degree of insight. May I ask if you have started to seek medical support? I simply got worse until I did. It may be you need proper skilled medical help to improve back to that happy life you had for a while.

If you think a face-to-face talk with a doctor is too hard, write it all down the days before and hand the paper over in an extended consultation. It is not a bad way of doing things, I use it. Please put everything down, including those earlier suicidal thoughts, what has happened to you and how you feel. Be honest.

Do you have anyone to lean on, perhaps telling them how you feel? Trying to handle all this in isolation is very hard. Would your husband be supportive?

I do hope you come back and talk some more

Croix

[gucia6]

Hi Croix.

Thank you for your words.

Currently I am actually quite lucky to be surrounded by very supportive people, and luckily among them were couple who noticed I am not quite right and reached out to me (I guess it would break me completely if they didn't). I think this gave me some courage to speak, to admit that I do have some sort of problem, to research and realize that it is nothing that cannot be fixed, but will require some effort on my side and time.

Over the last couple of days I spoke to people with whom I interact and feel close (and comfortable). All of those conversations brought me back to earth. And even though they cannot offer me an easy and immediate solution, the fact of not being pushed away or ridiculed, or told that I am just overthinking things, helped a lot. Hearing about their experiences and how they see some things, opened a completely new world, I might have even started already changing my perspective and thinking that things may not necessarily be as dark as I see it, and others people lives are not necessarily as bright and colorful as I thought.

To answer your questions.

My husband is very supportive, though he does not quite understand why am I having so many doubts and insecurities, when everyone around me seem to like and respect me.

And I have not started yet seeking professional help. As weird as it may sound, right now I am quite calm and positive, I am still processing all the things I heard from people, just organising it my head before moving forward. This what happened during the last days was a huge step in itself anyway, and I feel like I need a little pause first to gather the rubbish scattered around after the storm. Also I am a bit afraid of encountering someone for whom I will be just another customer to deal with.

[Croix]

Dear Gucia6~

I thought I might leave it a few day before writing. In your last post you sounded a lot more settled and had found people who you could talk to, and started to feel you could cope better as a result.

Now, hopefully, you are in a reasonably calm state, not currently overburdened with worry.

That actually is probably a very good time to assess if you are likely to be triggered again, and if it is a real possibility then what steps should be taken.

I can very much understand your not wanting to go onto some sort of psychological 'assembly line', though I would point out that you are always in charge, and if one therapist does not fit, then you talk it over and if that does not work change to another. It can be quite a challenge not meekly accepting what is handed out but examine it critically and steer your course as needed.

I'd be very interested to know what you have decided

Croix

[gucia6]

Hi Croix,

yes, you are right. I can feel it myself, that now when my reasonable thinking is back, I have some clarity of what might be going on, what might be the reasons, and that I want to work through it. I also know what the trigger was (and it was not the first time, but I did not give a thought before) and made my mind and made an appointment with GP who specializes also in mental health support, and the fact that she is spouse of acquaintance gives me less anxious feeling about it.

But the "meekly accepting what is handed out" is unfortunately a biggie for me. I grew up in belief that I have no right to fight for what is mine, or what I would like to be or do. Well of course in adult life I am able to get what I want form time to time, but in truth this this inability (insecurity, feeling I do not deserve it) to pursue my dreams affected me in many areas of life, especially in career. But then again I have never really thought about it, I just shrugged my shoulders and told myself that I did not care, but in reality building up frustration inside, causing quite a bit of ups and downs on the way. But now understanding this I can take steps to change it, and it is better late than never 😉

Cheers,

Gucia

[Croix]

Dear Gucia6~

I am very glad you have decided to see that GP, the fact her husband was known to you must be regarded as a stroke of luck, giving you confidence. I hope the two of you 'click, it is more than imortant.

I do not understand 'better late than never' . You are a growing human being, just as I am, and I discover thngs about myself. For example for very many years I simply accepted what the medical professionals told me and swallowed the pills. I even believed their constant refrain I'd never work again.

Now I know to question, approve or discard and expect my psychiatrist to treat me as an equal, he has the very considerable theoretical knowledge, I am the expert on me. I also am very occupied with useful work that gives me great satisfaction.

Knowledge of self can be hard-won

Please let me know how you get on

Croix

[gucia6]

Hi Croix,

Thanks you for your word and support.

I feel like the visit to the GP was good choice. Even though it feels weird to talk about things I never spoke to anyone before, to person who is somehow 'known'. At this stage I really don't know what I should expect, but I was asked very accurate questions, the conversation went very peaceful and did not cause me any meltdown (which I was a bit afraid of if I would be able to keep myself together). We even have a hobby in common.

This week we have another appointment to do fuller MH assessment and see what treatment I should be looking at.

Regards,

Gucia