Today is hard

[Bron2]

Today I finally worked up the courage to tell someone outside my immediate family what is going on. Today I cried through a doctors appointment where I described how I am unable to sit still. How I feel like there is a vice that is continually getting tighter and tighter across my chest. How I can't stop the racing thoughts, the shaking, worries and pacing. How even though intellectually I know that I am breathing, in the moment I truly believe to the bottom of my soul that I can't get enough oxygen.

On Sunday night I had what I call a prolonged panic attack.My husband and I were up the entire night with me pacing and desperately trying to catch my breath. Nothing helped. Every suggestion he made was met with a stressed out snapping reply from me. He is a saint. Even when he is most frustrated with me, he is still there. He still tries to help. On Sunday night my youngest child screamed at her father to call an ambulance. Today I took the first step towards getting my life back. Something so small and insignificant as a trip to the doctors shouldn't feel like such a momentous occasion but it truly does.

Today I was given a diagnosis of moderate depression and severe anxiety. Today I started taking medication and I now have a backup supply of an additional medication in case I have another prolonged episode. Today I sat in the car and cried for 20 minutes straight. I drove to daycare to pick my girls up and cried some more. Today is hard. Today I don't feel like there will be a day when I don't feel like this. The only thing that will get me through today is the hope that maybe tomorrow I might be a bit closer to being my usual self.

[Quercus]

Hi Bron2 and welcome to the forums,

Congratulations on taking that first monumental step. It takes courage to ask for help. Good for you. There is no shame in being anxious or depressed... You're in the right place here because we all understand and are cheering for you.

This I related to...

Today is hard. Today I don't feel like there will be a day when I don't feel like this.

I had days like that often. Actually most of my days felt like that. Through a combination of meds and therapy and self help and exercise those days are much further apart now. I really hope this is the start of your journey to learning how to manage your mental illness.

One thing I found that might be worth considering... I learnt that the idea of getting back to "normal" was not helpful for me. My old "normal" was running myself ragged caring for others and putting my needs last. Swallowing my feelings and pretending I didn't have them.

Why not look forward to a new you? A healthier you? All the best parts of you with a lot more self care.

I hope your medication gives you some relief soon and in the meantime there is a section here called staying well where others have started threads on how to help ourselves. I hope you can find something there that works for you too.

Would love to hear more from you if and when you feel able. Feel free to join in on threads and get to know our community here. You are most welcome 😊

Nat

[Mathy]

Hi Bron2 and welcome 🙂

I just wanted to say Hi, and Nat has written an excellent post.

Keep believing and keep communicating here, with time, you will improve and I look forward to seeing that happen, cheers M 🙂

[Guest_128]

Hey Bron,

What a shocker, you must of been so scared with all that lead up to you going to the GP.

You have sort the advice of a professional, I hope they have organised app with psychologist and psychiatrist.

This will take time for you to feel better,it sounds like you have some fantastic family support.

You are not alone with how you are feeling,chat all you like.

Take your time,there are many that will understand you here.

Dory

[Croix]

Dear Bron2~

I've been speechless in a panic attack, convinced I was on the verge of death and all those other memorable symptoms. So I can understand. Also of course anxiety limits life, affects behaviors and skews decision making. Frightens you and those around you.

A truly horrible way to live. It can seem to become one's whole life, with any memories of how one was a distant and rather unbelievable memory.

I say all of that so you can see I've been in the same state as you, and now I'm so much better it is amazing. I'm not cured, I did have other illnesses apart from anxiety, but I live a fulfilling life with responsibility, accomplished and love. I can make decisions based on facts, not fear, and look back on the worst times as remote and far away.

To get this way I took the steps you are in the process of taking. I had medical help, therapy with medications - and support by my partner. I changed my lifestyle and take measures to deal with anxiety attacks as they occur. Not 100% effective but pretty good.

So I'm very hopeful your visit to the doctor will in time make things much better too. I think it really great you have a caring husband. As you have said he will be frustrated out of love and concern. Perhaps he, like many, feels he ought to be able to do 'something' and ease your load. The fact is being there and even just keeping quiet, maybe handing you something, is more than enough. That way you do not have to respond, except maybe a wave or hand-squeeze if you felt like it.

Lifestyle, as you probably know, reduces background stress and thus anxiety. So the healthier the better, with exercise, nutrition and sleep. Apart from those obvious things having regular things that give you distraction, take your mind out of the present, make a world of difference. I use movies and books. looking forward to such things is good.

When I feel anxiety ramping up I try to get away in a walk. I think that I've been there before and come out OK (which is a comfort) and try to think of something absorbing and different (I've tried a Christmas Card list before now). Breathing 5-3-5; in though nose, hold,out though mouth changes the CO2 balance and helps reduce symptoms. A good thing to have is the free smartphone app Smiling Mind, takes practice but is effective in putting the mind in a much better state.

You will return to a much better life, and all these hassles will all seem remote in turn.

Croix

[BballJ]

Hi Bron2,

Firstly, welcome to the forums.

As someone who has suffered from anxiety for around 10 years I can relate to your post and the fact the panic attack when they set in can be quite unbearable. I think it is just amazing that you decided to reach out for help, did the doctor suggest you speak to a psychologist at all? I have found them the most effective way to get anxiety under control. Like you, it took me ages to realise I may have something wrong with me and when I reached out for the help and along with using these forums, I learnt a lot about my anxiety and sort of how to control it.

Today is tough but tomorrow is always a chance to get better and move a little bit forward. You can do this.

My best for you,

Jay