This is ME!

[Luci_Lu]

Hi all, newbie here to Beyond Blue and a forum in general. I’m not very good at reaching out and seeking support even though I tell people everyday in my job that that is exactly what they should be doing!

I have been struggling with mental health all my life but only acknowledged it as mental health a few years ago. Until then it was "pull yourself together and stop being such a drama queen about everything" (my words ).

Depression is a reoccurring one from me and something I have to work hard to pull myself out from. I have a very (very) small network that I know love me but trauma from my childhood to early adulthood creeps up and triggers my well-conditioned and very negative mindset. I have experienced multiple traumas ranging from sexual, physical and mental abuse as a child leading on to living in a very controlling and coercive domestic violence relationship until my early 20’s.

When I finally found freedom, I was pretty broken on the inside, but had mastered the art of putting on an excellent mask to the outside world. A mask I held firm to for several years.

In 2021 a lot of traumas were re-triggered and my mask finally crumbled. After many attempts to keep going and be strong, I ended up down the path of planning my suicide as I felt this was the only option I had left. I was over trying to be strong and always failing. I seriously believed my husband and children would be better off without me. I felt I caused so many dramas and problems in our life, I would be doing them a favor by bowing out.

I was ready to go one night, my plan perfected but somehow and I really don’t know how, I didn’t.

I got counselling through that time and discovered the benefits of yoga and Buddhism teachings. I have been working hard at changing my mindset and teaching myself that I am not a bad person. A lot of bad things happened to me which I could not control. I know my inner work will be constant and at times very challenging. In my work I support others daily with mental health and know my lived experience and continued work on myself gives me understanding and compassion to listen and support others. I am very passionate at helping others and trying to make sure all I encounter never feel as alone, worthless or unheard as I have felt many times in my life.

I have never joined anything like this before and am interested to see how it progresses. Thank you for providing such a great space of support. 

[Kelpie_mum]

Hi. Some of the things you wrote resonated with me. 

I had trauma as a child and also find my self in and out of depression. I also think my family would be better off with out me.

I need to try to get my head above water again soon before I lose it all.

I secretly have an alcohol addiction and starting more and more risky behaviour.

I don't want to feel like this I don't know how to stop

[Luci_Lu]

Kelpie_mum that is a tough place to be in. I encourage you to reach out & talk to someone about how you are feeling. The world does need you - you just need to believe it too. Alcohol really doesn't help - many times l've disappeared into a bottle thinking that was the answer only to feel worse the next day and the slope downwards is quick. Be brave & reach out to someone. Can be a trusted love one or a community support/Doctor. You are not alone & you can work through this one step at a time. It takes courage, determination and time and you can change your mindset about yourself and the world around you. You are 100% worth every bit.