Struggling

[Maca22]

Hello. I’ve turned to this site in the hope of getting help by chatting with people who may understand what I’m going through. I’m a 60yo disabled man due to spinal damage resulting from a broken neck 43 years ago. It left me as a partial quadriplegic, I can walk but with a limp, my hands are effected but I’ve been able to cope. Recently I was accepted by the NDIS thinking they will be able to help me with my health issues and living issues I’m having. They haven’t, it’s made my life even more stressful. I’ve also been diagnosed with PTSD and depression and have panic attacks. I’m also having health issues with chronic back pain and losing the use of my left leg which means I’ll be in a wheel chair soon. I’m also losing what little use of have of my hands. This means I’m going to need constant care. I’ve lived an active life even though I was told after my accident that ‘I’d never walk again’, All I heard after my accident is ‘you can’t do that anymore’. I proved everyone wrong, I’ve lived a normal live and done things against Dr’s opinions and believe, things like riding motorcycles, racing go karts etc.
A few years ago I noticed it was getting more difficult to do things, pain levels increased and my emotions changed. I went from being active and never sitting for long to now not leaving the house unless I’ve no choice. I get panic attacks when I have to go out, I’m in constant pain and rely on strong pain medications for relief. I have waves of emotions that I can’t stop, I constantly feel like I don’t want to be here anymore, I’m angry all the time, I get annoyed very easily, I find myself crying for no reason.
The Drs just keep giving me more anti depression meds that don’t work, more pain medications that are morphine based and highly addictive to control the anxiety and panic attacks.
While I have not thought directly about committing suicide I constantly feel that I’d be better off if I was not here anymore, I go to bed hoping I won’t wake up,  I have a close family and good friends who have all been wonderful and cant help enough they are all concerned but I feel I don’t deserve their care or help, I feel worthless and useless. I don’t want to be here anymore!

[Sophie_M]

Hi Maca22,

It must be so difficult to be beaten down by pain, particularly when taking the pain med and living in a constant fog. We can understand how much turmoil this put you in and we have contacted you privately to offer you support. 

We would strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). 

MensLine Australia is a free 24/7 telephone and online counselling service for men with emotional health and relationship concerns. You can contact them on 1300 78 99 78 or https://mensline.org.au/ 

If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals. 

You are not alone and the community is here to support you.
 

[Petal22]

Hi Maca22,

Im so sorry to hear your pain is getting you down tonight….

Please know your not alone we are here to support you….

Sophie has given you some great support lines please give them a call and have a chat……

Macca22 just take each day at a time and if each day is too much, just take it an hour at a time, and if an hour is too much just take it a minute at a time……..

Please know we are here for you….. please chat to me any time……

[Petal22]

Good morning Macca,

Just a little something for you

Even,

If it’s very foggy ,

Cloudy or stormy,

The blue sky is always there,

For us,

Above the clouds

Macca if your pain is really distressing please go and see someone at your hospital and explain to them how debilitating it is….

Praying you will have some relief from your pain soon there is always HOPE that you can have that….

Does it help you to be in water? Sometimes it helps to take the pressure off your body

Let me know your thoughts

🙏😊

[Maca22]

Hello, I’m still here. thank you for reaching out, the last few days/weeks/months haven’t been pleasant and the thought of ending it all has been on my mind. Luckily I have so much love, support and understanding from my wife, family and friends, if it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t be here.
I have been seeing a pain management specialist and focusing on medications that best suit me and my conditions. I saw him yesterday and told him of my feelings and how dark thoughts are always on my mind and how I feel I’m in a hole and no matter what I do I can’t seem to be able to climb out. I told him while I haven’t given serious thought to suicide I have thought of ways to do it and my family is the main reason I haven’t followed through with it.
The pain management specialist was very understanding and said some of the medications I was on can have these types of side effects, he also wants me to see my GP to get a referral to see a psychiatrist or physiologist. Unfortunately it’s a 3 week wait to see my GP.
I’m feeling more positive about things especially after the pain management specialist eased my concerns about becoming addicted to pain killers, he said I’m on such low doses and in all probability will have to take them for the rest of my life and explained how this is not a bad thing. It will help me become more active which will improve my overall health both physically and mentally and talking to a physiologist will also help. So with that in mind I’ve started a list of jobs that need doing. I’m trying to do 1 a day until I get stronger both physically and mentally then hopefully over time I will be able to do more.
I’m trying to be more positive, I’m still having dark thoughts, still having anxiety but when I do I talk to my wife or ring family or friends. I still get very emotional but I don’t try and fight it, I just let it out.
I set aside an hour a day to listen to music, this is helping me relax and remember some wonderful times I had back in the 80’s, I call the 80’s my ‘happy place’, I know looking in the past is not a recommended therapy (a counsellor told me never look back) but I have so many happy memories from that time and I’m using them to make myself feel better in the present.
I wrote down and read everyday ‘I can’t stop getting older but that doesn’t mean I have to act old’ and ‘life is for living, not just to exist’.
It’s going to be a long road back but I’ve made a start.

[Petal22]

Hi Macca22,

You have made my day reading your post…. Thank you 😊

It sounds like you have really turned a corner well done Macca22! I’m proud of you 😊

Im so glad you have such a supportive network of family and friends that’s great…

I think it’s great you are seeing a pain management specialist…. Keep up with it…. I understand some pain medications can be addictive and I understand your concerns….. but as you said they can only improve your quality of life…. which is fantastic …

I understand the dark thoughts, I also had these I learned they accompany anxiety and depression….. my thoughts were very loud and on repeat they did eventually lift….so will yours…

Thats a great strategy you have in place to talk to your wife and family and friends when you are having dark thoughts….

Welldone for letting your emotions out…. That’s great….. I believe tears are healing…… I’d never cried so much before the time I went through OCD…

I think it’s a great idea for you to see a psychologist/ psychiatrist…. I saw both which really helped me with my recovery I learned how to deal with my thoughts…. I was also put on a antidepressant to help me to manage my anxiety… sorry you have to wait 3 weeks to see a gp…. But please do so when you can so you can see these professionals.

I like the sound of your list that’s really good and pro active just take it a day at a time…

80 s music is the best! I definitely think you should hold onto those happy memories….. and the books sound like they would be a good read……. enjoy them…. Let me know what they are like 😊

I understand your on your road back and I know you are going to make it! Just keep up with your positivity and all the positive things you have in place 😊 I’m always here to chat to you anytime…

[Maca22]

Thanks petal22, I really appreciate your replies and giving me a chance to vent/unload. I find writing these posts to be very therapeutic, even if no one read them, just putting it in writing feels like a huge weight is being lifted.

I’m having a bad day. Very emotional but I’m letting it all go. My father died last year and I still feel like it was yesterday. He died during the lockdown last year and we couldn’t have a funeral for him.

I was very close to him, every Thursday morning I’d visit mum and dad and every Sunday we had a family afternoon tea (until the lockdowns changed everything). I miss him every day but I feel he’s in a better place so that gives me some comfort. He was 88 and had an amazing life, married 67 years, 6 children, numerous grand and great grand children. It was his time and he went quickly and didn’t suffer. On the day he died he told me he loved me and how proud he was of me, he knew he was going.

He told my mother on their wedding day in October 1952 that he would live until he was at least 88, he died 2 months after his 88th birthday.
I have these waves of emotions that come and I used to try to resist them, now I just let it out. Can be triggered by anything, today is was seeing Father’s Day cards at the supermarket.

I also get upset thinking about my mother now being alone. There are 5 of us siblings living near her so someone sees her everyday, still makes me sad and every time I go to see her I shed a tear when I leave. We often sit and have a little cry together talking about dad and the wonderful times we all had together.

I’m lucky I come from a very close family and they have been my inspiration, especially after I had my accident in 1979 that left me a partial quadriplegic. I was a young 17yo and had my whole life flipped over. They got me through it and are still doing it today, I’m so lucky and proud to have 5 wonderful brothers and sisters and loving caring parents who have played a huge part in guiding me through life. And that’s why I could never do anything that would cause them undue pain.

My children and grandchildren have been an enormous source of comfort during my dark times, especially my eldest grandson, he’s my rock and he can always make me laugh no matter how low I might feel. Unfortunately due to lockdown we are unable to see them but at least we have face time.

Thanks again for your support and understanding.

Cheers

Gil aka Maca.

1 day at a time! 😁

[Maca22]

a quote that I’m going to try and live by:

”You can’t help getting older, but you don’t have to get old.”

😁

[Petal22]

Hi Maca22,

I really do enjoy reading and replying to your posts! I’m glad that you find posting on our forums very therapeutic… 😊

Sorry today isn’t a good day for you…

Im very sorry for your loss of your father, I can understand all of the emotions….. it must have been so hard not to have been able to have a funeral………. I think that it’s great that you are allowing your emotions to flow…..

Have you been able to do anything for the memory of your Dad?

I’m sure your Dad would have been such an amazing man…….. I think you may have inherited his inner strength and resilience…..

I’m so glad that on the day he died he got to tell you he loved you and how proud of you he is……. I’m sure he’s never far away….. I believe our loved ones that have passed are still much around us in a different kind of way…

I can understand how you would feel upset with your mother being alone….. it’s so nice that you have a lot of siblings and you are close and live close so you can visit her and remember the good times..I’m sure your mother would appreciate that..

I think it’s wonderful that your family have always supported you and also since your accident…I can understand them being your inspiration…

Its great that your children and grandchildren have been able to give you comfort in your dark times…. the light in their eyes can always spark a light within ourselves…..

Just a little something for you Macca I believe your Dad is still close by .. just have a look around 😊

Do not stand at my grave and weep

Do not stand at my grave and weep

I am not there. I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.

I am the diamond glints on the snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain.

I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the mornings hush.

I am the swift uplifting rush.

Of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry,

I am not there I did not die.

❤️ ❤️

Im always here to chat to you Gil aka Maca

How about going outside and feeling the breeze and sun and your face …..

Yes, take it a day at a time my friend 😊

[Petal22]

Hi Macca,

I like that quote “ you can’t help getting older, but you don’t have to get old”👍

I also just want to share a strategy with you… when you get the dark thoughts and they seem to repeat…… just think of it as a song that gets stuck in your head……. You know when we do get that song stuck in our head we just let it be there and it eventually goes away…..

It worked for me 😊

let me know how you go..

[Bambie69]

Just joined and the first i seen was yours. I am 57 severe anxiety and depression. I broke my wrist 1.6 years ago, also loose movement in my legs and collapse. I have just joined so will need to look further into the forum works.

Kaz