Struggling badly, just reaching out

[Wilber]

I'm here hoping to connect with others.

I've been dealing with severe depression for about 4 months. I had a crisis years ago and kind of stabilized from that but things are getting really bad again.

I recenly did 3 therapy sessions that didn't help much. I'm a 35 year old male, minimal friends, I hate my job, no self esteem. I have a girlfriend but my issues are making her depressed which makes everything worse.

I think about suicide all the time. I'm going to try medication again, I was on some before which made symptoms worse initially. So I've avoided meds for that reason. I'm just so tired of the pain and misery. My self talk is so toxic it's like I just hate myself and the world.

Anyway I'm seeing 

[Wilber]

*seeing my gp next week. And looking at other therapy options. Hope you're all doing ok today

[sbella02]

Wilber,

I'd like to extend a warm welcome to our forums, and I'm sorry to hear that you've been struggling.

First of all, I'm glad that you're seeing a GP next week and that you've been looking into therapy options. That's a good start. Maintaining hope of recovery is always a good way to start your healing journey. It may also be reassuring for you to know that you've found stability after being in this position before, which means that getting better is possible again.

I've always struggled with self-esteem, ever since I was a teenager. While I don't know what caused it, there are some techniques that I've discovered throughout my life that have helped improve my self-esteem significantly, and I'd like to share some with you.

It may seem trivial at first, but repeating positive affirmations to yourself can really help. If you don't already, I'd encourage you to keep a journal - not only can it help you consolidate all of your negative thoughts and recognise exactly what you're feeling, but it can also help you with your self-esteem. Start writing positive phrases about yourself - for example, "I love myself, I am strong, I am worthy", or even start repeating them if you feel yourself using negative self-talk. Over time, your mindset may start to shift - our brains will for the most part believe what we tell them, so if we're talking negatively about ourselves, our brains will take this as fact. It's such a simple technique, but it can help a lot over time, in my experience.

To that end, journalling can also be very helpful. If there's something that you're struggling with, or a negative thought that you don't quite know how to express, or something specific that's happened that you need to talk yourself through, writing it down in a journal can help you make sense of what can feel confusing in your mind. It's a way to visualise your thoughts and express what may be hurting you. If I'm feeling upset or unworthy or even if I'm contemplating self-harming behaviours, I'll write about it in my journal and try to express what I'm feeling in my head. 

May I ask, what is it about your job that you don't like? Is it the hours, people, the content of the job itself, clients? Sometimes, there are environmental changes that we can make within a workplace that can make our experience better, or sometimes it can be a matter of changing our position entirely (if applicable and/or feasible to do so). 

I hope this helps, and you can rest assured that we're here to support you if you need to chat some more. I'd also like to know how you're feeling after your appointment with your GP, too, if you'd be happy to share afterwards.

All the best, SB

[therising]

Hi Wilbur

I really feel for you so much, given the challenges that you face at this time in your life. It's tough, to say the least, when we return to a state of mind that we were completely convinced would never happen again. When such a state of mind proves not to be a one off, it can definitely start to lead us to question our self in a whole number of ways.

Toxic inner dialogue is definitely easy to sense. Personally, I have an inner critic that can be so incredibly brutal at times. Took me decades to finally work out it can be a seriously depressing lying b****rd, to be blunt. The lies can be so believable, so 100% convincing and this is what makes them depressing. If I didn't believe in them, it wouldn't be a problem. Water off a duck's back, so to speak. Some of the lies that can come from my inner critic

• 'You're hopeless and you'll always be hopeless'. It's not true
• 'You're pathetic and no one likes you'. Absolute load of rubbish
• 'The people in your life would be so much better off without you'. No they wouldn't
• 'You serve no purpose in this world and you are a waste of space'. What a crock of poop

But I tell you what, if my inner critic dictates all this toxic garbage to me while I'm depressed, I completely believe it all, all the lies. When I'm having a good run in life and I hear this kind of inner dialogue, I'm more inclined to laugh at my inner critic while dictating 'Shut the hell up, you're doing my head in'. I can sense what my inner critic does to me, how it depresses me, how it messes with my self esteem, how soul destroying it can be. With so called 'Inner demons' people speak of, it would definitely be one of them. And it doesn't matter what anyone may say to us, how they may try to convince us how untrue our inner dialogue is, our inner critic can have a battle strategy for every comment. Someone says 'It's not true, people don't hate you'. Our inner critic can come back with 'They're just saying that to make you feel better. You know the truth'. Or if someone says 'You're not hopeless', our inner critic can come back with 'Think of all the ways in which you are hopeless'. Now it's got you creating a depressing list.

I believe we're multifaceted creatures, with many facets, not just this one (the inner critic). While it can feel completely impossible to tap into other facets, it's not as impossible as one may think. What part of you brought you here to the forums? I could be wrong but I imagine it wasn't your inner critic.

[Wilber]

Thank you guys for replying. I appreciate your time to read my post and offer support. I actually had quite a good day on that Saturday. Posting on here felt like a step in the right direction. I also saw some friends and contacted others (turns out I do have some) 

I'm basically really bored of my job and feel like most of my customers don't value or respect me (I run a small business) I'm starting study soon so I'm hoping that will be positive for me.

GP appointment went well, he encouraged me to seek out another psychologist which I'm working on. I get along really well with my GP which helps a lot.

I've had a tonne of anxiety today and not sure why. It happens to me quite a lot. I wish I knew what to do about it. Thanks guys hope to hear from you soon. TheRising- I guess it was the part of me that knows deep down that things can get better.

[therising]

Hi Wilber

Sounds like you've managed and are managing a number of positive steps forward. It can definitely be hard to see the way forward when 'the seer' in us has kind of gone offline. I think sometimes it can feel like 'Oh my god, I think I'm broken. I can't see anymore!'. In the past, our visions of the future can be so clear, so vivid, and then on occasion it gets dark or hard to see. I imagine you had some kind of vision before you started your business. It may have begun as a bit vague but became clearer as you went along. It can be hard, to suddenly lose sight, when we're used to seeing so clearly at times. Personally, I have some really good seers in my life. They can share with me their vision for me. If I can relate to it, I'll follow that vision until things become a little clearer and the seer in me starts to come back online. The dark times are definitely more easily manged when we've got a really good seer, a guide with a clear vision. I imagine your friends have a vision for you.

[sbella02]

Glad to hear that you've been feeling a little better, I hope days like that can offer you some reassurance that feeling low isn't permanent. 

By anxiety, are you referring to anxious thoughts or is this more of a physical feeling? Anxiety can manifest in different ways, and there are different ways of dealing with each one. Regardless, reconnecting with nature is another way that I like to calm my anxiety (in general) if I'm struggling a lot - just existing outdoors, listening to sounds and feeling the air on my skin. It can be super grounding. 

Once again, I agree with what TheRising has said about having a vision for your business - reminding yourself of why you started that particular career course can help redirect your focus and gain you back some motivation. The more enthusiasm you project, the more clients/customers tend to gravitate towards you and what you're offering.

Study should also help to restore some of that motivation, are you studying on campus or online?