Struggling Alone

[One_More_Day]

Hi,

Poor decisions and behaviours (poverty thinking/undiagnosed mental health condition?), led to the end of my marriage twelve years ago.

Today, I am unemployed, have no family or friends and have lost all interest in life. I haven't left the house for six months and spend most days in bed.

I grieve the loss of my family every moment of the day. It is inconceivable to me to think there can be happiness and joy again.

Job Seeker just covers my mortgage and expenses and I am increasingly unable to keep a job. I have not worked since Sept 2023.

I called the suicide line a few hours ago but was put on hold for a long time, which is when I came to this forum.

While it is comforting to be amongst people with shared experiences, it doesn't alter the harsh reality of my life nor resolve present, concerning issues.

I am 55, have two degrees, had a perfect life, and now I am at great risk of adding to the growing statistic of homeless middle-aged women, if I live that long. I hope everyday I will die and have abused alcohol, cannabis and food as a slow form of suicide. I hope I will just collapse one day and it will all be over.

I was on anti-depressants at the time of my divorce and seeing a clinical psychologist. Neither helped. I just don't have confidence anything or anyone can lift me from this living tomb.

OMD.
 

[indigo22]

Hi OMD,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for reaching out to us.

I am so sorry to hear how low you are feeling at present, I have been there myself and I know it is not easy to see a light at the end of the tunnel. It is so difficult navigating life under those conditions.

You said that you had tried antidepressants, sometimes you need to try a couple of different ones to find what type works best for you. Do you have a good GP you can talk to, via telehealth if necessary? It may also be that the therapist you were seeing was not a good fit for you, could you perhaps try someone new? Life is not meant to be unbearable so if there is anything you can do to improve things, you owe it to yourself to try.

If you would like to continue this conversation, please feel free to do so. You are not alone, we will be here for you.

Take care,

indigo

[One_More_Day]

Thank you Indigo,

My GP resigned a few years ago and to tell you the truth, I don't think she was very good. I have become cynical about GP services which are seriously lacking in genuine understanding, care and basically, knowledge - "scriptologists" - in my opinion. Last year I connected with a GP who prescribed medicinal cannabis and I have to say, it certainly sorts my depression and mood out, but have gone even more backward financially and socially as the stigma ostracised me, so I no longer take it which is and isn't good. Medicinal cannabis is the best drug out there in my opinion, but the cost and social issues are a big price to pay. I like it because it's natural, easier to metabolise, and it makes me feel fantastic, but there's a big price to pay until costs come down and cannabis is more accepted in the community. A shame society can be so backward.

I tried a medication many years ago and hated it, made things worse I think.  I am hesitant about pharmaceuticals and their nasty side effects.

The clinical psyche I was seeing at the time of my divorce was not overly effective other than to let me rant about myself for an hour - I find this with all the practitioners I've seen. Even the people on the other end of Lifeline and Beyond Blue can only direct you to a website - no concrete solutions. These forums have lifted the burden more than anything has, so thank you.

How long did it take you to find the right mix of gp and pharma Indigo? That's another thing, I do not want to be chained to the health system whereby my life become appointments and drugs. 

I just need a job I can fit in with and stay with, or win lotto to take the financial pressure off. Without financial pressure, in my opinion, we would have far less mental health issues in the community. Money is a big one I think.

Anyway, it's great to be able to get it all out there, lighten the load a bit. Still, a long way to go.

Take care.

OMD.

[indigo22]

Hi again,

It really is a shame that something that does help you is financially just out of reach for you. It is also a shame that people can be so narrow minded and judgemental about things they have no knowledge of.

The stigma with mental health is not as bad these days but it still has a long way to go. I have been dealing with Dysthymia and Major Depression since I was about 12 (now 63) and back then no one even recognised the signs, let alone want to talk about mental health. I was not diagnosed until I was in my 40s, by that time it was becoming chronic. The first GP I saw tried me on an antidepressant, but it just made me stare into space. A different doctor at the same clinic suggested a different one, I was no longer staring into space but it still wasn't really helping. A friend suggested his GP who had done some additional studies in mental health and had a good understanding of it. He put me on the antidepressant I am now on, and have been on for about 16 years. There are a couple of minor side effects but nothing I can't live with. At the same time I was seeing a social worker when needed who helped a great deal, I was able to work through a lot with her over about 10 years. The difference with a social worker is that they also take environment into account with mental health, not just the psychological aspects. They can also be more affordable for people who are struggling financially.

I ended up moving to a new location and dreaded the idea of having to change to a different practitioner, but I have been really fortunate to find a GP who actually listens to me and takes the time to explain things when I ask questions. I was also able to find a psychotherapist that I am very comfortable with, she is very helpful and I am seeing her once a month.

I think you have probably been put off by medical practitioners that don't have a lot of experience with mental health. Could I suggest perhaps ringing around your local area and surrounding areas to find a GP with a background in mental health. Then try to find a therapist you feel comfortable with, who also has some tools to help you rather than just talk therapy (nothing wrong with talk therapy, but it sounds like you would like more).

There is help out there, sometimes you need to look under rocks to find it, but it is there.

You are welcome to offload anytime here, we all do it when needed.

I hope you find your way out of the black hole soon 💜

indigo

[One_More_Day]

Thank you Indigo22 for your time and insights and well done for pursuing and finding the right combination of supports to help you, and for sharing your journey. It's really helping having support like this. I really appreciate it. 

OMD.

[randomxx]

Hi op and sorry to hear about things.

Just wondering about the medical cannabis , suppose it's not claimable then eh ?

Just one thought on all that though , lf it had that sort of improvement on your mh then a smaller amount would probably still do you very well or far better than nothing at all considering the way you've been feeling. And as you say it is natural too which is also a huge thing considering the side effects of some of the meds out there. So if you didn't have any side effects with that bc some do, then if it was me l'd find a compromise.

You can adjust to that sort of thing and train your resistance right down so that you need less and less for the same benefits. l use to use it for sleeping but when l do now l only use and need a 1/4 of what l use to need for pretty well same result l've just trained myself down.

So in your case if you could to and so to need a lot less that'd keep it far more affordable bc really, if you've found something that works in your frame and with no side effects well, that's a huge thing when it comes to depression, huge.

As far as any stigma goes well, most people wouldn't even need to know anyway and the few people close if they can't handle it then to hell with it, maybe you meet people that can.

Good luck with things anyway and all the best

rx

[indigo22]

You are most welcome, glad to be of help, please let me know how you are going.

I will be here if you need help or just need to talk.

Please be gentle with yourself,

indigo

[YourImaginaryFriend]

Hi there one more day.
Your description of your mistrust in gps and medication really resonated with me. New user, just signed up, 31y.o female going through the same shit. I think I just feel socially isolated and cynical after covid. I don’t even know what day it is sometimes and I feel myself slowly rotting away. (my stupid fault for thinking I could tackle life cold turkey). I’ve tried every anti-depressant over the years and some work but mostly just make me feel like I’m on autopilot and it’s not even me behind these eyes.
I have been a drinker and smoker but now they don’t even do it for me. Food is my current comfort also but it’s a double edged sword being fat and feeling even more ugly on the outside than you feel inside. If you ever want to reach out I’m here. Not going anywhere. Specifically can’t get off my couch. Absolutely paralysed with depression today. I haven’t brushed my hair or teeth for a week because everything is just SO MUCH EFFORT. Watching the clock tick by seems to be the only safe bet to make it through the day and do it all again tomorrow. 

Anyway, just wanted to let you know you made my day by being so relatable. 

[One_More_Day]

Thank you for responding YourImaginaryFriend,

So sorry to hear you are paralysed with depression. It is such a trapped way to be and the smallest tasks seem impossible. Staying in bed or on the couch is safe and familiar, undemanding, soothing. It's such a waste of life, but that's what depression does. I clean my teeth to give my day purpose and it lifts my mood if even for a moment. And a shower washes away the constant thoughts, if even for a moment, even the smell of shampoo and the smoothness of my hair after washing it, is at least a good moment with no ticking clocks.

Sleep, breath, repeat and think kind, gentle thoughts.

OMD.

[YourImaginaryFriend]

“Safe, familiar, undemanding and soothing”  You hit the nail on the head there. That’s exactly what it is! I think to myself “if I don’t move, nothing bad can happen”. I even rewatch movies I have seen many times because it’s a predictable experience and you know what you’re getting and how you’re going to feel after. And it’s really just self perpetuating because yes, nothing bad happens for the day, but also nothing good. Just. Nothing. For days and weeks on end. I do identify with the feeling of showering (when I get around to it in my busy schedule..😂) and it is lovely to feel clean, but as soon as self care moments are over, I go back to being paralysed from making even basic choices and can’t make any more executive functioning calls, like where to go or what to do with my new clean state. It’s like even that shampoo and hair mask goes to waste in my eyes. 
The worst part is I got a dog for company and to give me a reason to get out of bed each day. And it works-that’s where ALL my daily energy reserves go, but I’m not doing any of my life for me anymore, I’m just hyper-focusing on my dog and getting him to have the best life possible so I force myself to do beach walks and hiking when in fact I don’t really enjoy anything.. Getting through it slowly. One walk at a time. And just trying to fake my brain into thinking I’m doing something good and having some sort of positive impact on a creatures life. That’s enough purpose for me I guess. 

Some door knockers from the church came to my door the other day and ignored the “do not knock” sign; (ring doorbell instead-which is out of battery- on purpose so I don’t have to interact with people) and I came to the door full of rage because said dog was going off. I blasted them for knocking as soon as I opened the door even realising who I was talking to (it could have been the police for all I knew but my mouth works faster than my brain clearly) and they said a genuine sorry and asked if there was anything they could do for me, and I just burst out crying, managed to get out a sheepish “no, thankyou” out, and closed the door quietly on them. They left a note after they were done knocking on other units and said “sorry for knocking, we hope you are ok, please reach out if you need anything” and left their mobile number. 
I’m not religious but I would 100% consider joining a church if there are nice people like that out there. I felt so bad and cried more after that note. Why did I have to be so horrible to them. They were just girls my age and looked like potential friends. I have literally been screaming out for friends my whole life and they turn up on my doorstep and I can’t even act properly. 

I also agree OMD that these forums have been more of a positive impact than any therapist I’ve seen lately. 

So, thankyou for listening and I hope you are doing well. Sorry for going on about my stuff on YOUR post. I just needed to get that out. Thanks. And sorry.