So very tired and looking for support and an understanding ear

[Looking_for_balance]

Hello. Here I am, hoping that this year would start better - as many of us are. I am reaching our (first time visitor, first time poster), because I am at a loss as to how to get balance back in my household.

2020 my partner was stood down. It was also the year that I insisted we have counselling because of a lack of communication, and some other frustrations, surrounding what I believed to be their declining mental health, or rather, a lack of having a long-standing issue addressed. Counselling was short-lived and nothing much changed.

2021, saw us going to the Dr, and having sleep studies, medication and counselling, all insisted by me. Medication has maintained, the rest they have not followed up. In May they injured themselves at work and have been on workcover ever since.

2022 saw a close friend of ours give birth... as exciting as that is, we have been doing IVF for the past 4 years, and have recently decided to stop, due to age and lack of success.

Throughout this time, I have remained stoic - I have cleaned up, worked, paid bills, supported, counselled, insisted, been the coach, the mother, the accountability buddy... but I am so tired.

I need to grieve. I need help. I need to come first for once. Yet I can't see a way of asking for this, and receiving it 1) because they are not capable, and 2) whenever anything happens that is a challenge or that is when I might need help, they become ill. Physically, but my guess is caused by his mental illness - i.e. the stress of having to be the supporter causes them to get sick.

I love them - and I feel as though I am thinking about leaving/deserting/adding more pressure in their moment of need - but, all they seem to do is need. And I am running out of care. They have just taken the last 2 days off because they are unwell - stressing they could have covid, yet have none of the symptoms, and also, while I shop, work etc, they still want to hang out in communal areas of the house - so when I asked if they should be isolating, they've taken themselves off with their tail between their legs like I am the mean guy/the mean mum... and I can't even be a mum which makes it all the worse!!!

Anyway - I figure there are some people here who also carry the emotional, financial and life-admin load of their relationship, who can shed light on how to get through this (does it ever end?), or whether this is as good as it gets.

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome.

do you mind if I ask whether you get any time to yourself?

it sounds as though you might not be able to from reading your post - you are doing everything around the home. Beyond blue as resources for those who support others with mental illnesses.

One thing you could do (for yourself) is to see a counselor yourself about your situation and to find ways of moving forward. It might also show the others in your family that getting help is OK.

Also, do you have any support for yourself outside of your immediate family? Someone that you can talk to?

I know my reply is very short compared with your post. There are things that could be done, and it could become better for you, For example, can the others take some responsibilities? My dad has issues, but mum said said he needed to look after is own medication.

anyway, I am listening if you want to chat.

[Looking_for_balance]

You’re right that’s a big part of the problem - he never leaves the house so I don’t get time to be alone, unless I leave.

[Looking_for_balance]

Oops, clicked post too soon. I do see a counselor and I’m open about this. I don’t talk much to family and friends, because when I have, they have treated him differently, and I don’t want that for me or for him.

[smallwolf]

again... 😞 For the lack of support on the home front.

Have you found talking to the counselor helpful?

And, y you don't have to go into detail, do you feel you have worked out any ways with the counselor to make things easier for you at home.

[Looking_for_balance]

Not overly - it’s fine, but doesn’t necessarily provide me with tools to deal with the all day every day responsibilities I am carrying - which is why I am hoping that someone with lived experience can shed some light on how to get the balance right - or when to say enough is enough.

[smallwolf]

One thing I had to do but for a different location was to make a list of all the things that I did.

Then go through the list and see if there were things that could be done by others. In my case it was kindness vs self sacrifice.

Well... There were things that others could do.

This also relates to boundaries. And are there things you say yes to, that others can do. It can be hard to say no.

At the end of the day these are a couple of ides that worked for me to help get back time for myself.

[therising]

You're such a beautiful person Looking for balance, it's so easy to see. Your partner is truly blessed to have you in their life.

You sound so thoroughly exhausted and understandably so. To be low in mental energy, low in physical energy and low in spirits is something that can really start of take a toll. I think one to the most significant questions in the life of someone who raises another is 'Who raises the raiser of others?'. There can definitely be times where we can be left thinking 'Hang on a second, no one seems to be doing anything outstanding to raise me'.

I believe, whether a partner is depressed or not, there are ways they can raise our spirits. Saying 'Yes' to the kind of work they don't want to do can make a difference to not just them but us too. Saying 'Yes' to a sleep study or saying 'Yes' to seeing if a different counselor might be the right one may be hard to do but if the plan to achieve them is simple, simple can be achieved with the right support.

I think there's only so much resistance we can tolerate. When we're trying so hard to make a difference to someone and to our relationship and when pretty much all we're working with is resistance, it begins to define the relationship. To some degree, it becomes a relationship largely about resistance, which can easily escalate to intolerance.

While my husband doesn't struggle with mental health challenges, he is someone who is know to be pretty resistant to change. I used to tolerate it, a lot, until it became intolerable. You know it's intolerable because you can feel it. You can feel what exhaustion feels like, you can feel what frustration feels like, what agitation feels like, what heartbreak feels like and so on. All those feelings we feel can be so physical. What we can feel is, in a nutshell, dis-ease (great physical/emotional unease at times). If we can feel ongoing dis-ease, it's never a good thing. What do you think, at the moment, would be the best medicine for you, yes you? Don't worry about your partner in this moment, focus on a dose of medicine for yourself. A night or entire weekend out with friends? A simple bubble bath while gorging on an entire box of chocolates, while listening to relaxing music. What does your dose look like? What comes to mind, that relives you of dis-ease? Perhaps it's actually a solid sobbing session of pure venting, just to release some of what's built up over time.

Btw, if you don't mind me asking, what was the sleep study in relation to?