So a have BPD , Trauma , Major Depression and SH

[Evanthia04]

I have been suffering for over 3 years now , but the last few weeks have been the worst for me .. I have been self sabotaging everything l do and possibly treatment resistant . I have been seeing alot of specialist and still hitting the brick wall of frustration .

I feel l am not being heard , seen and ignored.

I have hurt myself and l am left with scars that are a reminder always.

I want to move forward . but feel l am stepping backwards always.

The struggle is real , the fear is real and the l am not sure where to go from here.

[yggdrasil]

Hi Evanthia04,

Ah really sorry to hear about the injuries, that's really tough. There is always hope however, and you can slowly put yourself back together, it just takes time. Do you have any physical therapy routines planned for your recovery after surgery? Are there any other exercises possible while your knee is out of action? You can slowly turn things around. It's a years long process, but you can do it.

Have you ever had an inpatient stay in a psych ward or PARC? I've done three different stints over the last 12 or so years. While the system is far from perfect, they can be places of recovery from the really low points. When you're at your lowest you think you'll never come out of it and your life is over, but you really can slowly turn it all around. I'm doing a PhD in science now, and have published papers and stuff. I never, ever thought I'd get to this place when I was in the wards, but you can do it.

You have to look for the smallest, smallest victories you can find throughout the day and keep pushing forward. If walking is too painful, could you try lifting weights? I just used cans from the kitchen before I had actual weights and they worked fine. Don't let your mind downplay or trivialise any little victory, no matter how small. We're always comparing ourselves to "the best" and that makes our own achievements seem small. When your in a really dark, low place, even just making tiny, tiny little decisions to make things better, like making sure you're drinking enough water, and eating properly throughout the day, are huge victories.

When you make a little mistake or backslide a bit, it's essential to be kind to yourself, and try to let it go quickly. If you've gotten stuck in one area of your life, like say exercise, and it's starting to make you feel frustrated or depressed, you can just press pause on that area for a while and focus on something else for a bit.

Have you ever done colouring in? I did heaps of colouring in when I was in the PARC last time and I found it really helped calm my nerves, center me, and scratch that "anxious-energy" itch. You can buy books or just print sheets from online (https://www.crayola.com/free-coloring-pages/print/ornate-dove-coloring-page/). All the best,

yggdrasil

[Evanthia04]

Hello Petal22,
Yeah these pills are seriously horrible . On to the next ones l guess.
I was told l am suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder , and if you go though the list of symptoms l meet just about them all.
The visual disturbance's are so real and at times l feel l am talking to back to them. Always in my head and around. She wont leave me alone.
Nope l'm not in any therapy group. I was suggested DBT but l turned them down.
Its a rollercoaster of many lows and little high's.
Anyway , thanks for replying

[Evanthia04]

Hello yggdrail,
I have been tp physiotherapy for over a year and a half and recently stopped as l cannot afford to pay.
The exercises given are difficult presently , so all l am doing is walking as painful as it is. No one can walk for me LOL .
No l haven't been to the Psych ward , normally l am patched up and sent away. Easier that way l guess.
Presently no motivation to do much , l bought the small weights , exercise bike , resistance bands and balance ball and it sits there, waiting to be used.
I also bought the adult coloring books , puzzles and diamond art canvas to keep distracted but l just put them on the bookshelf , like everything else cannot bring myself to start.
I say tomorrow , but that was weeks ago.
I want to try and push forward but l am afraid so l remain scared.
I feel everything and everyone.
This isn't and wasn't my life. It was good once upon a time and it all crashed down.

[Petal22]

I’m sorry that the medication you were on didn’t agree with you.

Would you consider a therapy?

I did metacognitive therapy this therapy changed my life it gave me the tools I needed to master my OCD.

[yggdrasil]

Don't beat yourself up about things being too scary to start. I understand that completely. Even just taking the step of buying the weights and colouring etc is a fantastic start. It's a victory in itself you should be proud of! Don't worry about the fact you haven't used the stuff much yet.

I would try setting the smallest possible goals with it. So small it seems silly. Like just trying to pick up the weights, then putting them back down, and that's it for the day. Or just drawing one line on the colouring book, then putting it away again. You could even try doing this right now! It sounds silly but this approach helped me get forward momentum again when my life completely fell apart. Celebrate even the tiniest wins. You could try writing down three little things you accomplish each day. Like I said above, you should be proud of taking the step of buying the gear you have and setting it up. You don't need to commit to a full hardcore work out, or a colouring in masterpiece, just the smallest, tiniest possible engagement. Things become monstrously scary in our minds, but if we give ourselves just a little push to do the smallest, tiniest thing possible, we slowly realise how much we can actually do, and things gradually become less scary.

I'm sorry to hear you can't afford the PT anymore - maybe there are some YouTube videos that would help? I watched Joe Wicks videos when I was getting back into exercising regularly. There are lots of chill yoga videos on YouTube too.

Have you heard of PARCs? They're sort of like sharehouses managed by nurses, psychologists, family therapists etc. You get the support and structure of a psych clinic, but also the freedom, autonomy and privacy I believe are really important for recovery. All the staff are "real" people and many have experienced mental health challenges themselves. Overall I've found the PARCS a more supportive environment than psych wards. Do you know if there are any PARCs in your area? If you mention it to your GP and/or psychologist they may be able to help you self refer if you think they're something that would help you. Take care of yourself, and congrats again for taking the step of posting on here, doing your walking exercises and buying the weights and colouring in!