Self-victimising and self-destructive, but time for self-mastery!

[MaxPotential]

Hi All!

So pleased that I have found this forum and am brave enough to reach out for support! I couldn't have done that 12 months ago as I was too busy blaming others, blaming the world, rather than looking to the one place where the answers might be found, myself.

Now that the barriers are down, I think I can drag myself out of the pit I have dug for myself. That said, I am very isolated and could really use some support, so I really hope I will find it here.

Every great journey begins with just one step! Onwards and upwards!

Matt 🙂

[MaxPotential]

Oh, I just realised that I didn't even give you all any background on what led me here. Long story, but I will try to be brief.

I am the proud Dad of 18-year-old sons who I love very much. I separated from their Mum a long time ago and things were manageable for many years. But about 5 years ago we ended up in family court and my life spiraled out of control. My performance at work collapsed in a heap and I lost the goodwill of my colleagues, secured a voluntary redundancy and shamefully scurried into my cave. I was self-medicating, drinking and taking drugs and generally behaving in a very self-destructive way.

Six months later, my redundancy payout was gone and Centrelink wouldn't pay me Newstart for another 6 months. So I lived off the smell of an oily rag, ended up in massive rent arrears and was evicted. I then spent 6 miserable months in a men's shelter where I think I cried more than the other 40 years of my life. I managed to secure another home via early release of superannuation and was elated to be able to have my boys stay with me again. Alas, COVID-19 hit and I still hadn't dealt with my mental health issues, so fast-forward 12 months and I got evicted again. Fortunately, I secured a government flat within a week or two. I have been here for a few months now and am finally starting to see light at the end of the tunnel.

The last few years have been hell on Earth. I have lost my job, my family, my friends and my dignity. The worst part is the shame I feel as a Dad, the feeling that I have failed my sons. I have always been very close to them and shared their care around 50/50 with their Mum, but in the last few months one of them decided that he doesn't want to stay with me for the time being. I am absolutely gutted, but I don't blame him.

My son's decision is probably the main trigger for my recent introspection. I have been blaming the world for my problems, crying victim, demanding justice. All the while, I have been setting a poor example. I need to suck it up and move forward, persevere, and engage with the world again; do so with a sense of optimism and humble gratitude, in a way that makes me likable again.

I tried to secure support for my mental health countless times, but I never got anywhere. So that's why I am here. I need mental health support as I venture back out into the world again.

I will be around the forum offering my support to others. Talk soon!

Matt

[Sophie_M]

Hi MaxPotential, 

We want to start by saying how thankful we are that you were able to share your story with us here on the forums. It takes great courage to reach out for support and we can imagine it was not easy to write it all out. This is a great example for your sons and a wonderful step along the path to feeling better. Relationship difficulties, financial hardship and COVID-19 is an incredibly tough combinaion of events that you have to deal with. Well done on trying to find support again, it must have been a tough time and we are so sorry to hear that you have been feeling so low. 

There are a number of resources that we think could be useful for you, especillay some phonelines that can help with support right now and with finding ongoing help with how you are feeling. They are listed below so you can decide which feels best for you. Feel free to try them all if you like to see which service fits your needs most. 

We also think that checking out the Mens Helpline website would be useful - they have great information for men who are finding it tough.

Phonelines
Mens Helpline 1300 78 99 78
Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636
LifeLine 13 11 14

We hope there is something for you in the options above, even if you don't know what to say the wonderful counselling teams who answer those phonelines will be able to help guide you through. 

Please feel free to check back in and let us know how you are going if you feel comfrotable. 

Kind regards, 

Sophie M

[MaxPotential]

Thanks so much for your lovely reply Sophie M!

I will be sure to call the phone lines you provided. I think I called some of them a few years ago, but I did so from a completely different headspace - one of resentment and entitlement, rather than vulnerability and gratitude.

I will check back in again soon and let you know how I am faring!

M 🙂