Seeking Help After Years of Suffering in Silence

[Becky087]

My name is Beck and I suffer from General Anxiety Disorder and Social Anxiety with intermittent bouts of Clinical Depression, all triggered and exacerbated by stress. I've been going through this for years and only recently have started seeking help. The things I struggle with most are social events/situations, my University study (getting things done on time such as my readings and assignments), seriously self-destructive avoidance, everyday things such as doing the grocery shopping, getting my prescriptions from the chemist and basically any activity that requires social interaction with anyone at all.

I feel incredibly self-conscious in public and feel like people are staring at me and judging me for how I look. I spend a long time deciding what to wear and making my make-up as perfect as possible and then still being unhappy with the results and giving up. I don't like the way I look (my weight, my face) and it affects me to the point that I just don't want to go out anywhere because I don't think I look nice enough. People (family, friends, acquaintances) often tell me I'm pretty but I feel like they're just being polite and I don't believe them.

Beyond all of that, I simply feel stupid when interacting socially in public, which is ridiculous because my IQ is 124 and I'm a capable student, I know I'm not stupid. I always feel like I say dumb things or the wrong things, I'm also very introverted, so when in conversations with others I'm not really friendly with, I'm very quiet and often spend a long time considering what to say. With my friends, I'm less so, I can express myself verbally once I'm comfortable with people. I don't like making eye contact with people in general, it makes me feel uncomfortable and confronted.

I have a list of self-destructive habits, such as avoidance of incredibly important things just because they intimidate me, putting things off until the last minute, worrying over things that don't concern me, worrying over things I can't control, hating not having control, laying awake at night because I can't stop thinking and worrying about anything and everything. I dream excessively when I sleep as well, and more often than not, I wake feeling exhausted like I haven't slept.

I could go on and on, but these are generally the things I'm dealing with at the moment and would appreciate any advice or coping mechanisms anyone can offer me 🙂 Thank you!

[james1]

Hey Beck,

I don't suffer from anxiety but depression and various symptoms of borderline personality disorder. The one that is probably most akin to anxiety is my huge fear of abandonment, which makes me double, triple think everything I say and what people say and do and think. It's quite irritating for me!

I finished uni about 4 years ago but I remember what it was like and I imagine it must be really hard with any anxiety disorder. There's so many social situations you find yourself in...you must be really struggling.

You mentioned prescriptions - are these for your anxiety? Do you think they're still working? Sometimes medications lose their effectiveness over time and need to be reviewed.

Also, can I ask if you are seeing a counsellor or psychologist at the moment? If it's impacting your ability to function, like grocery shopping etc, it might be worthwhile seeing what kinds of therapy are available to help you out.

It might not be for you, but to help me deal with overthinking what others think of me, I sometimes just leave the house with no shoes or just do nothing to tidy up my appearance. You might get a few looks and that can be mortifying at first, but for every person that looks, another 30 person just walk straight past without even a glance. They simply don't care and it's...I don't know. A way of reaffirming what your logical brain knows, but what your emotional brains says, "But I'm not wearing shoes!!!"

James