Phillip new and grieving

Phil64 · ‎31-03-2017

Hi I am new to BB.

I lost my wife of 30 years to cancer late last year. I cared for her at home till her death, this was both our whish. I am having problems controlling my emotions and next week is her birthday and our anniversary and I am worried how I will cope with this, just writing this I start to lose it again.

geoff · ‎31-03-2017

hello Phil, how deeply sorry I am to you for loss of your wife and to be married for 30 years, well that means such a deep love between the two of you, and even more a great understanding on what each one of you has accepted over all of this time, love and companionship is something in a marriage that can never be broken.
These special memories will always be with you, but try and embrace everything that you both enjoyed, I know you will cry, but yes you are entitled to, because it's a relationship that you can never forget about, she was the love of your life, just as she was with you, so try and embrace those happy times, and if you have kids and g/children then be with them and if you can stay a couple of days with them then support will be there for you.
Please let us know how you are going.
Take care Phil. Geoff.

Croix · ‎01-04-2017

Dear Phil~

When it happened to me it was the worst thing in my life - so I know what you are going through, or as close as one human can be to understand another I guess.

I can tell you what happened to me and how I dealt with it - though everyone is different.

I was married for 25 years, the last 9 months my wife was in hospital. I knew it was coming.

Devastation is not a big enough word. My whole world ended, even though I had a most supportive son and his partner.

So how did I cope? Not that well. I drank a lot of whiskey that night - I'm normally tea-total, and got to sleep that way. From then on there was two me's. One lost himself in his work, doing everything possible to drive the loss out of my mind for short periods. The other grieved and talked the leg off anyone in range about it.

At that stage I had no hope of things getting better.

After a while I realized that I needed hope, so I actively sought another partner. My son understood that it was not because I had not loved deeply, quite the reverse, it was because I had loved and been loved in return I wanted to go through it all again. I do not live solo that well, I'm built to be part of a pair.

I was unbelievably lucky and met a lady whose husband had died of cancer. We had that in common to start with. We fell in love and married, and 21 years later we still are. I was also fortunate in that my wife got on well with my son.

So I suppose you could say I ducked the issue and went for what seemed like a superficial disrespectful answer that devalued the first marriage . 21 years proves that wrong. I loved both my first and current wives equally, giving and receiving from both.

I'm not silly enough to say this is the way everybody should deal with things. I'd just like you to know it is possible for some.

I also know it is not a tale that will really help on those special days ahead you mention. I can only wish you the strength and resilience to get through them, hopefully with family support

Talk again as often as you wish

Croix

Phil64 · ‎06-04-2017

Thanks Geoff, spent the afternoon with Sarah my daughter just talking about anything but nothing in particular I think just having her there helped me and her also.

I have decided I need to give a little back so signed up to donate blood and gave first donation on Monday and have committed to go back again. Also thinking about volunteering in some community organisation I think it would help to meet some new people as I don't have many friends.

Doolhof · ‎06-04-2017

Hi Phil,

I am so very sorry to read of your loss. I wish I had the words to share with you to help you with your grief and the sadness you no doubt feel.

You mentioned you have a daughter, Sarah. Would it be possible for you and Sarah to go out for dinner together to celebrate the memory of your wife's birthday and your anniversary? Or maybe you could order take away and have a meal at home where you could both cry and grieve openly if you need to.

It may help to write your wife a letter, then put it in your sock drawer or bury it in the garden if you have one.

In the past I have bought roses to put in the garden to remind me of loved ones.

I usually find the days leading up to an anniversary are usually worse for me than the actual day. It helps me to write down how I am feeling in a journal or I share my feelings on this forum.

If you are able to make plans for how you will spend the anniversaries coming up, that may be beneficial. Allow the tears to flow, they are healing.

Giving back in some way will be beneficial for you in so many ways. I hope you are able to find a role that will fill you with satisfaction and a sense of purpose as you help others.

Wishing you deepest sympathy and hoping the coming week is not too horrific for you. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I hope by sharing your emotions you are comforted.

Cheers to you from Mrs. Dools