Past,present and future.

[Howsyourfather]

It started with mistrust became a physical illness and follows me around like my shadow and all I try to do is get up everyday and put one foot in front of the other.It feels like as if sometimes I am trapped like an insect in a spiders web waiting for the possible outcome,trying to get free and overcome what seems to be the inevitable.When the web is broken and freedom prevails the ever present danger never goes away because webs keep being built,this is how my life is like living with bipolar disorder.Walking in public as if everyone is a mirror and their is no escape from yourself and the ever present human condition,a constant reminder of yourself and your own fragility.Hi my name is John and I escaped the city to live in the country to try and manage this debilitating condition.The trees, birds and the silence of the expanse keep me from untangling but I still need to be medicated and to be looked after by my partner and carer.I deceided now after all these years to try and connect with like minded people and try to unravel some more of the onion skin the protects me from getting to close to the truth about my mental illness.

[Croix]

Dear John~
Welcome to the Forum. This is a gentle non-threatening place where people that have similar problems get together and support each other. We have an area for BPD which I’ll mention in a moment.

The feeling of being trapped, of carrying your illness, thoughts, feelings, fragility and fears with you is something many, I included, know. I don’t have BPD, I’ve PTSD, anxiety and bouts of depression instead and sometimes escape can be hard.

I’m heartened to know some things about you which I read in your post. You have a partner and carer. To have someone to support you and look after you is gold. I’ve also found my opportunities to give love and support in return a blessing.

The fact that you are trying to manage your condition by moving to the country, with less presence of people and more of the calm of nature is pretty impressive. That it is having a positive effect bears out your wisdom in taking this step.

By saying ‘all these years’ it sounds like you have been in this debilitation condition for a long time.

Joining in here may reduce some of the inevitability of your feelings. A great many have found sharing with those that understand, where you do not have to explain from scratch, is a very positive and even comforting thing.

The BPD area I mentioned is at:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/long-term-support-over-the-journey/this-bipolar-life

And is run by Kaz, a most capable lady who has gone through it all herself.

Perhaps you might like to post again and say more about yourself, you will be met with care and understanding

Croix

[The_Possum]

Hey there

Welcome to the forum. I'm new here myself.

I was diagnosed bipolar ii in November last year after spending most of last year battling depression and anxiety. You could say I have all three conditions really!

The way I feel about it is that anxiety is living in the future and depression is living in the past - bipolar makes us swing between both of these like a yoyo.. So are we ever in the present??! That to me is the hardest to manage.

I feel scarred by the battle I went through last year, so I understand what you mean about trying to protect yourself from the realities of your condition. I too try to forget and insulate myself from it all. It's kind of like burying my head in the sand. I totally get it.

What I found helps me the most is trying to live in the present as much as possible. It does not matter what happened in the past - don't let it define you or dictate the possibilities of today. And as for the future, who knows what it may hold? No one does, so why worry about what is uncontrollable?

Living in the present allows us freedom from our condition, and the ability to breathe and enjoy the present time and make ourself the best we can today. If you're into mindfulness and meditation I find this helps me each day to ground myself. What are things you like doing? You mention you're in the country now - do walks help? Fill your life with the good stuff today and you'll find that each day becomes a little more bearable.

You mention your partner is your carer. Is there anyone external you can talk to? I find independent advice helps me and hence ave a psychologist.

My past haunts me and the relationships I destroyed last year. My psychologist helps me through those feelings and into acceptance.

I hope I've helped in some way. Feel free to post again and I'll reply to you.

Best wishes x

[TBella]

Welcome

Firstly well done for making the move to the country & doing all you needed to do for your own well being- that takes courage & commitment!

I think connection with like minded people on here will be beneficial for you! It's good to have a safe place to come & know people get you & accept you.( which is not always the case in the world, that can often leave us feeling misunderstood) again I would like to say Welcome 😊

Lastly, you have a beautiful way of articulating yourself through writing (as does Croix) perhaps writing maybe an outlet for you to escape from those times when you feel trapped. I hope you will post again here soon as your gift of expression through writing will help many others here as well as you.

Thank you

KindRegards

Tbella