Owed to Solitude

amd1953 · ‎08-05-2023

I owe a lot to my current situation in life. In fact, it's probably as close to heaven on earth that I will ever get. I've served my apprenticeship in the School of Hard Knocks. It was actually a life sentence with no time off for good behaviour. I think it was Mr. W. Shakespeare who said "All the world's a stage". And that is precisely what we are - actors on a stage. Some of us play our parts really well and fool the audience into actually believing what we say we are. Then there are those who find it impossible to be anything other than what they are. Not good actors at all. That's where I make my entrance. But I don't play to the audience any more because it is a complete and utter waste of time and effort. Now that I have settled into retirement, I can stop the acting and the pretence and be whatever I choose to be. It's a great pity that we have to spend the greater part of our lives playing to an audience. Some people get away with turning their backs on the bright lights and sink into blissful anonymity. This is what I am trying to do now so that I can gather a little happiness around me before I drop off the perch. When I think back, I seem to have spent so much time trying to keep everyone else happy and giving in to do things when I don't want to. I never had the nerve to say no so I guess I was a real pushover. I think it's time to turn the page on the script and write my own dialogue for a change. Or is that asking too much? I'm not really sure myself. Maybe I am expecting too much. Shame on me eh? But there will come a time when I run out of choices and that will be the end of it. The curtain comes down on another production. I only hope it doesn't come too soon. If we do what we want to when we want to do it, we are called selfish. I have nothing left to give. It's all gone. The audience have gone home and the stage is a dusty platform waiting for the next deception. Sorry, production.

Moonstruck

amd and ems.......I loved your writing just now...both of you. You enchant me with your intelligence, poetic individuality and mystery....I'm Moonstruck.

amd1953

Saluti Ems,

I think we all get those days when the world seems to lose that certain magic. Everything is reduced to fundamentals, and we search around for something to hold on to and hope that the storm abates quickly. For myself, I would much rather have the here and now than the distant past. Some say that this is all we have, the present moment. I don't even think about the future now. I am only too happy to accept whatever comes my way, no matter what it might be. If there is nothing, I can do about it then it does not deserve to be considered. That applies to events as well as people. I am constantly reminded of why I choose to live my life alone now. It is the uncertainty of what has gone before that I find solace in today. I have chosen to leave the daily cut and thrust of human interaction far behind me. Now, all I have to endure is the memory of it all. Is that not bad enough? I suppose it all depends on our temperament and tolerance levels. The only people who come near me now are the postman and the supermarket delivery driver and I never see them but they grace my front doorstep on a fairly regular basis. What is the reason for all of this, some people might query? Am I afraid of the world at large? Well, no, not really. Let's just say it is a wariness born from experience. I will always be aware that everyone has their opinions of everyone else and while I dislike it, there is nothing I can do about it except withdraw gracefully into my own little slice of heaven upon earth. Some of us get picked on for one reason or the other and at the age I am now, I am weary of it all and no longer wish to suffer any of it. The idea of loneliness is alien to me because I have never experienced it. Aloneness is my fortress of solitude, and I shall defend it to my last breath.

amd1953

Emotions26

Saluti amd,

Your previous letter referring to ghostly matters touched me at different depths.

The underlying reference to writing to a person unknown in this type of format at the same time finding some comfort in receiving a letter in response.

We know as much about each other as we wish to write about on a worldwide website is my way of feeling about the whole experience.

I am a very private person naturally. The few people whom I rarely have an opportunity to communicate with only know a small amount of detail about who I am. In my younger years I was more open and found that not the safest way to be for my being different.

I, like you have also been bullied, abused and taken for granted over my years as I am more of a listener than a talker. My strong sense of feeling for others becomes apparent and sadly at times has been greedily snatched from my being.

So yes I protect myself to a certain degree in writing on here.

Then at the same time I feel that you and I dig far deeper and talk about our vulnerabilities, tender sides more than some.

Knowing someone for me now is from the way I communicate with them.

I feel closer to you as a person, from reading your opening up about your vulnerable experiences and strengths in wanting to live your life your way as you should, than I do with acquaintances within my reality.

My sensitivity and senses are heightened and I can feel in my way who you are as a person in as much as is possible with what you tell about yourself.

This to me works as I can relate to you easily and do feel comfortable with you.

For all I know You could be an alien or a ghost and writing a story.

Should that be the case then I am enthralled to have the experience of befriending an alien, ghost or other.

To me you are my friend amd and I am at ease sensing and knowing what I do about you. This would not be the same in real life as we, being us the way we are, would relate differently. The friendship would be different again. We will never know.

Does that make sense?

I have been spending some time having imaginary conversations with my special friend the Mad Hatter of late and he does lead me astray.

So let us be ghosts. My preference is a ghost to an alien.

As for the postman and supermarket delivery people. They might be intrigued and have conjured up all sorts of concepts. ......Or they might have no imagination whatsoever, be very busy, tired, bored and or more. They might even use the forums themselves. We have no way of ever knowing.

So for me the mystery and the blank canvas is ours to use as we please.

Aloneness is a quality that I treasure as it is my place where I can truly be me. I can dig deeper and deeper exploring and learning far more.

Future? What is that? Anxiety provoking at times exciting and or dull and boring at others. It is not here though.

I, am an, in the now person who drifts back and forth from the past when feelings arise. Then I spend the time within my head with further conversations exploring why am I feeling this now? Sometimes I find an answer and at others I tell myself that the moment has past. Sometimes I just need to breathe, rest my mind and travel elsewhere.

Enigmatic moments sailing

Ems

Emotions26

Hello Moonstruck,

We have met before. Amd and myself have both replied to you on here some time ago.

Enchantment, intelligence, poetic individuality, mystery and much more welcomed here.

What do you say Amd?

What would you like to say Moonstruck?

Ems

Emotions26

I was reminded of the following when I saw your username, Moonstruck.

Originally written for a 3 year old which still excites me at any age.

Excerpts from poetry written by Edward Lear

The Owl and the Pussy-cat went to sea

In a beautiful pea-green boat,

.....................................

They dined on mince, and slices of quince,

Which they ate with a runcible spoon;

And hand in hand, on the edge of the sand,

They danced by the light of the moon,

The moon,

They danced by the light of the moon.

Ems

amd1953

Hello

I say amen to that!

amd1953

Moonstruck

Thanks Ems. The rhyme enchanted me when I was very little too....I am not a morning sunrise person...I come alive when darkness begins to fall and the Moon still enchants me. I feel "safer" at night...as if no-one can see me, or judge me, as if I become invisible.....Moonstruck. x