Owed to Solitude

[amd1953]

I owe a lot to my current situation in life.   In fact, it's probably as close to heaven on earth that I will ever get.   I've served my apprenticeship in the School of Hard Knocks.   It was actually a life sentence with no time off for good behaviour.   I think it was Mr. W. Shakespeare who said "All the world's a stage".   And that is precisely what we are - actors on a stage.   Some of us play our parts really well and fool the audience into actually believing what we say we are.   Then there are those who find it impossible to be anything other than what they are.   Not good actors at all.   That's where I make my entrance.   But I don't play to the audience any more because it is a complete and utter waste of time and effort.   Now that I have settled into retirement, I can stop the acting and the pretence and be whatever I choose to be.   It's a great pity that we have to spend the greater part of our lives playing to an audience.   Some people get away with turning their backs on the bright lights and sink into blissful anonymity.   This is what I am trying to do now so that I can gather a little happiness around me before I drop off the perch.   When I think back, I seem to have spent so much time trying to keep everyone else happy and giving in to do things when I don't want to.   I never had the nerve to say no so I guess I was a real pushover.   I think it's time to turn the page on the script and write my own dialogue for a change.   Or is that asking too much?   I'm not really sure myself.   Maybe I am expecting too much.   Shame on me eh?   But there will come a time when I run out of choices and that will be the end of it.   The curtain comes down on another production.   I only hope it doesn't come too soon.   If we do what we want to when we want to do it, we are called selfish.   I have nothing left to give.   It's all gone.   The audience have gone home and the stage is a dusty platform waiting for the next deception.   Sorry, production.

[Emotions26]

Saluti amd,

Merci beaucoup.  Did I confuse you with my switch to French conversation, I wonder.  I thought that you might be bored with my Italian linguistic efforts.  Saluti has a lovely ring to it though doesn’t it.  Then again, Italian is my favourite in almost everything.  I think that I have already told you about my studying the French language for at least eight years and remembering so little of it.  I am considering studying basic French for beginners, hmm.

“Your noise and chaos” touched my empathy.  It is not only frustrating but I imagine that you might have felt  quite at a loss, having carefully thought through for varying lengths of time, how to respond with each effort.  I know that feeling of, oh no not again.  I have lost so many of my words.  If you might think, well, a stranger has received my carefully thought through response, leaving you with a chuckle.  I have stopped punishing myself for all, of my inept digital efforts over decades.  Bring back pen and paper.  Even pencil and rubber for every time I change my mind about what I want to say.

I am concerned though, as a friend, wondering if you might perhaps benefit checking with your doctor if not having been for some time.  Your pain from spinal injury is excruciating enough in itself.  Mind and body do work together and whether pain killers are in the picture or not can certainly bring on confusion.  Did you mention your heart at some stage?  Perhaps blood tests.  I am on this merry-go-round myself at the moment so please do not think that I am thinking that only you need to see a doctor.  Of course it means leaving your abode as well.  As for how often and how much you write and what about, please do not put pressure on yourself if struggling and or in pain.  I know that you spend a great deal of time researching and writing already.  I monitor myself as my back is stiffer now since using the computer so much more.  I do get up and move around even inside my home.  Sitting is so bad for our backs.

You can write about whatever you choose to me, rather than pressure yourself to reply to my ramblings.

Lastly, I do enjoy receiving your letters but not if I know it is causing you great pain.  Yes, most definitely we all do need at least one person who listens to us, as in reading the words of others as though we are listening to a person speak.  BB is a wonderful platform for allowing this continuing connection. 

I hope that you do still have some bluebirds of happiness for yourself.  I have noticed blue wrens in the garden recently.  Teasing my cat.  

Anch’io ti auguro il meglio della salute, sempre amico mio

Each  magical  sound

[amd1953]

Saluti Ems,

No confusion here I am happy to say.   Only the usual bewilderment that I experience every day with everyday things.   If I had the motivation and an extended attention span, I might be tempted to learn a new language myself.   However, my tertiary level self-education attempts are proof that I am truly beyond hope.   

As for my physical condition.   I gave up on doctors and medication a long time ago.   I have also been diagnosed with hemochromatosis which I choose to ignore.   So, I am a real mess, am I not?   The heart attack occurred back in 2005.   They inserted a stent, kept me in hospital for about a week and then sent me on my way.   Until then I thought I was bullet-proof.   Anyway, I am still here so for that I am truly grateful.   Not that I am a great asset for the future of mankind.   If the truth was known, I might have been holding progress back for quite some time.

This morning, I purchased three old aerial photographs of my hometown in England.   It says that they were taken in 1950 so that was a few years before I saw the light of day.   It will be interesting to study them in detail when I get them and locate a few familiar landmarks.   Anything to revive the good old memories and subdue the bad ones.   I am all for doing that.   There are probably not that many people that can say they slept in a real four poster bed in a manor house.   One of the few most excellent experiences and I can just about remember it too.   I think I was about five or six years old at the time.   

Well, so much for the trip down memory lane.   I had better drag myself back to the modern day and take my leave for now.   

May your dreams and hopes come true

amd1953

[amd1953]

Saluti Ems,

I think about the past a lot.   Too much, in fact.   I've tried to stop doing it, but I just can't help this burning desire to figure everything out in my mind.   As you can probably well imagine, it's pretty busy up there at times.   Various people have been encouraging me to "grow up" all my life but I have successfully resisted the idea.   I am happy with who I am even if no one else is.   Who knows what other people want from you anyway?   I'm sure I don't because it tends to change all of the time.   If I am pretending to be someone else for someone else then I am being untrue to myself.   I don't like that idea at all.   I would prefer people to be themselves all the time instead of wearing masks on different occasions.   But in the past, even I have been guilty of that in an effort to conform and fit in.   Well, I never did fit in.   Always on the outside looking in.   But that is less important now that I am enjoying the time that I have without feeling that I constantly have to prove myself in the poker game of life.   Now that I am on the homeward stretch, I think I will just sit back and enjoy the ride without worrying at all about the consequences.   I know my fate so I'm happy to let nature take its course.   Staying happy is the key to most everything because what else is there?   

amd1953

[Emotions26]

Saluti amd,     Many apologies about not replying sooner.  I find myself feeling quite drained and listless towards the end of the year.  It used to be from early November.  Life decided to throw in more anniversaries of loss from September.  I know that many advise to not "dwell" on such things.  My brain does not stop thinking and analysing.  This in turn wakes me up at all hours and throws in nightmare reminders.  I have been having therapy for so long which does help.  I take on other people's feelings. Grief has a mind of it’s own.

 I am extremely deep as well as sensitive and have been researching the highly sensitive person concept.  I scored 96% in HSP (of course there are initials for everything these days) I am intelligent enough to realise that this is not a diagnosis and or so quickly resolved.  It does provide some relief given that I just cannot stop my mind working overtime in the background.  This is draining.  You have described something similar but in your words.  For me it has helped to realise that who I am is not something that can be changed.  I have been gradually learning to help myself more, by chance, really.  My environment affects me so strongly and this is what I always come back to.  Positive and negative environments that affect me.

 Gobbledy gook. Well that is part of the dilemma. I am me and express myself differently.  I can be judged, seen as aloof, too direct, so much more which will stir me up thinking about.   I take a while to respond as I always think about how I am going to answer.  I am interested in conversing, that is why.  I use my own words which seems to irritate some.  I take too long to reply and say too much.  I enjoy conversation with people who have something interesting to say.  I am withdrawing more and more from the outside world. 

 Book club I attended second group.  Several quite interesting people.  I can spot the judgemental, supercilious ones a mile off.  I have a lifetime of listening and observing.  Not another meeting until February so will give everyone more chances as I do just in case it is my sensitivity.  Writing group, possibly next year.  Several supercilious, questionable egos there.  Taps into my sensitivity and where is the pleasure?  I won’t give up just yet.

Wearing masks I can relate to.  I needed to do so to be able to breeze through work keeping enough space when sensing signals keep back.  The mask has gone now that I am retired.  There is no significant difference really.  People are mainly so wrapped up in themselves apart from a few kind, gentle souls. I understand your reaction though as there is a vast difference between setting a boundary and being fake.  People who follow like sheep or fawn over others do my head in.

amd I have always felt that I do and did not fit in.  I now know that I do not need to fit in.  I am safe in being myself and how others respond belongs to them not me.  I am still on the alert with boundary setting though.  Your words read to me that you are very much yourself in the time that we have been corresponding.  It is different writing to another, having never met them. It would be lovely to be able to write to each other and hear our actual voices.  Now that would make the whole experience more interesting.  Not in our time perhaps. 

Staying happy is a desire that most people have.  I am learning to take notice of what attributes that I have to be proud of. It has only taken me all of my life!  Not an easy exercise.  A work in progress.  So far I like my humour which more and more people are picking up on.  Perhaps that is because it sounds more real!

Yes enjoy the ride in this stage of your life in whatever way you choose.  You never know where it will take you. 

Eventually making sense              Ems