Owed to Solitude

[amd1953]

I owe a lot to my current situation in life.   In fact, it's probably as close to heaven on earth that I will ever get.   I've served my apprenticeship in the School of Hard Knocks.   It was actually a life sentence with no time off for good behaviour.   I think it was Mr. W. Shakespeare who said "All the world's a stage".   And that is precisely what we are - actors on a stage.   Some of us play our parts really well and fool the audience into actually believing what we say we are.   Then there are those who find it impossible to be anything other than what they are.   Not good actors at all.   That's where I make my entrance.   But I don't play to the audience any more because it is a complete and utter waste of time and effort.   Now that I have settled into retirement, I can stop the acting and the pretence and be whatever I choose to be.   It's a great pity that we have to spend the greater part of our lives playing to an audience.   Some people get away with turning their backs on the bright lights and sink into blissful anonymity.   This is what I am trying to do now so that I can gather a little happiness around me before I drop off the perch.   When I think back, I seem to have spent so much time trying to keep everyone else happy and giving in to do things when I don't want to.   I never had the nerve to say no so I guess I was a real pushover.   I think it's time to turn the page on the script and write my own dialogue for a change.   Or is that asking too much?   I'm not really sure myself.   Maybe I am expecting too much.   Shame on me eh?   But there will come a time when I run out of choices and that will be the end of it.   The curtain comes down on another production.   I only hope it doesn't come too soon.   If we do what we want to when we want to do it, we are called selfish.   I have nothing left to give.   It's all gone.   The audience have gone home and the stage is a dusty platform waiting for the next deception.   Sorry, production.

[Emotions26]

Buon giorno  Amd  Surprise I am a confident person. I am prone to withdraw from society and draining family as I set more personal boundaries.  I have declined several extended family invitations to allow myself time for me only.  I do occasionally still enjoy meeting new people. I think that I sit in the middle somewhere when it comes to mixing with others  oscillating between the two depending on my energy levels. I am happy with my own company when well and going to places on my own allows me to slip in and out when I choose to  I am finally more discernable about with whom I spend my time  I introduced myself to those seated at the table at the recent wake and this actually seemed to break the ice  Nice  The man sitting next to me started asking me the usual questions and we had a great conversation  Then a farmer sat down as others started leaving continuing on the conversation. Quite an afternoon following a moving service. I am more than happy to shop in neighbouring areas and or wherever I find one that looks clean.  I am just picturing your drawbridge being lowered as your carriage takes you off on your mission. Horse drawn or horse power?  I think that many people try to escape some of their neighbours at least   A good reason for me to shop out of town. There are “a few nice people” here though   Choreography and staging performances takes the conversation back to your opening piece. Life is like a play a game of monopoly. Ti manda pace e momenti di calma. Ems 26+

[Emotions26]

Hello Moonstruck

I wonder if many of us on the forums might be selective with whom and how many people we mix with. Makes sense as we learn who and who not to mix with.  I personally do not see it as any problem or medical diagnosis. I believe that it shows strength of character and intelligence.  Some people are naturally unsociable and unfriendly for other reasons. That is different.  It is a nice feeling relating to another's words on here isn't it.

Ems26

[mmMekitty]

Hello Amd,Ems, Moonstruck & everyone

For me, it's not easy to determine if my reasons for not wanting much social contact or close friendships are due to my past experiences making me feel I daren't trust anyone wanting to get close, or because I actually do have this sort of personality that means I don't want social interactions & friendships. If it's a disorder or not, I'm not sure. I do fit well within the criteria for the diagnosis, which emphasises the lack of interest in being socially involved with others.

Even though I've wanted to rebuild a relationship with my sis, I also haven't felt a day-to-day need for her in my life. I miss how we were when we were little kids, playing, talking & making up stories together. I find being with her, I don't feel any connection or as if I am drawn towards wanting to, either.

I 'talk' more when I'm writing, including here on BB. In person, I don't enjoy the small talk, & feel no urge or need to talk deeply with those people I am involved with.

& yet, I am so 'attached' to my PDr, or maybe a better way to describe my feeling, would be to say I am 'anchored' to him. Yet I often ramble on to him about trivial things. I only sometimes talk about 'serious' things & then feel anxious when he goes on leave.

It's said that humans are naturally gregarious. Gregariousness does not come at all naturally to me. Am I quite human - I have often hoped not, because that would make sense to me or just help me to feel better about myself?...

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[amd1953]

Good morning Kitty

I think trust is the main component of any relationship, either personal or business.   I think I may have said that before on this forum.   If you cannot trust someone then you are always wondering what is going through their mind and whether they actually have your best interests at heart, or it is just some kind of mind game.   It does happen.   I have never had any strong defences against the rest of the world and for a long time I trusted everyone I crossed paths with.   That sounds very naive, but I liked to give someone the benefit of the doubt.   When you have lived a very sheltered life, everyone is your friend, and you bask in their admiration of you while it lasts.   In the past, I wanted love from another human being more than anything in the world and for a long time I lived in hope of finding someone who was willing to love me in return.   It was much harder than I thought and as a result I thought there was something deficient in my appearance or character.   As time progressed and I fell into more traps along the way, I started to think I was just destined to being alone for the rest of my life.   In the end, you just give up and resign yourself to that belief that you are completely unworthy of anyone.

It just wasn't meant to be.   These days I know it's all over for me in respect to love and romance.   Elvis has left the building.   However, it's not all doom and gloom.   A new day dawns and I live another day.   That's the best I can do now.

Regards

amd1953

[Emotions26]

Hello mmMekitty

I don't believe that you have a disorder for not wanting close relationships or enjoying small talk.

Only your pdr can diagnose that for you. Perhaps read out to him or her what you have written if not already discussed. You might be surprised at the answer. Pdr relationships are very different to family and or friend relationships. The therapy works because of the fact that a connection is formed after time. It is part of the therapy also to feel anxious when he goes on leave. Just read back that he is a he.

I talk about absolute dribble at some of my sessions in particular when my anxiety and currently grief symptoms are high. Then at the last minute mad panic to tell him something or ask a question.

There is no right or wrong way. What is right for you and your therapist.

As for feeling human.

I have said on several occasions even on the forums that I seriously wonder if I came from another planet or in fact actually live elsewhere on another one.

Hope that helps a little.

I do not have all the answers by any means. I have learnt so much through my many years in therapy though.

Ems

[amd1953]

Saluti Ems

This morning, I have the urge to make something out of nothing.   Does that sound godlike to you?   Delusions of grandeur, perhaps?   No, sadly, nothing like that at all.   The only way that I can become godlike is to become immortal and that is impossible.   Flights of fancy?   Yes.   Most certainly.   I can dream of becoming better than I am but then I would have nothing to aspire to.   But why should I want to become better than I am?   What would be the reason for that?   Does all this sound like nonsense?   Well, yes.   It has to be.   What else could it be other than the ramblings of an aging impresario?   Imagine being on the stage of life and forgetting your most important line.   I would be mortified, stupefied and petrified.   

Imagine the first performance of Julius Ceasar at the Globe in London in September 1599.   Surrounded on all sides by a vocal yet discerning audience of the local gentry and the hoi polloi.  This would be the raw vitality of human entertainment.   "I come to bury Ceasar, not to praise him.   The evil that men do lives after them."   Well, I can dream, can't I?   What is life without a passionate embrace of all that we love?   

We are very lucky if we find nice people to talk to without feeling that it is all a little bit predestined.   When I have to converse with strangers, I wait for the abyss to open up and swallow me.  All I have to do is keep the drawbridge up and the portcullis down.   My fortress of solitude remains impregnable.   "Become an absurd sphinx in the eyes of others.   Shut yourself up in your ivory tower, but without slamming the door, for your ivory tower is you." (Pessoa)

So, it is with a heavy heart that I take my leave once again to disappear into the mists of time.

Our revels now are ended. (Shakespeare -The Tempest)

Anonymous Musical Delectations 1593

[amd1953]

Hello Moonstruck

I'm glad you found something in what I wrote.   I am sure there are people who would prefer to keep quiet rather than expose themselves to suspicion.   But that is the whole point, isn't it?   Having the strength to follow our own convictions and ignoring the detractors.   I gave up worrying about that a long time ago and I can thoroughly recommend it.   We all have as much right to be here as anyone else.

Regards

amd1953

[Moonstruck]

amd1953

Life is a tale told by an idiot..

Full of sound and fury

Signifying......nothing!

[amd1953]

Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow

Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,

To the last syllable of recorded time.

And all our yesterdays have lighted fools.

The way to dusty death.  Out, out, brief candle

Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player,

That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,

And then is heard no more.   It is a tale.

[Emotions26]

Buona mattina amd and followers

Rambling thoughts can lead us where ever we choose to go when we are careful with them. Having an urge to make something out of nothing sounds nothing like godlike to me laugh. Is there a being named godlike? Perhaps many. Yes dreaming is something to be held onto tightly and still have much to aspire to always. Nonsense you think, I think not, I think a mind being allowed to run free. Is this not how an artist of anything inspires new ideas. Every single thing in the world is aging if you want to focus on aging. I say why focus on aging it will happen of its own accord. Let it work away at the back of your stage as you rehearse. Forgetting one's lines is part of acting and how you swiftly change the focus of your audience is your forte. Your beloved Pessoa has an underlying current of passion and courage.

Oh to be able to travel to that very first performance and soak up all of the architecture and costumes. Life is about embracing all that we love with passion.

Engaging in conversation with new encounters allows me to invent my own conversation by asking questions. I do not enjoy anything predestined when it comes to language. It does invoke anxious feelings that are also confused with  adrenaline induced from the excitement of conversing.  Of course more and more people do have predestined conversations ; monotone answers or silence. I can still feel an occasional lifting of my spirits from making a connection no matter how momentary. I might not be the only person to speak to one single person at that given time on that given day. Isn't that good. I feel that it is. I understand the abyss imagery as I have felt that at times also. Vibes that some people extrude can give me that feeling even from the written word.  So the ivory tower for self as Pessoa once again cleverly expressed is a place to be aware of. A safe space within.  Anonymous musical delectations very clever. I have much to match I feel.

Effervescent mettle survives