Owed to Solitude

[amd1953]

I owe a lot to my current situation in life.   In fact, it's probably as close to heaven on earth that I will ever get.   I've served my apprenticeship in the School of Hard Knocks.   It was actually a life sentence with no time off for good behaviour.   I think it was Mr. W. Shakespeare who said "All the world's a stage".   And that is precisely what we are - actors on a stage.   Some of us play our parts really well and fool the audience into actually believing what we say we are.   Then there are those who find it impossible to be anything other than what they are.   Not good actors at all.   That's where I make my entrance.   But I don't play to the audience any more because it is a complete and utter waste of time and effort.   Now that I have settled into retirement, I can stop the acting and the pretence and be whatever I choose to be.   It's a great pity that we have to spend the greater part of our lives playing to an audience.   Some people get away with turning their backs on the bright lights and sink into blissful anonymity.   This is what I am trying to do now so that I can gather a little happiness around me before I drop off the perch.   When I think back, I seem to have spent so much time trying to keep everyone else happy and giving in to do things when I don't want to.   I never had the nerve to say no so I guess I was a real pushover.   I think it's time to turn the page on the script and write my own dialogue for a change.   Or is that asking too much?   I'm not really sure myself.   Maybe I am expecting too much.   Shame on me eh?   But there will come a time when I run out of choices and that will be the end of it.   The curtain comes down on another production.   I only hope it doesn't come too soon.   If we do what we want to when we want to do it, we are called selfish.   I have nothing left to give.   It's all gone.   The audience have gone home and the stage is a dusty platform waiting for the next deception.   Sorry, production.

[mmMekitty]

Hello Ems

Whenever I put something out here on BB, though not precisely expected, comments are always welcome. I can accept if you or anyone does not want to comment, for whatever reason, it's okay.

I understand you are not feeling in a good space right now. I wish I could be there with you, to offer some comfort, perhaps a hug, or to simply sit with you.

Try to take some time to do things that make you feel good. Care for yourself, with tenderness & kindness.

Personally, I'd love to have a long bubble bath, but since I only have a shower, I take a long shower, with nice smelling shower gel. Afterwards, I use moisturiser all over. I find this gives me a sense of caring for myself, as much as making & eating chicken soup )but I still dont know exactly how my (ex)-step-mother made it - one thing she made so well the leftovers were yummier in the 2-3 days following.) I make due with my own quick version which involves no bones. Still, as a hot & obviously nurishing soup, it feels like self-care. Or I listen to some very special music. Yo yo Ma's performance of the Bach Cello suites is a favourite. 3 hours of such warm beauty seeming to be seeping into my skin, through my body & filling me with pleasure & peace, feels so healing.

I hope you can find something similar, something particular to your needs, to help you through the grief & sorrow.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

Hello Moonstruck,

I've been thinking, why wait for someone else to mention his name? Why not bring him up in conversations yourself?

It's odd, people don't even ask if you would be okay to talk about them or not, do they - sometimes I've heard someone say they are afraid of upsetting someone if they mention the deceased person's name. It does seem people tip-toe around as if someone greiving will break into little pieces - you can let them know that you won't by mentioning his name yourself. You can say, "Oh, I rememember [his name] loved this movie". & maybe say how you & he would sit & watch together. Something like that.

Give yourself some gentle comfort, too, Moon. It's okay to still miss him & sometimes be sad. Acknowledging that is a healthy & healing thing to do.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[amd1953]

Saluti Ems,

I am sorry to hear that you are still troubled.   It is always difficult to offer words of comfort in times such as these.

I agree that books have that certain aura around them as they sit motionless on our bookshelves.   I find that my books exert a very powerful calming effect on me, and I don't even have to pick them up to experience it.   I think we all need those reassuring material objects in our lives as it can keep us grounded if that is what we need.   At other times they help us to fly in the face of our adversity and soar to new heights of understanding.

I love the idea of the cafe rendezvous.   Have you seen the move Midnight in Paris?   It's another one of my favourites.   Just the idea of those sidewalk cafes and the people relaxing in the morning sun, sipping their beverage of choice and chatting to each other in that lovely friendly manner.   The sights and sounds would be a amazing.   I love to think of people as being happy and contented.   A natural desire for life.   I would have loved to tour around Europe in the early twentieth century before the horrors of war changed the world.   Friedrich Nietzsche did a lot of travelling during his time in the mid nineteenth century and produced some of his best work as he zig-zagged across Europe trying to find the most amiable climate for his various illnesses.   I like to imagine what it would have been like to talk to some of these great figures of history to discover what kind of people they actually were.   

I am trying to read as much as I can during the day and then writing at night.   When I get tired, I naturally have to stop, have a nap and then off I go again.   I think about you all the time and I hope the world will be kind to you.   I have told you before that I feel the pain of the world and there is no way of stopping it.   The world does not always care for me in the same way and I acknowledge that.   It is something that I have just had to live with.   I forgive and try to forget when I can but sometimes the pressure is too much, and I lose sight of the tentative connection I have with reality and those who show a kindness toward me.   I have had so many people in my life who have chosen to disappoint me.   It is a fact that hurts me deeply, but I just have to accept what life chooses for me.   For someone who has always desired love it is impossible to let go of wanting to be loved and yet know that it is something that will never be.   As Coleridge wrote "To be beloved is all I need.   And whom I love, I love indeed.

I think I had better sign off for now.   It is almost 3am.   

Ti auguro amore e pace

Another Midnight Dream 1953

[amd1953]

YAP = Yet Another Postscript

Have I told you that I once talked to a horse?   Admittedly, the conversation was very one sided, but I think I got through in the end.   Of course, there was no sign that I had been successful, but I am convinced he knew where I was coming from.   I will talk to anything.   Animate and inanimate objects alike.   Occasionally, I talk to myself.

Sometimes I imagine myself undertaking a very long train journey from Paris to Rome.   The length of the journey will be 1108 kms.   Long enough to write a short story and stare out of a moving window.   But someone, a stranger, might sit next to me, and I would have to be polite and engage them with small talk.   I would not like that at all.   That makes me sound like a grumpy old man and I am not one of those.  I would prefer one of my imaginary friends to sit in the seat facing me and we would discuss everything under the sun and smile at each other in that eternal male bonding of friendship.   Perhaps if Pessoa had left his beloved Lisbon more often, I might be making the trip with him.   And he would talk incessantly, and I would listen in awe like a wide-eyed child of literature.   He would talk about his life and his work.   Going into great detail about his dreams and his hopes for the future.   We would drink coffee together and talk as old friends always seem to do.   Each one knowing that their secrets are safe, and their inner selves are also sacrosanct.   There would be no idle chatter.  It would all have a point of focus, and a final destination would be in sight.   

I have missed so much from those who might have been my teachers, my mentors and my guides.   It is a loss that brings tears to my eyes and a sadness to my soul.   

On my computer I write to myself and for myself.   When I come to Beyond Blue, hopefully, there is someone who is willing to listen to my jibber jabber and even take something from it.   Here I am writing for someone else.

There are no looks of condescension.   No rolling of the eyes and no thinly disguised expressions of frustration.

There is a large sign at the end of the pathway which reads Enter at your own risk.   Enough waffle!

Parting is such sweet sorrow.

A Mindful Departure 1953

[Emotions26]

Saluti anche a te amico mio, amd

How are you finding reading such a profound piece of writing on kindle? I am curious.

It tells you that you have only read 12%!  Forgive me.  I have not heard of words read from a book being measured by percentage. Oh wait this is progress.  I know several people use this form of reading. They all purport that there are many benefits.

I cannot bear the thought of betraying my beloved books printed on paper. Particularly those bound with a hardback cover.  Hanging onto tradition.

I can take months to read a book and at other times days.  I now only read for pleasure or research of a particular subject that interests me.  You speak of tangents. My days are full of them. The internet is not my friend and it sends me off on merry trails that have nothing to do with what I want to read about.

Constructive feedback to our councils is most warranted. How else do they find out from their constituents about any concerns.  I have actually been thanked by mine when I have reported broken branches tossed into bushes in the park across the road, that have been lying there for months.  Traffic levels change with new development and or redirection of traffic at times.  This is important feedback for your council.

I must go looking for your later replies now.

Catch you soon

Eternally managing smiles  26

[Emotions26]

Hello Supplement,

Yes the mind floods with memories that not only collide but become entangled.  Attempts to divert such moving pictures and words in my mind mostly  fail at present.  I inevitably arise from my comfortable bed, grumpily. Miraculously those pictures and words float away to join past episodes. Movement of the body is a basic yet effective strategy for distraction. Works even better when the mind is foggy because I think forgetfulness overtakes everything else.

This morning up at 5.30am.  I commenced cleaning kitchen bench area where my love of memorablia from overseas has taken over slightly.  I also have to start gathering Christmas decorations to put away.

Nearly two hours later I decided that I had better make my two espressos and breakfast. My cat had been fed over an hour ago.

I wonder what you  wrote in our book or drew at the age of five. How wonderful to have that opportunity. We were usually told to sit still and stop fidgeting.

Life we have only some control over as in choices we make. Nothing else is guaranteed. Then we get opportunities to choose again. This is always something that we have no matter how tiny the choices might be.

Ciao until I find your next piece

Ems

[Emotions26]

Saluti Another Midnight Dream 1953.

Can you remember your dreams at midnight hours in 1953?  That would be incredible as you were a baby.

Imagine being in the mind of an innocent child, baby.  There would be no judgement, segregation, racism. cruelty, bullying and so on there.

Well I will have to postpone the response as I have now been up over four hours and have to get off of this techno monster.

Si

Ti auguro amore e pace, amico mio

Emozioni ventisei

[Emotions26]

Oh dear, amd

One of my letters is missing.

Perhaps I forgot to click on reply.

I responded to your photograph of pen in hand and holding a book

Ems

[Emotions26]

Hello amd,

I will try to write to you as soon as I can.

I need to have this sorted. Please read my above post.

I do not feel safe writing on here with this left unexplained..

This has nothing to do with you at all. Please know that.

It is in fact upsetting me that I feel that I am being prevented from writing to you.

Earnest ems

[mmMekitty]

Hello Ems

Occasionally a post I've written hasn't turned up. Maybe I didn't actually click the Reply button to post it. That is more & more likely for me, I've realised, because of my memory/concentration is slipping.

Sometimes, I've wanted to post something & I"ve recieved an email from the moderators about it, advising me of some problem or other & the post needs to be modified. Often, they will make minor changes themselves. But when the changes which need to be made are significant, I've had the opportunity to either agree to their edit or make changes & re-submit or (as I've done) tell them not to post the entire post, because for me it was very important to not edit what I'd written anymore.

If you haven't already, check your email, maybe the 'junk' or 'spam' folder, because maybe the moderators have written you about your post.

Or maybe there is some sort of 'glitch', because I am aware you are not the only one here with posts that don't turn up.

Also, if it takes you a long time to write a post, then I suggest doing it on a PC, using a word document, so when you are done, you can save what you've written, (just in case), then copy & paste it into the text field where you are posting. Then, if it doesn't turn up, you have the word document & can copy from that again.

I have no idea about what to suggest if you are using a mobile phone. There is no way I'd be doing this on a mobile phone.

I know it's really frustrating & upsetting to take the time & put in the effort to write your letters to Amd. I hope, between us, & modsupport, we can work this out.

Hugzies

mmMekitty