Newbie with Bipolar - Also isolated/friendless

[CraftyDivaz]

Hi, another newbie needing understanding and communication…

I’ve been having isolation and social anxiety problems for quite some time, along with great need to be listed to and heard and understood, so I’ll “try” try keep this short.
I’m 37 year old female, 3rd marriage that is also at times pretty rocky and uncertain how long it’ll last considering how hard I am to live with and put up with. I don’t know if I’m ready to give up on my perfectionist, extremely old fashioned husband or if he’s ready to give up on my double mixed moods/anxiety etc.

I lived with what I thought was depression since mid high school and was diagnosed several years ago with bipolar (unsure which one was actually diagnosed but I think bipolar 2 as my symptoms don't seem as bad as what i’ve read for bipolar 1, no real psychosis/hallucinations etc).

I had a lot more to vent etc, will post in Bipolar section as I'm trying to keep this one short. I really feel isolated/friendless also like some other people here. Family/friends that do say want to spend time with me all live more then an hr away and of course e everyone has their own lives/problems to deal with so I hardly get to see anyone besides, hubby, our son (toddler doesn't talk) and my parents.

 CraftyDivaz

[CraftyDivaz]

Hi,
Well since I really need to continue to vent and get some things out, I don’t mind if no one responds I’m pretty used to it and everyone has their own lives and problems to deal with. I don’t mean to be going on I haven’t had anyone I can talk to for so long about emotional issues for so long. 

Both my mum and husband say I “can” talk to them about how I feel but often just don’t know the right way to respond. I guess they feel too much frustration not being able to help and my issues not “getting better” or not “going away”. They usually end up either annoyed that I complain yet again or I’m depressed most of the time. Or hypo-mania (laughing too much for silly reasons, talk too fast, dream & plan on "how" to become famous or "well-known") &/or irritable.

I’m not currently seeing any psychiatrist mainly because they only give meds (which both mum & hubby don’t want) & psychologist info helps only so much. Also my hubby is afraid for me to see anyone regularly partly cause of money and mainly because he’s afraid if authorities see how bad I can get he thinks our son would be taken from us. As none of us know how the medical system and children services etc work in Aus, I get scared to push the issue of my needing to get therapy too. What if I do get so bad, I know I never have ever thought any ideas about hurting anyone besides myself even at my absolute worse which can be pretty bad screaming etc, but would authorities believe that?

Mostly though apart from issues with anxiety and communication issues related to anger and guilt, usually I seem reasonably well. Last few days have been particularly hard and actually maybe it helps to see as my sleep has been disrupted quite a lot and I can actually see my symptoms playing up and I feel not as good. So at least I found one major trigger for me to feeling worse.

At least for now mainly what I feel is higher and more consistent feelings of anxiety and edginess (don’t know how else to describe) kind of like too much adrenalin perhaps. My thoughts are kind of faster and a lil jumbled then usual but not at its worst. I can go from clear thinking to swirling jumbled thoughts almost like a twister (tornado?) and I can’t pick any ideas enough to be able to speak at all. I think I need to try filling out mood chart etc again, once we get more ink for printer or go to library to print.

Anyway enough complaining etc for on and on I’ll try to get off and leave everyone alone, eh, I said I’d try… 

CraftyDivaz

[Fairywings]

Hi beautiful mummy and welcome i def hear your concerns but I think this is about what u need not what is good for your mother or your hubby. There are ways around seeing your psyciatrist again given ur circumstances they may be able to organize a bulk billing system for you so at least u will be able to get help and take meds if needed.  It really saddens me to know ur hubby thinks this way he needs to support you not hinder you from receiving therapy. If u feeling like things r becoming too hard for u to manage on ur own then this is a decision u will need to take charge on bc i am afraid you may spiral deeper than what u already have and i don't want this for u u have a beautiful little munchkin to be there for.  Write in a journal this will help to get these feelings out off ur chest its an awesome therapy tool. Your mind will thank u for it. Child services will only remove a child from home if the child is deemed to be at risk of being abused and neglected in any way that poses a detrimental risk to their well being and overall health and safety. This is definitely worth looking into getting the help you need it is very important to look after yourself. Please don't feel like u r complaining that is what all of us are here for an extra pair of ears. I hope this has eased some of ur concerns please let us know how u go and keep in touch with us xx Venessa 

[CraftyDivaz]

Hi Vanessa,

No offence to everyone being busy etc, but your reply already has me feeling better. 

Well I might have forgotten or not enough room b4 to mention that I've been suggested there might be counselling available in council services I'm not certain yet what sort counselling it's psychologist.

I mentioned to hubby that lady said it would be either cheaper price of free I no idea which probably not free i'd guess. Hubby "said" ok but he often says yes then changes mind later. I think he's also scared that cause he's from "very" old fashioned culture that average westerners just don't understand their culture n maybe I'll be told some things he says/does will be misunderstood as bad behaviour towards me. I don't know, but I do struggle with confidence issues feel hopeless useless & like a burden cause I can't meet his standards. 

He can be so loving but other times it feels like blame, blame, blame. It can be hard to cope with, but I'm mostly doing ok as long as I sleep n eat well. 

Thanks again, CraftyDivaz

[Fairywings]

Hi thanks for coming back to me that's great to hear glad i could help sorry if it took a while to get to you we do do our very best to get to everyone. Xx by getting the help you need don't feel like you have to meet any body's standard u and ub alone is whats important here nothing else u need a lot of support right now so don't feel like u need to meet certain standards bc uv don't u just need to get urself better so u can being to enjoy the quality of life u deserve to. And plea see don't feel like a burden coz ur not we r all here to help and guide u thru this rough patch. If u go and see ur local gp he can organize an care plan for you where u can get 5free sessions with a psychologist to start helping u out. I hope this has helped in some way let me know how things go xx take care now 

[White_Rose]

Dear CraftyDivaz

Hello. It's good to welcome you to Beyond Blue. Your story saddens me a great deal. If I am reading your post correctly, your husband is not from Australia. Is this correct? I ask only because people from other cultures often struggle to understand the Australian culture and vice versa. I really urge you to see your GP and be prescribed appropriate medication. It can be of tremendous help and value to you. If you are worried about anyone taking your child because of your illness, please consider this.

Many parents have a mental illness of some sort. I have depression and have been quite unwell in the past. By taking medication and regularly seeing a psychiatrist or psychologist you are demonstrating that you are a responsible person. Medication can help control the extremes of your illness and help keep you on an even track. I suggest you explain to your husband and mom that you are very unlikely to lose custody of your child while you take the proper meds and see a psych of some sort.

While you are struggling to meet your husband's standards, you are not able to help yourself to get well. Get reliable information about Bipolar Disorder from these web sites. http://www.mindhealthconnect.org.au/  Also the Black Dog Institute http://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/

Some psychiatrist will bulk bill you if you cannot afford their fees, or charge a low 'gap' fee. In any event you health must be the first priority.

I know it's hard for people to move away from their upbringing and customs, but it is vital you attend to your own health. Taking meds intermittently will not help. Your medication is not monitored by any agency, except your doctor. And your doctor and/or psych is not allowed to discuss you or your treatment with anyone. So please do not be afraid to use your prescribed meds.

Your husband and mom complain you are not getting well, but it is their attitudes and refusal to allow you to have the proper treatment that is causing this. If there was any complaint about how you care for your child, the first thing that would happen is you being given a proper medical diagnosis and told to get treatment, which would include medication and therapy. If your Psychiatrist only gives you medication, then find another psychiatrist. It will cost more to go to a psychologist as you can only have ten subsidized appointments with a psychologist in one year. Medicare subsidize all visits to a psychiatrist.

Please continue to write here.

Mary

[CraftyDivaz]

Hi Fairywings,

I'll have to look into the gp giving plan, I'm sure it's only once every so much amount a time, like once a two yrs or something...?

I know some of my triggers & am working on finding strategies to make a list n got the app I read about here that helps list strategies etc. My mum allows me to usually use her like a sounding board & she gives me advice including how to reduce negative feelings. 

Only last few days suddenly we had such dark weather n sky, winter is a major trigger 4 me, dark sky n all. Plus my sleep being Di used waking up to feed hubby n son waking up n not sleeping quickly 4 a few days affected me more then I realised.

I get that funny awful feeling in head almost like a head ache n feelings of higher anxiety, more body aches. Its struggle red my high anxiety cycle I get once in s while, it's hard to explain, maybe mixed episode of sorts? I want to suddenly do a lot, if the fuzzy confused feeling in my head lifted I'd say almost like hypomanis again. I can feel the symptoms of hypo behind the anxious confused thinking. At least I can recognise it & can keep track of how bad it gets, I gave need to communicate but don't want to "talk" in person to anyone much ATM if that makes sense. I'll keep watch how bad I get n see, we have z few ideas what to do if it occurs.

Thanks, CraftyDivaz

[CraftyDivaz]

Hi, 

Sorry, hard to type on iPhone. 

I feel less agitated then earlier today but still obsessing over feelings of not having anyone to talk to about my symptoms. Eh maybe I have some extra issues then just bipolar. It would be good to have someone to talk to about symptoms without worry of being annoying to complain or non judgement. Could do with an updated diagnoses or extra opinion I suppose, sychuatrist are pretty expensive though will look into trying to find one to bill bill, hopefully can find one better then last one.

I'm actually waiting to see if we are able to have 2nd baby, I have some idea to perhaps consider going on some type of meds again afterward birth if we do get pregnant. I'm just not good at picking how long to give us to try, hubby works so much long hrs we virtually get hardly any time to see each other key slobs to try so we need a while to see what happens. I'm just hoping to avoid certain meds as kidneys seemed to start having a lil problems last time. 

Especially if we do have 2nd baby i'll probably get meds if i get worse from postnatal depression on top of bipolar symptoms like last time. 
We could just give formula n I can take meds for example. It'll probably happen this way as I was unable to feed with first baby for physical reasons, that's give opportunity to take Mrs if needed.

Anyways I appreciate most people r busy etc, thanks so far to all responses!

CraftyDivaz