I'm not in a good headspace currently again, and don't want to be around people. My brother died 4 years ago, so naturally I grieved his loss. I also lost my pregnancy 72 hours after losing my brother. I went into a deep depression, but became pregnant again with my son, my 5th child, who just turned 3 today. I was happy when he was born, but had a bit of PPD for 2 weeks, which I put down to not having my brother around. I became pregnant 10 months later with my 6th child. My partner and I were having some issues with his ex and he didn't want another baby, and wanted a termination after I told him I was pregnant. I began to resent him, and drift from him. I continued with my pregnancy, told him I'll give birth without him then and not to bother. He was stressing about his ex and our house (they had purchased it together, and she wanted a large buyout figure to get herself out of her own debts she had acquired over 10 years since they separated in 2007). My mother was on my back about contraception, which I can do with the horrible side effects, so I reluctantly agreed to a tubal ligation to please them. 2 days after having my son by cesarean and tubal, I went into deep depression and have been fighting it since. I want a reversal and my parter wants it to and hates himself for how he acted when I told him I was pregnant and what the tubal has done to me. I've started my RN grad year and recently lost a friend to suicide, so added stress isn't helping. Now with the prospect of elective surgery being postponed due to COVID19, I've just crumbled into a heap, crying and hating myself, my partner and the world. I just wsnt to be happy again and feel like my old self, but I don't believe that will ever happen again. Shouldn't be laying here crying my eyes out and in a mess. Ive kept it at bay lately, but could feel it coming over the past week, reaching it's point last night and being pushed over today.
