New to this. Riding the waves

[Down_the_rabbit_hole]

Hello

We are not alone in this, but we seem to feel it within ourselves.
Been riding through what I like to call waves since I was 14. I am turning 30 this week. I am on one of the biggest waves at the moment. One that makes me feel worthless, sad, guilty and angry. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I get relief for sometimes months even a year then all of a sudden I will feel like this, but every time it’s a little worse. I HAVE NOTHING TO BE SAD ABOUT. I am very fortunate. I have a amazing family, fiancé and group of friends. There are so many other people worse off then me and I’m sorry. This wave is starting to push me away from people I love. Starting to make me feel so angry and hate myself. I can’t express to people how I feel because it comes out wrong. I don’t want to be around people, speak, act or let them know how horrible I feel. Everyone is dealing with their own problems they do not need mine. “I know I can pull myself out of this, I have done it so many times before” I tell myself, but what if I can’t this time. There is no other option but getting out of this. The other option is not a option. To all the people out there suffering I wish I could give you a big hug and make this all go away. I wish this could go away.
Stay safe everyone.

[Peppermintbach]

Hello,

The current wave that you’re surfing (or perhaps fighting might be more accurate) sounds very rough. It must be so draining to have to constantly face those cyclical waves...

I sense so much anger and frustration that you feel towards yourself, and perhaps guilt too...I suppose, on paper, your life looks like a fairly content and happy one, which is undoubtedly feeding into your own guilt...

Yes, it may be true that some people might be “objectively speaking”, going through more than you, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that you are also struggling. Your struggles are real and valid too...

I know it’s not easy to do, but maybe try your best not to compare your own situation to other people’s situation. Other people struggling more or less than you doesn’t negate or invalidate your own struggle...

I wonder if you have thought about asking for further help. These forums are a great starting point, but maybe your next step could be booking a long appointment with your GP to explain your mental health struggles.

I would gently suggest enquiring about the Mental Health Care Plan while you’re there. If your GP believes that is suitable, it would then entitle you to a number of Medicare rebatable visits to a psychologist who can perhaps help you come up with ways to cope with your emotional waves and any other struggles...what are your thoughts on this?

Thinking of you, and when and if you’re feeling up to it (no pressure), it would be lovely to hear from you again.

Kind and caring thoughts,

Pepper

[Down_the_rabbit_hole]

Hello Pepper

Thank you for taking the time to write back.
Yes you might be right, let’s say fighting the waves.
The thing is I have gone through the motions of seeing the gp, going through with the assessment and I was given the psychological care plan.
I really did struggle with it. More for reason I don’t think I have found the right person to talk to. As much as the therapists have been good they weren’t right for me. I am thinking about going down that road again at the minute. I think coming to terms with how I’m feeling and the heaviness that I’m feeling helps. Even you writing back has helped. I think the guilt of feeling as low as I do without a valid reason to blame it on really effects me. I know I shouldn’t compare because it does lead to feeling angry and guilty but I can’t seem to help it. That may come down to the fact I listen to 17 people a day telling me about their own struggles and mine are more mental. It’s like I fighting with myself all the time.

I am exhausted. I eat clean, exercise and really try to do everything to not be here. Yet again, here we are.

I know my biggest fault is not liking myself especially right now. Who wants to be around this. I definitely don’t want to be around it. How do you escape from yourself?

Thanks for reading.

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi there

Currently riding a wave too. This one came on quick. And yes, would love to get away from myself right now. I just want to give you a big hug back, because even though you're in a yuk space right now, you're showing empathy for others, and I think that's really beautiful.

BTW I had to shop around for a good psych. I think I ended up connecting with number 5. It's worth trying again. Best wishes, Katy

[Down_the_rabbit_hole]

Hello Katy

Thanks for joining and for the kind words.
It’s bizarre isn’t it, how sometimes it comes on very quick and heavy and all of a sudden your in this really low state of mind and you don’t know how you got there.

I think I will have to shop around but I think the whole process is rather draining. I will try again though. Nothing is ever as bad as we like to think it is.
Thanks again for the words and time.
Stay safe

[Peppermintbach]

Hello Down the rabbit hole (& a wave to katyonthehamsterwheel),

I agree with you that going through the motions of consulting various professionals can be daunting. It can feel as though it’s a bit of a tedious & draining process...sometimes I feel that way too...

But I think it might be partly, as you said, you haven’t found the right therapist for you. Sadly, as katyonthehamsterwheel is wisely said, it’s often a trial and error process...and that it helps to keep trying...

Fighting yourself must be exhausting. You sound very hard on yourself, but I also get that it can be hard not to compare. It’s easy to suggest “don’t compare”, but the reality of it is often very different...

I think self hatred is very painful, partly because the one person that we have to be around 24-7 is basically ourselves. There is no real break...

I wonder if there’s something more to your waves. I know you’ve been riding, and sometimes fighting them, for a long time now. But I wonder if there’s anything that triggers or generates the waves, which then triggers your self hatred...

For example, is it a lack of bigger meaning/life purpose that underlies those waves?

Is it having loved ones around you, but not feeling as connected or close as you would like?

Is it not being sure of who you are/identity struggles?

Those are just suggestions. I’m not asking or expecting you to answer them, & I’m not saying that it’s necessarily those reasons that underlie those waves...

But I suppose what I’m gently suggesting is maybe it’s worthwhile understanding if there is something that generates those waves? Maybe? But only if you want to though...I’m simply sharing my thoughts and ideas...

Kind and caring thoughts,

Pepper