New to this and feeling low.

[MissMum]

Hi fellow members, 

I am completely new to the forum thing in general. Thanks for this opportunity. 

So maybe I can just start with who I am. I'm a 30 year old mum and work for myself. I have suffered depression since I  was 12. I have had periods on medication. In the last few months my depression is getting worse again. I'm crying everyday, I'm tired all the time, I can see through the fog.. I'm starting to think there is no relief and it will never get better. I have been attending meditation and doing affirmations and that was helping for a while until I slipped into a bad place without even realising it. 

I feel completely alone. I am a people pleaser so it's hard for me to reach out as I work so hard to hide behind my mask. I recently tried to reach out to family and friends. I literally got ignored not even replied to. Not even "oh that's not good" etc. which has made me feel worse and more alone. My partner wants to help but he has no idea how to help or show support, he's a fix it kind of guy. I'm struggling to be a decent mother as my child means the world to me and I die a little inside every time she wants to play and I'm sitting on the couch crying and fighting my mind with no energy to talk let alone move. She often asks why I'm sad and asks if she has upset me. She is 4!! That's not fair, I don't want to be doing this to her. She deserves so much more. I make sure I tell her how much she means to me and how much I love her and that it's not her fault mummy is sad. any energy I do have goes into looking after her. I don't look after myself at all.

I have issues with my weight and pain and that limits me so much and I'm trying to get healthy, I even dramatically changed my eatting but I struggle with sugar addiction. I know my weight limits me and I want to fee healthy and happy but I feel that's mentally and physically impossible. I don't want to waste my life being sad and locking myself away from the world. 

I recently went to my GP but walked out feeing even more unsupported. I just feel like no one understands. I'm not sure what to do, I feel so trapped in my own head. 

Thanks for taking the time to read though, I'm sorry if it doesn't make to much sense I'm writing through my tears. 

[Kbet]

Hi MissMum,

First of all I would like to say welcome to Beyond Blue and thankyou for reaching out to us. I can relate to your story on so many levels. I have suffered with depression since I was maybe five or six years old and have found it to be an exhausting experience. It sounds to me that maybe you need to seek a second opinion. The GP you saw maybe wasn't the right one for you. Did they give you a test for depression? It is clear that you are struggling right now and need some support. Maybe they could have even given you a referral to a psychologist so you have someone to talk to and work through the issues that you are facing right now. So I would definitely look for a more suitable GP if that is at all possible.

I understand what it is like to reach out to family and friends and feel like your invisible. Most people don't know how to deal with mental health issues or feel uncomfortable talking about what's wrong or what they can do to help. I am glad you made the effort though because it is hard to reach out and make yourself vulnerable. Don't take their reaction to heart you are not alone, we are all here for you if you need to process anything or need some advice.

It sounds like you had all the right things in place with meditation and medication. Can I ask if you still take medication and are still practicing meditation? This can be such a benefit to you if you have found it works. I haven't had much success with meditation or my medication so far but I hope that it improves soon. I am lucky to have a good GP so I will go back to him if it doesn't start improving.

You sound like a wonderful mum, so don't be so hard on yourself. Children tend to think if mums crying then they have done something wrong. It is not your fault that you are getting emotional. It is hard to focus when you feel so lost. As long as you affirm that it isn't her fault that mummy is sad, she will be ok. I know it feels like its not fair on her but in the end you have to have one place where you can be free to crumble if you need to.

I also have weight issues and I am in pain everyday. These are all secondary to the emotionally crippling pain I experience with depression, anxiety, PTSD etc. You know that phrase "Healthy mind, Healthy Body," its very true. I think that once you start to feel better in yourself then these other issues won't seem so hard to deal with.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Best Wishes

Kbet

[MissMum]

Thank you Kbet, 

its good to know I'm not alone. And I'm sorry for your struggle also. I know how awful I feels and I hate that there are so many out there that suffer the same way. 

I went off medication about 6 or so years ago they had me on the maximum dose but it didn't help much. I found alternative therapies beneficial but to costly to continue with. 

I went back to get my blood test results today and seen a different gp, he has given me a new drug to try for 2 weeks (which I'm still unsure of) and a mental health plan, I scored quite high in the questionaire but I knew I would. 

Meditation helps but I couldn't afford to continue my weekly classes so I need the motivation to help myself and exercise, eat better and meditate and spend more time on myself. But getting out of bed is like the biggest accomplishment most days.

I acually think some of the biggest factors that have contributed to my current deep depression is financial pressures, isolation, and my weight. It's especially hard with the last 2 because the first one effects both of those situations as well. I kinda feel like I'm trapped in vicious catch 22. Then there is the anxiety and deep fears that overwhelm me daily. 

Thank so much for taking the time to reply to my post. xx 

[Guest_1055]

Hey Missmum

I'm so sorry you are going through all this. And you do seem so sad. I am giving you a warm hug now, and I hope you will receive it.

And it is painful to feel that know one understands. I can so much relate to that. For me I just want to be understood too, as well as be known as a person, or something. I feel like no-one knows me. This in turn, makes me feel alone. Is that what it is like for you?

I too am addicted to sugar, and it is hard to get free from this. For me , when I feel sad I turn to chocolate and some other junk. So you are not alone in this regards. And I firmly believe this sugar consumption has a really bad affect on our emotional health. And to our energy levels.

You do seem like a loving caring mother, to your precious little girl, please, please don't be too hard on yourself.

I don't know if I have helped you any, but please know that I care. Will you post again, to let us know, how you are going.

With love to you

Shelley anne xxxx

[Kbet]

Hi MissMum,

Thanks for keeping me updated on how you are doing. I realise it is hard to be isolated. I don't know where you are living but I live in a city and I am surrounded by people and family but I too feel the isolation that you speak of. No one really know what is going on inside your mind but you. Isolation can be physical, emotional and mental so it is quite understandable considering what you are going through to maybe feel either 1 or all of these together.

I too suffer with financial burdens and the never-ending therapy, medication and specialist appointments do come at a cost, especially if you are working. There are free clinics in just about every state in Australia for mental health problems. Most government hospitals have mental health facilities that will help you free of charge so never feel like your alone or cant manage because of financial reasons. Beyond Blue has links online where you can access the information you might need regarding who to see. On the days you are feeling like its all too much give them a call and they will put you in touch with the people that can help you or just be on the other end of the line to listen. Sometimes that is all we need. 

I hope you are managing today and know that you are in my thoughts.

Please take care of you.

Kbet

[Outofsorts]

Hi Miss Mum,  

 I have a 16 month old boy and I completely understand how hard it is to be a good mum when depression is in the way.  But you are a great mum, ensuring your daughter knows it's not her fault you're sad, by being concerned about the effects this can have on her, rather than not thinking about it.  I agree with Kbet that it would be beneficial to go see another GP.  You need one who can be supportive of you and be there for you long term.  I don't know what else to say except you're not alone...

[Kbet]

Hi MissMum,

I was wondering how it is all going? have you had much luck with your doctor lately? I am here if you need to talk. Please let us know how you are doing.

Take care and Merry Christmas

Kbet