New to BB :)

[Faithh]

Hi all,

I've had anxiety on and off but have been generally pretty good at controlling it with the usual meditation and keeping active. However since losing my job late oct 2016, I tried to act strong and then it just went spiralling out of control from there.

Instantly I seeked help because I got so scared. So I see a therapist often - which helps a lot in making me feel "normal" and also check in with a GP... also another reassurance method that I need.

Before Xmas I was feeling up and positive and looking forward to getting on with life, then after Christmas I kind of relapsed. I went to my Dr feeling scared (a common thread I'm noticing with myself!) and as it usually hits hard around ovulation he prescribed me an SSRI ... I haven't really used these before, so i held hope and thought, who knows it could make me feel stronger... after 3 days, I felt the worst I had ever felt in my life and it has traumatised me. I stopped taking it after the 6th day (under the Drs guidance) as I knew it wasn't right. It's almost been two weeks and although the Drs reassurance has calmed me and made me feel good for the following week or so, after I brought it all up with my therapist a few days ago, it has made me feel crap again. Horrible side effects like dissociation had left me feeling so fragile, and the memory and feeling has lft me scared deep down. I know its a matter of time, however, I just feel like i need support and like minded people who have been through similar experiences to help me know it will be ok and that I'm not alone.

Apart from all this I'm generally so grateful for everything, but this situation has got me really low and am finding it hard at times to be completely full of faith and hope.

Thanks for listening guys xxx

Faithh

[Faithh]

Hi Mark.

You are wonderful - thank you.

I am keeping the trust in the physical exercise and daily schedule - I always feel better after a workout... so I'm trying to focus on that.

When I have my moments of clarity I'm trying to write them down or just try to really believe it to remind myself that it will be ok.

That feeling of "what is life" "how do we even exist" freak me out at times... not as often as before... but I'm just holding hope that, that too will soon become a distant memory (or erased!) This is the feeling in particular that is making me feel most iscolated/uncomfortable/panicked/disconnected from reality, but ive returned to this thread and re-read a couple of your responses which help even just a little bit to make me feel more real. If you have any more views/comments on this in particular I would be so grateful to hear.

I'm happy that your wobbly morning turned into a beautiful afternoon. I look forward to those days where I will start to see beauty in all of the simple things like I used to. I too grew up on a big property so not appreciating it like I used to leaves me disheartened.

Thanks Mark

[MarkJT]

Faithh, you can flip that anxiety triggering thought of "what is life" and "how do we even exist" around into a positive.

Think about it, how incredible is it that we have evolved from being cavemen and women to being able to put a space probe onto a comet in way way way outer space, or how the Egyptians build the pyramids, or how your phone has more technology in it that the space program that put man on the moon. This is life, this is working out what we can achieve and what we have already achieved.

Then we can think about how we exist. Here we are on a huge chuck of dirt and rock hurtling through space surrounded by a protective bubble that shields us from deadly sun rays and space matter. Then there is the food we eat, how it grows and how it gets to us, the water we drink....just think of the logistics behind even turning on the tap to get good clean drinking water. Something that we all take so much for granted but show little appreciation for. I took up a piece of advice i got a while back to show gratitude more often and think of the things that we are grateful for but don't think it.

Every night I think of three things that I was grateful for that day. So far today it is the fruit and yogurt that i had for brekky. Was soooooo nice so thank you to the people that allowed me to have that by growing the fruit, by picking the fruit, by packaging and transporting the fruit and the people who made the yogurt. Seems such an easy thing to do and it is so effective. I have now found myself not wanting to extend my house ASAP, it will happen one day because I am very content with what i have got, unlike so many others who do not have a roof over their heads. My gratitude is very much everywhere now. I'm very appreciative for what i have.

Yes we can easily freak out at these questions but ask yourself a few of the questions. What defines you? What drives you? What do you want to achieve?

Here is an exercise for you. I want you to think of someone who had a major impact on your life. I want you to send an email or a message to that person and thank them for doing what ever they did with you. We have so many people who shape who we are and we don't thank them for it. I have done this a few times and it feels good. Not expecting anything in return, that is the key, you are simply saying "thanks".

A pretty heavy post this but this is the topics that make me realise that i am alive, not just surviving but living.

Mark.

[Faithh]

Hi Mark,

Apologies for the late response - we've had an emergency in the family, but all is calming down now.

Thank you for your reply, it wasn't a heavy post at all - it is all relevant. Thank you for sharing the exercise! I have been doing a lot more physical things rather than just sitting and thinking about it. It takes a bit of mental effort at times but Im doing my best to keep doing. I keep getting frustrated and upset by the process of healing... some days are better than others... 😕

This recent emergency in the family has shaken me, and of course as much as I'm sad about it I cant help but go inward and think - "oh no what if that happens to me/is happening to me too" "what if my brain just stops working" Sounds very silly when I read it back, so silly, but its just how Ive been feeling! (the family emergency was a neurological thing) So of course I freak out. I might go see my therapist tomorrow for some reassurance and comfort earlier than scheduled! 🙂

Faithh

[MarkJT]

Faithh, zero requirement for the apology. You post when you can or need to, no rush on it at all.

One of my biggest fears is relapsing when i am a lot older and in my early days of recovery, this was almost crippling and holding back my recovery. I learnt to control that thought by telling myself that if i do everything right now, it is most likely that i will not relapse. The point of this is that we cannot live with "what if's". As hard as it can be, if you do it can become overbearing. So you do what is right now and in the future, i.e. exercise, eat well, ideally remove alcohol but limit it and do you mindfulness/yoga etc, you should be right.

Emergencies within the family are the wild card though. As much as we are working on our own positive mental health, an emergency will throw it all out the window real quick, however, the more coping mechanisms that you learnt to control your own anxieties, the better off you will be able to handle emergencies external to you. The same principles apply.

You are doing really well - keep it going!!

Mark.

[Faithh]

Hi friends,

Hope you're all well!

Thought I'd re-post in here, as I've been told to keep my posts to one thread... !

Just checking in to get some support! I've been having a so-so afternoon with just that off/weird feeling. Sometimes I don't know if its pre-menstrual symptoms or my anxiety! (Sorry guys! haha)

One thing which is so bizarre, but creates a little fear is "oh no what if i lose my memory, what if I just stop knowing how to do things!" ahh what ifs love me...!! Has anyone had similar thoughts? I've kinda been here before a long time ago, where I remember every step was a struggle, but the more I did it the more I fought it. (I was also taking a small amount of AD then though) I am functioning and active, however in the back of my mind, there is a road block! I often jump to the worst case scenarios too when i feel like this... Thinking i must have a horrible disease and that its not just anxiety and mild depression! *frustrated/sad smiley*

Any happy, comforting thoughts welcome! 🙂

xFaithh

[Faithh]

Hi friends,Hope you're all well!

Thought I'd re-post in here, as I've been told to keep my posts to one thread... ! Just checking in to get some support! I've been having a so-so afternoon with just that off/weird feeling. Sometimes I don't know if its pre-menstrual symptoms or my anxiety! (Sorry guys! haha)

One thing which is fear is "oh no what if i lose my memory, what if I just stop knowing how to do things!" ahh what ifs love me...!! Has anyone had similar thoughts? I've kinda been here before a long time ago, where I remember every step was a struggle, but the more I did it the more I fought it. (I was also taking a small amount of AD then though) I am functioning and active, however in the back of my mind, there is a road block! I often jump to the worst case scenarios too when i feel like this... Thinking i must have a horrible disease and that its not just anxiety and mild depression! *frustrated/sad smiley*

I'm also unable to see my therapist at the moment due to still not having found any work hence I cannot afford the sessions - so i havent seen her for almost a month, which upsets me.

Any happy, comforting thoughts welcome! 🙂

xFaithh

[MarkJT]

Faith, the "what if's" in life can certainly cripple us if we do not get on top of them. I guess the best way i can put this is that in my earlier days of recovery i was very much, "What if i relapse when i am 60 or so. Will i have the strength to recover again?".

I discussed this with my psych and he asked me why i thought i would relapse. I didn't have an answer. It was just a "what if".

One of the major drivers for me to stay healthy, keep my diet good, drink plenty of water and green tea, continue to not drink alcohol and to keep on exercising is that if i do all of these things right, then i am giving myself the absolute best chance of not relapsing and therefore the removing the "what if".

You remembering every struggle, to me that is a good thing. I remember the really dark days that i was in and that is what continually drives me to do the things i need to do to stay healthy.

There is nothing to say that you are going to lose your memory or knowing how to do things. Yes your memory may fade in time if you do not do the things that you should be doing but that goes for everyone on earth. If you do not practice the things you want to do, the skills will fade.

Just slow down and remind yourself of the things you have to do and do them and remind yourself that should you do the "what if's" fade themselves.

Mark.