New to BB :)

[Faithh]

Hi all,

I've had anxiety on and off but have been generally pretty good at controlling it with the usual meditation and keeping active. However since losing my job late oct 2016, I tried to act strong and then it just went spiralling out of control from there.

Instantly I seeked help because I got so scared. So I see a therapist often - which helps a lot in making me feel "normal" and also check in with a GP... also another reassurance method that I need.

Before Xmas I was feeling up and positive and looking forward to getting on with life, then after Christmas I kind of relapsed. I went to my Dr feeling scared (a common thread I'm noticing with myself!) and as it usually hits hard around ovulation he prescribed me an SSRI ... I haven't really used these before, so i held hope and thought, who knows it could make me feel stronger... after 3 days, I felt the worst I had ever felt in my life and it has traumatised me. I stopped taking it after the 6th day (under the Drs guidance) as I knew it wasn't right. It's almost been two weeks and although the Drs reassurance has calmed me and made me feel good for the following week or so, after I brought it all up with my therapist a few days ago, it has made me feel crap again. Horrible side effects like dissociation had left me feeling so fragile, and the memory and feeling has lft me scared deep down. I know its a matter of time, however, I just feel like i need support and like minded people who have been through similar experiences to help me know it will be ok and that I'm not alone.

Apart from all this I'm generally so grateful for everything, but this situation has got me really low and am finding it hard at times to be completely full of faith and hope.

Thanks for listening guys xxx

Faithh

[Rose88]

Hi Faithh,

I have experienced disassociation and it's just scary and awful. Just know that it is possible to heal from these dark places if you keep fighting and sometimes fighting is just getting out of bed the next day.

I find that exercise helps me (like walking or swimming)

All the best

[MarkJT]

Faithh, dissociation is a horrible horrible place to be. I was diagnosed with PTSD, depression and anxiety four years ago and some of the symptoms that i had was anxiety and dissociation. I hated it, the feeling of being numb, Yuk.

I can certainly tell you that you are not alone. Just spend a little bit of time looking around the threads of this forum and you will see that very clearly.

It is very comforting to see that you are in constant touch with your psych and GP, a very very important part of recovery from mental health matters. Keep that going!

Meds are a funny thing. The first batch that i tried completely destroyed me, a horrible experience but the second was fine and I remain on these to this day. The side effects differ greatly and the ones that I am on now only made me tired and fatigued for about 8 weeks, which wasn't ideal but i'd rather that than some of the other side effects that i had with the first batch.

Do you practice mindfulness? I use it heaps to keep me grounded when feeling anxious. It takes practice to get to a good level so persist at it and Rose is spot on above, exercise, see if you can get some done. Walk, swim, run, ride...what ever it is, just get some done.

Please feel free to pose what ever question you want and we will do our best to answer.

Great to have you in the forums and I hope you have a really good experience.

Mark.

[Faithh]

Hi Rose88,

Thanks for your words. Ive been trying to keep up walking and yoga when I can 🙂

[Faithh]

Hi Mark,

Thank you for your response. I really appreciate it.
Thats how Im feeling - i feel as though the meds i tried have destroyed me. The feelings I experienced were horrifying that i think I almost have PTSD from that alone. Feeling very empty and this is a horrible feeling that sometimes feels like it wont end for me as I am usually someone that sees beauty in everything...

It feels good to know that I have your support,

Thank you so much

[MarkJT]

Faithh, love the avatar - that would be the so relaxing!

I remember when i was dissociating and thinking that this is going to be me for the rest of my life, i saw no end to it but you will come out of it. You are trying to keep up the walking and the yoga and don't underestimate how good that is what you are doing. The easiest choice to make is to not go and shut yourself out from the world but you are choosing not to do that. If you don't get it done one day, not ideal, but don't stress over it. You will get it done the next day.

You will find that you will start to have more good days than bad and exercising will be more days than not. It is about building the habit. Once you have done that, you do it as a matter of course.

I once had no feelings, no self esteem, no ego and no future...i now have all of these. You can get back to these feelings. Just keep on getting that exercise in, get the yoga done, eat good food and keep going to the psych. The journey is a marathon, not a sprint.

Mark.

[Faithh]

Hi Mark,

Thank you again - your words of encouragement are valuable more than you know!

I had a session today with my therapist and we figured out a good schedule to help me along the way. It was a great session. I also went to the gym with my sister to do a weights class this morning (Ha! first time ever with a circuit! I laugh because I'm like a long bean!) and that felt good too - something that my therapist also recommended I keep up (light weight training)

Something valuable she said was that I need to schedule motivation and that it's not something that I can wait for. That is something I've been struggling with. I know I can only help myself (along with the support of others, yourself included)

I'm happy that you have everything back that you once lacked - it gives me a lot of hope 🙂

Faithh

[MarkJT]

Faithh, so much awesomeness coming out of your post!

Love how you went to the gym and physical exercise is just so good for you. The feeling of physical exertion is brilliant and I have found it very addictive. Love the feeling. Makes you feel alive.

Great that you had a good session with the therapist. I have walked out of some sessions feeling like i was floating they were that good. Not to put a dampener on it, but you may walk out of one not feeling so good but this is the time to reinforce to yourself that you are still tracking the right way, i.e. upwards. Continue on with the treatment and the next session will be better. (hopefully they are all really good!!).

Scheduling motivation - schedule your gym sessions, schedule a walk, schedule a run, schedule a swim, schedule a phone call to an old friend, schedule anything to get your brain and/or body moving and working. There is your motivation.

Mark.

[Faithh]

Hi Mark,

Another great response from you - thank you!

Although I am taking this marathon one day at a time and feel like I would wake up tomorrow totally myself again, I am trusting that the work Im doing will benefit and heal me.

Had a few moments today where I'd catch myself remembering/thinking too hardly about that dissociative unreal feeling... in turn, felt that way, which of course makes me scared, but I try to distract myself to something physical and less emotional so that I don't go down the road of what ifs!

I have a supportive partner and family. My partner is beyond supportive, but of course I get worried that what Im going through will putting so much stress on us. Sigh - just had to vent that.

Thanks for listening 🙂

Faithh

[MarkJT]

Faithh, trust the process, love to hear that. It is about building ourselves back up to where we once were. You cannot hurry this, step by step. It is like a building, if you do not build the foundation correctly, the building will not be resilient but if your foundation is built well, it will withstand the times.

Continue to do what you are doing!

We all have times that trouble us, worry us and hurt us but as you build your resilience, these will be few and far between and you will bounce back quickly.

Take yesterday for instance, woke up somewhat wobbly and not in a good mood. My depression punched through the meds a bit so spent the morning in the car (as a passenger) looking at the awesome cloud formations and the sun splashing across the farms and country. Felt good after that. Bounced back pretty quickly and effectively.

Love that you have the support you do, awesome as support is just so critical.

I do not see your post as a vent, i see it as you talking about your day on a forum that was designed for doing just that. Well done.

Mark.