New member, saying hello, reaching out and happy to help.

[byproductofsystems]

Just a quick hello from me,

I've had anxiety near 20-25years and seems on going,

recognised a deep depression in recent years, one that has developed other issues.

PTSD, Anger management issues (for all the right reasons, i flare up too easily now at peoples utter ignorance and inability to consider how their actions impact others and how it's wrong, i live by the rule of thumb, live how you want, as long as you don't impact others negatively, and once you do, you need to change how you conduct yourself.) Manic anxiety and depression that can lead into catatonic depression. These days depending on the exact mood of the test im bouncing between 37-44 on the k10.

Yet despite all the alarm bells that rings, i still sit here going "naaah not quite right", you can label that as a error in how i perceive it. But coming from an introverted perspective with the ability to criticize, analyze and acknowledge personal faults. I found myself going "yeah but.. i guess go with the gut instinct". I'm aware that i've given up, tings have gotten hard, yet i don't understand why. I've conquered so many difficulties in life, lived through things that have destroyed others, experienced grief, loss, complete utter confusion as to how people can be so carefree with such major decisions in life. I don't understand them and it increases my disbelief, my anxiety, depression further. I feel other peoples suffering too easily, so im becoming reclusive, im tired of helping people when im not helped myself. When i feel like im always taking 3 giant leaps forward, only to take 5-6 steps back and fall over time and time again.

It's like i know how to run for everyone else when i can't even walk for myself.

My partner tries her best, but with her own issues, feels at a loss of how to help and i feel i'm becoming a burden on her now also. I'm the reason she's being held back in life. And at 34, it's hard to fathom how it's not my fault either. I seem incapable of working for idiots or "little people" who put their own ego's over the job/task at hand. People who find pleasure in menial "leadership" roles as a means to command respect when they're not worthy of it. i'm finding it harder to find challenges "worthy" (yeah im a little narcissistic, came from no childhood support / love) of exciting me. Of offering me personal development in ways that i'm not ultimately always teaching those around me. It gets tiring after a while. And I am tired. And i don't know what to do anymore.

[MsPurple]

Hi byproductofsystems

Having a k10 score greater than 30 can indicate you may have a mental illness or going through a really stressful time. I suggest you go and discuss your moods and anxiety with your GP. They can determine if they believe you need some counselling. They can refer you to a psychologist that is subserdised by medicare. You can get 6-10 free sessions (or subserdised if you decided to see someone who doesn't bulk bill) and they can help you tackle your inner demons. For me it took me years to go see a GP and to follow through with there advice. I got help 3 years ago and it was probably one of the hardest yet best things I could do for myself. I initially went through headspace but now i am seeing someone privately. I found it easier to get help by booking an appointment and saying it was for mental health. The receptionist then booked me a long appointment and because I said it was for mental health the dr bought it up. I knew I would avoid the topic otherwise. But I felt really comfortable with this GP and they were really good. (note I asked the receptionist which dr would be good for mental health and saw them). I think this is something you should really consider.

I want you to know that having these feelings is not your fault. Stress/anxiety/depresion/PTSD/eating disorders etc can affect anyone at any age. No one chooses to have these feelings. No one would ever want to have these feelings. But you can open up and get help and manage these feelings and get better. You just need to put your hand up and ask for help. You coming to the forums is a step in the right direction 🙂

[byproductofsystems]

Yeah i'm aware, I've done my Bachelor of Psychology and Behavioral Sciences with Honors. it's pretty hard seeing a new gp, i've already tried multiple medication paths already after significant time of protesting and trying to do it naturally, only to end up getting polar effects. My last medication kind of made me the angry person i am now.

Some how i keep hitting a 2% side effect chance on different medications. It really sucks and it's difficult to see a GP about. I don't feel like being judged like im shopping for medication, be in a position where i feel i'm telling a professional at their work their job. But then at the same point, i don't want to treat my system like a cess pit to medications that even doctors aren't sure will work or not. They're just going of what MIMS suggest most of the time.

I feel if i was to go back on medication, it'd be after blood tests and actually getting a pathological idea as to what is having a positive reaction in relations to my cognitive health, my chemical balances and organ functions.

Pretty crappy feeling being turned into someone you can't control then rejected by professionals for being that way. When you asked not to be given so much to begin with but "co-erced" that in their experience they've seen many positive results. This is a battle pushing 25 constant years. At what point do i get some acknowledgement and respect that maybe i do have a good idea whats going on up there and when things aren't sitting right.

*sigh* insomnia... its a killer, of all times to reply. 3:15am was it.

The suggestion you refer to is the GP referral to a mental health care plan, which includes CBT or 10 psychological visits per financial year. I do at present see a counselor outside of those and at times have sporadic access to a private psychiatrist free of charge due to ongoing relationships and his blatant refusal to turn me away in a crisis.

I guess i find nothing supportive about 10 visits in a year, feels more like a drop in a bucket hoping to put out a fire.

Just a huge part of me, fails to care anymore. He's retiring at the end of the year and even in that regard, its like i don't want to see him anymore either in case losing that hurts to much, in a way I've put distance there now so i don't have to later.

Probably not the best idea, but its stopping that area of anxiety from building i guess. Try and find the goods in any situation and all that. The proverbial silver lining.

[White_Rose]

Hello Byproductofsystems

I have just found this other thread of yours. May I ask, is this a different topic to the other one? As I said on your other thread, have to say I don't understand what I presume to be technical terms. Which means I'm unsure what to say to you. The reason I am asking about the two threads is because of the responses you will get. Two separate threads from one person will make for inconsistent replies and you will not be able to see them all together.

If you believe these are separate topics then we will continue to support you on both threads.

Mary

[byproductofsystems]

I was thinking of even posting in depression as i have that in abundance.

This was more of a personal introduction that i guess described things in general. I guess in my own way reaching out to offer in case anyone wanted to take it, both as a personal distraction from myself but more to do something productive that i feel i could do. Tbh- just feels like im doing alot of whinging for no real reason other than my mind state. I'll stop.

[White_Rose]

No you are not whinging. Being depressed is a beastly illness and it's hard to describe to anyone who has not been there. We all know about it. Beyond Blue was set up for people to interact via the forums and talk about their problems an difficulties.

If you would like to move your thread to the Depression forum that's fine. You will probably get more replies that way as not as many people look in the welcome forum. Just decide which post you want to continue with, unless you want both. Your current post here can be transferred to depression if you wish. Click on Contact Us at the bottom of the page.

Reaching out and being here is what we are all about.

Mary