New member needing help

[kittycat2]

Hi im very new this and have not been to see a doctor or any help as yet. Ive been through alot over the last 30 years and now Im at a point where I am just not coping. After reading about depression I believe that this is what is happening (or admitting) to me. To cut a long story short, Im 50 in a few months. When I was 23 I went into early menopause causing 9 years of infertility the upside I have a beautiful daughter, i was diagnosed with hashimotis thyroiditis hypothyroidism, my husband I worked with was difficult we were together for 23 years, mum died 2003, my 3 elderly cats died and my cockatoo Id had for 43 yrs died too, my divorce was a long 4 year Battle 07 -2011 and now share care 50/50 with a difficult ex, my dad died 2013, my close aunt died, my siblings arent close anymore since my parents died. I was always saving my older sister but 2 years ago I just didnt have the energy to help her anymore and I've lost contact with her now from talking everyday to nothing we were very close. Feeling exhausted in 2014 I left my full time job and sold my house I owned. Im trying to run my business and because Im exhausted Ive been diagnosed with adrenal fatigue. Although MY holistic GP changed my diet which has helped me physically my mind and mood is no better. I hybernate at home, dont find happiness In anything any more. I used to be so energetic and full of enthusiasm but now I dont care and waste my days on the lounge. Ive not been to the beach for 10 years and its 5 mins from my house. The only thing that I love is travel but I cant always do that I have work and responsibilities. I feel trapped, I hate where I live but I have to stay as my daughter has 3 years till end of yr 12 to go. Yesterday I had a melt down, I upset my daughter cause I said Id be better off dead, although Id not do anything to myself, I know its not right to say this. But I just dont know how to keep going and as Ive no one to help me or support me or talk too. I do have friends but they arent close and the image I portray is a successful independent woman, I dont show any weakness. I just feel I cant cope with life as it is any more Im struggling to do the simplest of house work or cook. Im caught in a vicious circle - Im to tired to work full-time but Im sabotaging my own business and financially going backwards. I know I have to do something but what.. thanks for listening

[MarkJT]

Kittycat, wow you have had some massive bumps in the road in your life but you are still going. This tells me that you are strong and resilient.

The first thing I want you to do is book in to see the GP. You need to discuss this and if it is there, get a diagnoses. Then you can start recovery and moving on with your life.

There are some matters here that you cannot change that are impacting on your life greatly. Need to look at the ones that you can control and the first point is you and your health. I would so love for you to head to the beach, just for a little bit. Lets break the run of not going there with a quick visit. (Hopefully) when you get there, close your eyes and see if you can name as many things that you can hear and smell, really take it in.

Start practicing mindfulness (which is what i have described above). There is a really good app called "Smiling Mind" which is really good as it is guided. With practice you will be able to learn some strategies and techniques in that helps you keep calm. Download it and see what you think.

I really want you to get to the GP and you maybe referred to a psych and that is okay.

I would love to hear from you back and lets get the journey started to get you back up and about. You can recover, do not ever doubt that. You can get your life back on track.

Mark.

[Jugglin_Strugglin]

Hi honey, Wow, I am you, you are me. Sooo much the same. Too much to handle, juggling struggling or struggling juggling. I have so much I could tell you & me, but no easy answers, I'm afraid. I have had depression before, so I do know more about that part of us. First up, you need to see your dr & tell how you are feeling. Antidepressants help take the edge off of things, but are not a cure-all for most people. They also take up to 6wks to have an effect, so the sooner you get to dr.s, the sooner you will start to feel better. I am sure the dr will do a mental health plan that may also include psychologist visits, poss a psychiatrist. All these things go hand in hand to start making you feel a bit lighter. It is also poss that your health problems and meds might be contributing to how low you are feeling, so it is worth getting an overall health check and medication revision. (I have lupus, &rheumatoid arthritis with degen spinal problems)

I too have suffered so much grief. I have lost everyone in my family over a 30yr period, someone every 5yrs, not to mention my beloved animal family over the years. On the plus side, I have no one left to argue with or save...I did all that too, so in a way it is easier now. My only living relative is my son who is in yr 11...2 more yrs to go before I can get out of the hellhole I live in.. 5mins from beach, I used to go religiously with dogs every morning, but can't remember the last time I went. I am also doing same thing to my business,but what CAN you do if you can't face picking up the phone, let alone going out the door! Friends and clients see me as 'strong', but now the phone is off the hook, so I haven't spoken to anyone since before xmas (Police visited here yesterday for 'welfare check' cos someone rang them cos they couldn't get in contact with me...no idea who, must be client I think but OMG!)

So I am in your vicious circle with you, the path is well trodden. I often think 'who wouldn't be depressed, who would be able to cope, anyone else wouldn't be here still', so it is lucky that we are strong. And we are. We HAVE to be for the kids. It is what has kept me trying. And I WANT so desperately to feel like myself.

I have so much more to share that may help you.(others here will too) I HAVE started to feel a bit lighter. I have been concentrating on it, I decided to let myself check out for a bit, can't do it much longer financially. No quick fix, so be prepared for a long haul. Talk again soon WOW

Lee x

[Jugglin_Strugglin]

Have a heart to heart with your daughter as soon as you can. She is old enough to understand and help you. It is possible that she is going through her own 'stuff' cos she has gone through all of this with you. I hope she is doing ok, and that this might bring you closer. She is at a tricky age..I had my first bout of depression in yr 9 (my dad died of cancer and my best friend since 3yo also died after a yr long illness that affected her brain -caused by childhood measles) so I went through a rebellious stage at same time/as well as adolescence.

I hope you can be there for each other. I often think it would be easier if my son was a girl, cos maybe females just understand each other, but he is a 'typical bloke' and is sooo much like his dad, which is not good and is a big worry for me, cos we are chalk and cheese, as well as female and male as well as different generations, uggh. So I do hope it is different for you.

I hope that now you understand what is wrong, you might gain some determination to start going about getting better, and that you will begin to feel some positive thoughts. I have always thrived on having a goal to work towards. I have achieved some lifelong goals, huge ones, but sometimes think that since I have done this, I have no more goals, so have been left disappointed with the end result and bored with the mundaneness of day in day out life. Combined with so many bloody hurdles that I didn't choose, I have been pushed over the edge.

There are lots of other things that I have been doing in an effort to get myself out of this funk. Mark has suggested mindfulness. Many here on BB have found it to be fantastic and continue to use it to stay well. The smiling mind app is excellent. It is so easy to get started on that, so try it out, if you haven't already.

So you have 3 things that you can do to start. Take the first step of dr appt, and then get on the same page as your daughter. If you can do these as soon as you are able and you will feel as if the ball is rolling. Then little things like vitamins can help. I have some other things that think are helping me. These forums help, reading others' story, knowing you are not alone, sharing experiences all help to make me feel connected, and pass some time in a positive way rather than sitting thinking and catastrophising, as depression MAKES you do.

I hope you find some energy somewhere inside & that your post here has helped you to start feeling a bit more like yourself.

Lee

[kittycat2]

Hi Mark Thanks for your reply and helpful advice. I booked an appointment with my GP but I can't see her for 4 weeks as she is away. I've also dl the app and will look at that tomorrow. I will try to go to the beach, I do miss it, I've always loved it. It's just that it has memories I'm trying to forget. My ex husband was so connected to the beach, it was such a huge part of our lives at home and all our travels and my childhood. The beach brings back such hurtful (and good) memories I just suppress them. But I will try and go. One thing I find so hard to stop us the mind games and numbness. I know there are things in my business and at home I should be doing and I just can't get started I'm wasting my days sitting. Thanks again for listening.

[kittycat2]

Hi Lee thanks for writing back to me, it does sound like we have similar paths. My mum had RA for 30 years its a terrible thing to have. Hers started in 1972 and treatment wasn't very good and medications caused her alot of problems. because of what she went thru I am very ainty medications and won't want to take antidepressants. I've made an appt with my GP but have to wait 4 wks. I'm due again for more blood tests as she has been working with me the last 12 months to stabilise my thyroid and adrenals naturally and with diet. its since getting these back under control that ive realised my mood / mind is just getting weaker and coping worse. This is very hard for me as its the total opposite to my normal self and keeping up a brave face its tiring. Thanks again.

[Jugglin_Strugglin]

Hi, kittycat, I understand about the medications. My mum also had AI disease..dermatomyositis, & we had a horror story started when my son was 3wks old. I had early menopause at 37..before pregnant. No period for 1yr, then fell pregnant? Hot flushes etc before that. None since I had him. Lucky.

I am not on antidepressants now. I was for about 7yrs. I don't think I had any side effects, but I am not overly perceptive to that kind of thing. I think they did help, but have been off them for a yr now, & I'm not any worse off than I was. I wish that they did work for me. I ended up sinking back down while on them.

I have chosen to check out from work, & life to a degree, without feeling guilty about it. Sort of giving my brain a holiday. I feel my depression is reactive to circumstances.I think it is understandable that we feel this way considering EVERYTHING. So I have just 'forgotten' everything and allowed myself not to think about it all. I'm not sure if I am kidding myself and am still just sticking my head in the sand, but it has been a relief to have a break from it all. Of course, it will all still be there, probably worse cos no income and bills still come. But I was at a point beyond where I just could not cope. Then work landline was cutoff on 23/12 by ph co. cos in June I signed for NBN ph package, couldn't contact them, so dead ph line. On 26/12 I awoke with extreme pain in back, now know I slipped disc in neck (making coleslaw on xmas day??!) then brother (I am adopted and natural brother in UK made contact 5yrs ago, we have since met, and ph,email etc) died on 28/12. So sunk to another low &decided to just let myself. Now I really don't want to pick up again. Still have no work ph. So it's not going to be easy & just go back & keep going. No staff, she sent me a dear John letter...after 5yrs...didn't even try &find out if I was ok, so another stab in heart. Sorry for monologue, just background to explain why it transpired to 'checkout'.

It has helped. I am also taking probiotics cos there is good data on gut-brain interface, and it all makes a lotta sense to me, and can't hurt. Plus Vit B, D, Zn, magnesium.

Hashimoto's can cause depression if thyroid low, (was nurse) so is there another dr you could see now to just get bloods checked to make sure this is not contributing to how you are feeling? Thyroid levels can change quickly, so it is worth doing.

Sorry for being so full on, I'm not a nutter, but amazed to read your story.

Lee

[MarkJT]

kittycat, outstanding that you have booked an appointment but sorry to hear that it is four weeks away. Do you think you could see some other Dr from the same place? They will have your records on file and your GP can play catch up when he/she returns. I just feel that we need to get you going on this recovery ASAP and not wait another four weeks.

The beach is a tricky one for sure but using my PTSD experience here, to avoid something would not allow me to move on. So once i got my resilience back up, i started to challenge myself, in a safe way, to go to places that i found triggering. Would love for you to get back to the beach but if that is going to be massively upsetting, lets get your resilience up to scratch and then you can take this on but of course if you are going to go and feel like you can, go for it.

Set some small goals for the day. Small things with your business and chip away at it. If you achieve all the list, awesome, if you don't, so be it - get back to it the next day. The important thing is to set the goals. I used to write a list of what i wanted to get done that day. Some days the list was very small, i.e. one to two small things, other days i felt great so achieved a lot.

Hope the Smiling Mind app is going well. Please persist with it.

Mark.

[kittycat2]

Hi Lee. I'm sorry to hear if all your hurdles, and I don't think your a nutter. I can relate to checking out, it feels safe I have days like that too but then life yanks me back out like when I have my daughter and deadlines with biz. I usedto be so quick and on the ball and now I have so much in my brain I can't make decisions and everything is taking so long. About the doctor I've only recently changed to her and she's very good so I'd rather not see anyone else as we have been working on my health and nutrition and its since this that I've realised my body is getting better its my headspace that's not and my capacity to cope is not. I'm due for my blood tests again and will have the results for her when I see her. its made a big difference no gluten diary soy coffee alcohol sugar and a few others but very restrictive which is tough some times. That gets me down too sometimes, double edge sword. my thyroid goes up and down since 1996 always adjusting at least once a year. In january i went onto T3 also. amazing that you had early menopause too that really has ruined my life it was so bad when I was mid 20s the hot flushes were unbearable and I had to put beach towels in the bed at night. I've been on HRT since 96 & was such a miracle to find out I was pregnant in 2001 naturally after years of IVF. EM still affects me though and ruined any possible relationships as I avoid that at all costs. Sorry to hear about your brother in the UK definitely must be hard for you. I think I turned for the worse after my dad died in 2013 its another struggle to hurdle over. Thanks for your kind thoughts. Tracy

[kittycat2]

Hi Mark thanks again. I know it was a wait for my GP but I'd prefer to wait as she has been working closely with me with my adrenal fatigue thyroid and exhaustion, I'm due to see her so I will battle on till I see her.

Good idea on the lists I've gotten out of this habit. ​ I seem to have so many biz and personal things to do that this is where it's getting to much for me. 1 client is easy but not enough money 3 is a handful but better income but trying to keep up is hard.

How do people keep working whem they feel so overwhelmed.

No beach yet. Thanks again