New member - anxiety, complex PTSD, misophonia

[Izbee]

Hi everyone, I joined the Forums because I’ve felt like an outsider, a weirdo, my whole life (I’m 59) because of my strange symptoms. I’m guess I’m hoping to find some reassurance that I’m not alone, and to hear how other people cope with similar symptoms.

My condition is kind of hard to describe, but I’ll try by listing some of the main symptoms. I completely freak out when I have to be in places where there are other people - restaurants, cinemas, planes, waiting rooms, queues, gym, etc. I have to sit with my back to the wall, get as far away as I can. I feel trapped and terrified and furiously angry. I can’t stand people being behind me. I am absolutely enraged by other people’s noises - eating, breathing, etc, but also music, talking, traffic, 

lawnmowers, dogs, children - anything that signals the presence of other people. I depend on my headphones/music for sanity. I go to extremes to avoid such situations. I can be very rude to people who get in my space.

I ruminate on what a total failure and fool I am, all my mistakes and flaws. I constantly feel that I should do/be better, that I haven’t achieved anything. I have an excruciating and sickening sense of doom every night as I try to go to sleep - it’s so severe it’s physically debilitating. I worry excessively about what other people think of me. I’ve lived like this since I was a very small child - over 50 years.

There’s more, but that’s probably enough for now!! Does anyone else feel like this? Thanks so much.

[Izbee]

Hi Mark

Thanks for your support and suggestions. As far as being round other people goes, I’m kind of forced into that situation three days a week because of work. I sort of manage ok - or at least most people probably wouldn’t notice how hard I find it. But it’s honestly exhausting. I just wish I could be like everyone else… I’m so tired of myself! Outside of work, I generally just avoid most interactions. It gives me some relief in a way, but it also makes me feel like a loser and makes my life seem very small and kind of pointless. 

I know I should probably keep trying with therapy, but for one thing it’s so expensive, and for another, I’ve tried so, so many different things over the years that it’s almost impossible to imagine there’s any solution. Im just so tired!

[Izbee]

Hi again everyone. I haven’t been on the forum for a while. I had a bad spot where I really didn’t feel like communicating at all - i know reaching out is better than not, but it’s the awful paradox of this stuff that the times you most need support can be the times it’s hardest to reach out…

But I wanted to post something because recently I’ve had kind of a breakthrough of sorts. I started seeing a new psychologist who suggested to me that my issue is actually autism. It was the first time this had ever been floated, and it was an absolute revelation. The more I’ve read about autism in women, the more I can see how it explains the struggle I’ve experienced my whole life - the confusion and anxiety, feeling like an outsider, not fitting in, discomfort and confusion in social interactions, hypersensitivity to sound and texture, “stimming”-style behaviours, weird obsessions, etc etc. 

It feels crazy that I got to 59 and this is the first time anyone has suggested this, or that I’ve felt some kind of understanding of why i am the way I am. It weirdly feels better to know that I actually can’t do anything about it, and helps me understand why none of the therapy, including medication, has made any difference! But i also feel a bit sad that all the masking and camouflaging I’ve been doing all my life have resulted in so much anxiety and depression and self-hatred. Maybe if I’d understood better earlier, I could have been kinder to myself.

Now I understand that the best I can do is live in a way that better suits the way I actually am, instead of trying to squeeze myself into a social structure that isn’t designed for someone like me! I need to keep living in a quiet place, spend as much time as possible around plants and animals, and build good relationships with the people I’m close to and love.

Anyhow, thank you so much for listening!

Izbee

[Mark Z.]

Hi Izbee,

What a pleasure it is to hear from you again! Thank you for the update.

I'm so happy for your recent progress and the new discoveries you've made. They're huge milestones, don't you think? This just goes to show why it's tricky for us to self-diagnose - we're not the pros.

Your story is downright inspiring, and I reckon it'll light a spark for many of us.

Stay on top of taking care of yourself and follow the autism treatment plan. And while you're at it, soak up all the good stuff life has to throw at you. I bet everything is going to keep getting better and better - you're clearly on the right track.

Mark

[Bob_22]

Hi Izbee,

Thanks for the update. It's nice to hear that you have had some clarity recently and that you're looking forward. I would suggest you continue to speak with your psychologist and how your potential autism has affected your mental health.

Keep us posted.

Bob