The loss of my love

[Bethany223]

It’s almost his anniversary. Nearly one whole year. Feels like it’s been so much longer but no where near that long at the same time. To think it’s been nearly a year since I saw his smile, heard his laugh, touched him, smelled him. Since anything. Before he passed he’d only just come back to me. He went to jail for 5 months, he was out for one month. The worst month of our relationship. The readjustment was straight from a horror movie. Looking at the person you fell in love with but having no idea who the hell they are. He changed so much from the man I knew my love for him hadn’t changed but it was a very difficult time for both of us. I was always at work. Before, during and after jail, One of my biggest regrets. The day he died he was meant to be at my house. I set the room up, made the bed, lit a candle and wrote him a little letter. I came home for lunch and the candle was still lit. Called him and messaged him. No response. I get a call at work, it’s his sister. She thinks it was him but isn’t 100% sure. I pace around work for 20 minutes because my boss won’t let me leave unless we know for sure it’s him. Well his sister called back 20 minutes later. It was him. Died in a motorcycle accident. I believe that to this day I’m still in denial but it feels like it’s getting harder to live in my denial land. I find myself crashing everyday, thinking of ending everything to be with him once again. The desire to live just isn’t there anymore and I don’t know what to do because I honestly don’t want help. I don’t want to get better. But there’s a little voice inside of me begging to keep trying. Thanks for reading any advice is greatly appreciated 

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome,

I am saddened to hear about your loss and the immense pain you're experiencing as you approach the anniversary of his passing. It's understandable that the past year has felt both long and short, as you are reminded about the time you had together.

The challenges you faced during his readjustment after jail must have been incredibly difficult for both of you. It's heartbreaking that he couldn't be with you on the day he passed, and it's natural to still feel in denial even after all this time.

In your post you mentioned there's a small part of you that wants to keep going. It's important to listen to that voice and reach out for support, even if it's difficult. There are people who care about you and want to help you through what seems to be a painful time.

Listening...

[donmcgon]

Hi Bethany,

                  Losing a loved one is devastating. Especially during difficult times. The grieving process is necessary and has no set time frame. I can't tell from your post if you have a support group such as family or close friends, but, from my own experience I had one and it was an immense help. Perhaps contacting a Professional or an organisation like Beyond Blue just to talk too, could, help you in coming to terms with your loss. They may also give you some tools to use.

Keep listening to that voice begging you to keep trying.