New member - anxiety, complex PTSD, misophonia

[Izbee]

Hi everyone, I joined the Forums because I’ve felt like an outsider, a weirdo, my whole life (I’m 59) because of my strange symptoms. I’m guess I’m hoping to find some reassurance that I’m not alone, and to hear how other people cope with similar symptoms.

My condition is kind of hard to describe, but I’ll try by listing some of the main symptoms. I completely freak out when I have to be in places where there are other people - restaurants, cinemas, planes, waiting rooms, queues, gym, etc. I have to sit with my back to the wall, get as far away as I can. I feel trapped and terrified and furiously angry. I can’t stand people being behind me. I am absolutely enraged by other people’s noises - eating, breathing, etc, but also music, talking, traffic, 

lawnmowers, dogs, children - anything that signals the presence of other people. I depend on my headphones/music for sanity. I go to extremes to avoid such situations. I can be very rude to people who get in my space.

I ruminate on what a total failure and fool I am, all my mistakes and flaws. I constantly feel that I should do/be better, that I haven’t achieved anything. I have an excruciating and sickening sense of doom every night as I try to go to sleep - it’s so severe it’s physically debilitating. I worry excessively about what other people think of me. I’ve lived like this since I was a very small child - over 50 years.

There’s more, but that’s probably enough for now!! Does anyone else feel like this? Thanks so much.

[Mark Z.]

Hi Izbee,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing your story.

Sorry that I don't have similar experience but I can tell that it must be extremely hard for you.

Don't think you're a failure and fool, and it's your mistakes and flaws. It's your mental illness, not you. You have been fighting your illness for so many years, and such a long war makes you exhausted. 

Do you want to share any professional treatments you have received, their outcome, and is there any treatment still on-going?

Mark

[Izbee]

Hi Mark, thanks for your reply and support. I’ve had so much treatment over the years - psychological counselling (mostly CBT), intensive psychotherapy for about two years, many different types of medication. I was also hospitalised once, about 8 years ago. None of it has had even the slightest effect on my symptoms, which has left me feeling that I’m just irretrievably broken and my mental illness is completely intractable. I haven’t had any kind of treatment for about five years - I’ve just essentially given up hope that I can ever be helped.

As well as the issues I described above, I also have some OCD symptoms - eg. a compulsive finger flicking/counting thing (which I try to do unobtrusively), and what I call word-splitting - when I’m reading, I need the words to be symmetrical (# of letters, or physically splittable) - when I’m very anxious, I can get stuck on a word for ages.

I’ve done my best to cope as best I can over the years. I’ve always worked, I have a wonderful adult son, and I’ve got a number of different degrees. At the moment I work part-time as a social worker. But my whole lifestyle has changed as my issues have become worse over the years. I live in a very isolated rural location in a place I don’t really like - but it was the only place I could afford to buy a property that would get me (almost) far enough away from other houses/people/noise. I feel that my life is blighted and much smaller than I’d like. I feel sad that I’ve lost so much, missed so many opportunities because of my inability to function properly in society. I guess I feel that there’s no hope of any improvement, but it might help to know others have a similar experience, and how they cope.

Thanks again for listening!

Izbee

[Izbee]

Oh, I forgot - I’ve also tried various forms of mindfulness therapy, yoga (but I couldn’t stand being in the class!), meditation, white noise therapy. None of it had even the slightest effect. The only thing that makes me feel ok is being by myself - reading, gardening, woodworking. I also like being with my partner and seeing my son, who lives in a different state. But I long to be normal and able to be around other people and ‘in the world’. I keep trying and occasionally I’m ok. I’ve worked hard on not using alcohol to cope - I haven’t really had alcohol for about five years now. But it’s a struggle. I wish everything weren’t such a struggle!

[Bob_22]

Hi Izbee,

Welcome to the forums and thank you so much for opening up and sharing your story. I'm sorry to hear that you feel like an outsider and that you have been struggling with the symptoms you have listed. It sounds like you have been combating these symptoms for a while. But you should be proud that you have gone to the lengths you have gone to, to seek treatment. More than most! This is a huge protective factor against most mental health issues. 

I certainly don't think you're alone. I know for me personally, I can struggle to be social around people in gatherings - even people that I know. Also, especially recently, I have dwelled alot on the fact that I also haven't achieved a fraction what I would have hoped to by my age. I suppose these thoughts can be quite common but they can be very demoralising. For me, it helps to compare these thoughts with my friends who also share the same sentiment. It helps remind me that I'm not alone (similar to what you're doing with these forums!).

It sounds like that you find relief in your hobbies and seeing family. This is great, and I would encourage you to incorporate more of this into your life. Also, have you considered something like volunteering? I know it can be great to give us a sense of purpose but also connect with likeminded individuals. I find it very beneficial.

Anyway hope this helps! And again welcome to our community!

Bob

[Amanda2000]

Hi Izbee,

Yes!!! You have very accurately described me! I feel like a weirdo/outsider too. We are long-lost twins, haha.

Since the start of this "covid lifestyle" of staying at home, I cannot stand my family. Every little noise from them triggers my issues. I try to get up before them and go to sleep after them just to have a calm moment all alone. Whilst this has helped my mental health a little, my physical health has suffered due to not enough sleep.

I hate people walking behind me too. I feel like they're breathing germs onto me. Also I feel unsafe - like they can attack me any second.

I get anxiety from zoom-meetings for work because of worrying about how stupid I would appear on the screen. I also worry that my co-workers can see me looking nervous.

I avoid going out.

There's more from me too. Happy to chat more. Hugs & support.

[Izbee]

Hi Bob, thanks for your kind reply, for being so welcoming, and for sharing some of your experiences that are similar to mine. I try really hard not to beat myself up over the fact that I’ve achieved so little in my life. When I’m feeling ok (which is pretty rare!), I know that just surviving is a feat in itself when I’ve suffered with debilitating anxiety my whole life. But most of the time it just feels as though I’ve wasted any abilities and potential I had. I think it’s true that a lot of people feel the same way, but it really is demoralising. I feel as though I’m in the end stage of my life now and there’s no time left for getting better, or doing anything worthwhile. It’s hard to keep going.

One thing, though, I’m glad I found this forum. It really does help to know that I’m not alone, that there are other people who think and feel the same way. 

Hope you have a great day.

Izbee

[Izbee]

Hi Amanda2000! Thanks so much for responding to my post. It’s so good to meet my long lost twin!! 🤣

I really feel for you about the Covid and work from home stuff - it’s so exhausting constantly being around the triggers. I totally get your need for some calm quiet time, but then you have to deal with the effects of that on your physical health. Aaargh!! It’s so hard being a weirdo, right! The solutions can be as hard as the problems. I bought a house in the middle of nowhere just to escape my triggers, and it does give me a lot of relief/peace and quiet - but it also means I have to drive for 45 mins to get to work, shops, etc. And, paradoxically, I also sort of miss being in society in a weird way. Does that make any sense at all??

Do you mind me asking if your family knows about your issues/triggers and how they react? I’m really lucky that I can tell my partner everything and he does his best to understand. He agreed to move out here, which is inconvenient for him, and he’s very kind and accommodating about all my weirdnesses. But I’m convinced everyone else I meet thinks I’m a nut job!! And I feel guilty about dragging my partner so far into my crazy world.

Thanks so much for your support - I’m happy to chat more too - I’d love to hear more about your experiences and how you cope. 

Hugs, 

Izbee 

PS I’m willing to bet your coworkers don’t notice your anxiety in the slightest - they’ll be too busy thinking about how they look! 😂 But the whole thing about this is that, no matter how much you can rationalise and be logical about that stuff, your anxiety doesn’t listen! Xx

[Bob_22]

Thanks Izbee,

No worries at all. I'm glad you can find some support here on the forums. I know it can be hard to face any internal disappointment about opportunities we might have missed or regrets we may have but I believe mental health comes first, and to face that struggle is a great accomplishment in of itself. 💙

Bob

[Mark Z.]

Hi Izbee，

Thank you for sharing more of your stories.

I want to say that you've been living without alcohol for five years, which is great not easy. It's a great achievement.

When you say reading, gardening, wood working makes you feel better, then I'd like to encourage you to develop more similar hobbies and let them occupy more of your time. Maybe it'll change your wellbeing.

And when you say you keep trying to be around other people and occasionally you're ok, can you come up with any rules? Knowing better what 'occasion' fits you better might give you more confidence.

And don't give up professional treatment, you may just not have come across the right solution. Feel free to ring Beyondblue hotline and chat with a professional, let them know what you have tried, and you may get some new advice.

Mark