New here

Phoenix99

Hi

i am new to the forums. I have had depression for 8 years and still struggling everyday.

therising

Hi Phoenix99

Another way I've come to look at depression is as a depression or a 'well' kind of thing. You can be teetering on the brink of falling in and not necessarily know it. You can even have entered into it and not recognise you're in a depression. It's not until some way down that you can feel yourself in there and begin to wonder 'How did I fall into this depression?'. The deeper you go, the harder it gets. There is nothing that compares to rock bottom, the darkest part of that well or depression. When people speak of 'the light at the end of the tunnel', in regard to remaining optimistic, when you turn that tunnel sideways and the light is at the top of the tunnel, at rock bottom there's not even a pinprick of light. Having been at rock bottom in the past and while being a realist, I can relate to hope not being enough while you're down there. The desperation to get out of there can become overwhelming. If there's one thing I've learned from being in that well on a number of occasions, if there's a way into it and down through it, there logically has to be a way up and out of it.

Not sure if you're able to do a bit of back tracking in order to recognise what the brink of that well or depression looked like or what even led you to it in the first place. I know, not always easy to do, recognise what's not all that obvious. For some folk this scenario might sound like

'I went through a terrible time 10 years ago, where I had no choice but to emotionally disconnect in a number of ways, so as not to feel so impacted by the events at that time. I never realised how deeply depressing remaining disconnected could become. I don't know how to emotionally reconnect'
'Someone hinted to me that I may have an ADHD brain or a nature that hints at high functioning autism. If one or the other or both (AuDHD) is the case, have the last 10 years been a reflection of the mental, phyiscal, soulful, emotional struggles etc that can come with such a challenge?'
'While I've never really had a solid sense of identity growing up and have even been led to some depressing false beliefs about myself, such as me only being acceptable if I look, sound and behave in certain ways, have the last 10 years been challenging me to completely redefine myself or discover who I naturally am? Have the last 10 years been about suppression, a lack of self understanding and not being raised in constructive ways when it comes to discovering who I really am? Have I spent the last 10 years largely in a depressing state of people pleasing?'

Just a few of many examples.

Phoenix99

Hi therising

i am definitely a people pleaser. For probably most of my life I have been. I don’t ever worry about making myself happy. I have been assessed for adhd and autism. Even if I did have it it would be mild autism. I am definitely emotionally disconnected and don’t know how to reconnect. I have been like this for 9 years. It makes life so boring now. I find everything pointless. I want my emotions back now! But I know it won’t happen that fast. Everything I go to do I cannot stop thinking about how pointless it is until I stop. Now I don’t know what to do with myself. It is driving me crazy. My brain drives me crazy every minute of the day.

therising

Hi Phoenix99

As poet John Milton once wrote 'The mind is its own place and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven'. The quest to find heaven naturally comes with a lot of questions. The greater the quest the more questions there are. I've personally found that with depression it kind of turns one into a philosopher of sorts. You can be left asking many of the questions asked by the greatest philosophers in history but because those questions have a depressing feel to them or a sense of desperation to them, they don't necessarily feel like philosophical questions. Some of those questions can be 'Who am I? Why am I here? What is the point of all this? What is my purpose? What is the purpose of life? Why do I suffer so terribly?' and the list goes on. To be a lone philosopher can feel like a form of torture but to be one amongst many becomes an exploration within an inspiring think tank of fellow wonderers in search of theories and answers. With each answer or revelation, there comes a form of graduation. From my own experience, I've come to believe that life is not simply something we do, it's something we're designed to graduate through. While I don't believe I'll ever reach 'Master' status (fully graduating), I know I have no choice but to give it a damn good go, otherwise I'll suffer through a lack of knowledge and a lack of greater self understanding.

Hmmm, how to be thoughtless 🤔. I've found there are plenty of reasons as to why it can be so challenging. The process of overthinking can begin quite young, with adults around us demanding 'Stop being so thoughtless', 'Think before you speak/act', 'You're completely thoughtless (said as a chastisement)' and the list goes on. So, we're conditioned to think all the time. Going to school or working a job means more mental processing. Navigating a variety of relationships also means having to mentally process a variety of situations. To be a people pleaser requires almost constant thinking, mental processing. The thinking just never stops until we learn how to become thoughtless in constructive ways.

Daydreaming is just one way of becoming thoughtless. Some might call this 'meditation'. If you're a well seasoned daydreamer from way back, this will be pretty easy. If I was to point out a gate or a door within your mind, once you go through that gate or door into your imagination, you'll be able to tell me what you see. Myself, my gate is a small white picket gate and beyond it is a forest full of a variety of things. I don't have to think up what's in that forest, it's just there. It's like you could ask me what lies further along the path in that forest and I don't have to think about it, I just have to walk a little further and simply see it. The image, in my imagination, simply comes to me without thinking. If you were to ask me about the finer details of what I see, then I'd have to think about it/mentally process the finer details when it comes to what I imagine. While daydreaming is an incredible natural ability, we can have people from way back (back to when we were kids) conditioning us out of daydreaming, out of this ability. So, you lose that ability. Getting it back takes practice. Of course, we can't stay in our imagination all the time. It needs to be managed strategically. I have to say, one of the most incredible things about daydreaming involves going into the place that we imagine and finding the answers we need in there and then bringing them back into reality.

Happylife

Hello Phoenix99,

So glad to hear about you wanting to help animals, it's a great initiative.

Below are couple of links that can get you started, or you can look for other opportunities that you like:

Volunteer | RSPCA Australia https://www.rspca.org.au/support-us/volunteer

https://wildlifeheroes.org.au

Hope this helps...

Take care

Happylife

Phoenix99

i don't know what is happening, i keep losing my train of thought, cannot think all day, cannot focus on anything, intrusive thoughts, not responding to anyone, confused, want to be dead. it makes me feel so frustrated and helpless. i have even forgotten my own dogs name. i am not responding to my own family. i am not even registering what they are saying,. id like some support. i cannot even imagine anymore. i have no inner monologue it feels like. my inner voice is gone. it just feels blank.