New here- looking for some avice and support

[love_of_baking]

Hi everyone,

As the title says I'm new here, have looked at the board before but finally decided to sign up today.

here is some background to my story:

I have been suffering form depression and anxiety for quite a few years now, I always brushed it off because as stupid as it sounds I didn't want to accept it because I felt weak or accept it as I have 3 kids to care for as well. I was always a quiet child and had some social anxiety growing up. It got worse when I was with my partner (we were together 13 years) towards the end of our relationship he was verbally abusive, I started getting anxiety attacks one which ended me up in hospital because I couldn't breathe and thought I was having a heart attack. We had a very bad break up and later on I found out that he was on drugs for the past 5 years, made perfect sense because that's when things got pretty bad. fast forward 5 years to today and I still get anxious and very emotional at times but have finally booked myself in to see a psychologist soon.

What I'm really looking for is some advice on how to support my current partner who also has a long history of anxiety and depression. We have been together for 6 months, he was very open and honest with me about how he gets sometimes so I knew abit right at the start. I just don't know how to deal when he is down or what to say so I usually go quiet and most of the time we will just sit in silence with our arms around each other. He is amazing when I'm feeling down but I don't know if I'm doing that good of a job when he is. he can sometimes be pretty emotionless but never cold if that makes sense. I care for him dearly and I know from experience that you cant fix anybody but I just want to know what some things are that I can do to show him that I'm there for him as well as things that I shouldn't be doing.

I could go on and on but I probably wont make any sense, if anyone wants to ask more questions please go ahead. The same goes with any advice, it would be much appreciated.

I'd just like to thank everybody in advance for taking the time to read this and look forward to hopefully hearing back from you.

[Starwolf]

Welcome to the forums, Love of baking.

Well done for taking the plunge to share your thoughts.

First of all, congratulations for acknowledging that mental illness has nothing to do with weakness. Struggling on regardless of distress and difficulties requires just the opposite...courage and resilience. You also understand that continuing to care for 3 children and a partner in need of support mean that you need before all else to take good care of yourself. You have already made it successfully over major hurdles. I admire and respect your inner strength.

Caring for someone with mental illness is a terrific job but it can easily take its toll. It sounds to me like you are already being helpful. When distress levels peak beyond words, just sitting with someone, holding them is the best thing you can do. Sometimes, expressing and feeling love is the best communication.

If you scroll down to the bottom of this page, you will find a section on Supporting someone (including Looking after yourself). Copying this link into your browser will access Carers Australia online :

https://www.carersaustralia.com.au/ (ph : 1800 242 636)

Kindest thoughts.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi love of baking

Welcome to the forums! I'm really glad that you decided to join us and share what's been going on for you.

I'm also really happy that you've specified what you're looking for so we can try and help you the best way we can - and also so you can get a variety of different perspectives here. Feel free to post again below if what we've talked about isn't helpful or if you want to talk about some of the other things you've written in your post.

Sadly, there is no rulebook for how to help someone with depression - if there was one I'm sure it would be a bestseller! As someone who has struggled with depression and supported someone with depression I can relate to a lot of what your post has talked about.

I think that it can be really hard to support someone because what one person with depression needs is unhelpful for someone else. When I'm struggling with depression, I often want to be hugged and reassured, but when my friend struggles with depression she wants to be pulled out of the house and dragged into fun activities. Likewise, I also have a partner with depression who just wants me to be there, not have to talk and he can lay on me.

So far I've found the best way to go about this is to talk; ask your partner what he needs in that moment when he's feeling down. What makes him feel better/worse? What sorts of things is helpful for you to say/not say? Sometimes people don't know what they need, and that's okay - but if he does then that can be something for you to work towards.

I think it's important to know that not saying anything or doing anything is not a problem. Sitting in silence with your arms around each other might be just what he needs in that moment. There is a lot of power in those two things; the cuddles boost happiness hormones and the silence can help him feel accepted in that moment where he might be feeling vulnerable. I assume that maybe the silence is what he needs so that he doesn't have to talk when maybe he can't put what he's feeling into words. Silence doesn't necessarily mean anything bad, and certainly doesn't imply you're not being caring, supportive or helpful.

Hope this helps