New here - hi

[Stressed4nothing]

First post. I have been dealing with depression /anxiety for about 15+ years. I was bullied as a fat kid and never really felt like I fit in then at age 22 my father commit suicide. I had a lot of counselling post that and learnt to get anxiety and depression under control. I actually had a few years where I felt more alive than ever after he went.

My main concern is these days (it's been creeping back up) is that I will end up like my father - alcoholic and on the brink. I think about it a lot. My wife is heavily pregnant and I am making her very nervous because I am acting 'childish' in her eyes - she says its like I act like I have missed out on my youth and that she is worried I wont love our child. It is a planned baby and I am ready to be a father, I am just not as into being overly prepared as her - I feel that parenting will come naturally. I just want us to remain active once the baby comes and not become couch potato parents that work and come home to the kids, sleep repeat. I saw my parents do that and it eventually sent them both insane. I'd rather get out after work and see a movie or visit friends - we have a lot of arguments about our clash of opinions on friends and their involvement in life. I would rather have friends around me all the time, she is happy with 2-3 hours a week. I feel that the lack of time I spend with friends these days has meant that I don't get enough time to air my dirty laundry so I bottle all of this inside till I crack with her. Man I wish I could explain this to her and just have her understand. She sees my attempts at explaining to her as her company not being sufficient and so it just stays inside.

I am not sleeping well either - I dream about work a lot and what I 'should have said' in situations. I beat myself up a lot - to the point that when I am in meetings, I totally lose my train of thought and can't concentrate - instead I am thinking about what I should say that would be witty and make people like me. It's just like being at school again. I am ambitious but I have not been able to get very far in my career as I struggle to network. I don't blame people for keeping their distance from me - my anxiousness comes off quite strongly. I feel like I have become such a weirdo. I even go so far as to keep jumping on the latest fad - both in work and leisure to try impress people. I say and do such random things and later on just hate myself for it. I wish I could just keep a straight path. chat soon all

[Zeal]

Hi, and welcome to the forum!

I am so sorry that you lost your father at 22. I hope you sought support during this time. Thanks for explaining your story. I am 23 , still live at home and have had anxiety (OCD) for 10 years now.

Congrats on being a father soon - that's great! These differences in opinion can unfortunately build up to become a bigger issue, which seems to be the case with you and your wife. It's great that you enjoy spending time with friends. Social isolation is unhealthy. However, your wife seems to feel as though she's inadequate company because of this. Maybe you can have your friends over for dinner sometimes, so that you can be with your wife at the same time. If they bring their partners, then your wife can socialise with other women. That being said, it's still nice for you to see your friends in other contexts too.

This fear you have of becoming like your father needs to be resolved, as this must be so emotionally frustrating for you. Seeing your doctor (GP) for a referral to a counsellor or psychologist is a good idea. Just start with a few sessions (can be cheaper with a mental healthcare plan from your GP), and see if you feel comfortable with the professional. Your doctor (GP) can give you advice on addressing your poor quality sleep. It's important to tell your doctor (and any other professionals you see) that you have a history of anxiety and depression.

Here are some online resources that I feel are relevant for you:

http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/consumers.cfm

http://www.mindhealthconnect.org.au/

https://healthyfamilies.beyondblue.org.au/pregnancy-and-new-parents/dadvice-for-new-dads

For general info on anxiety and depression, go to the menu bar on this site: look under Get support and The facts​

I hope this forum is helpful 🙂

Best wishes,

SM

[Cornstarch]

Oh dude you are being far too judgmental of yourself.

My Dad killed himself just before my 30th birthday. It is completely irrelevant what type of person he was and what sort of relationship we had - it's your Dad.

Full stop. End of story. You cannot dance around primal mammal connections no matter how Zen you may like to think you are. You have no choice but to process it somehow.

When a parent takes their own life that equals un-finished business.

You are not childish at all. You sound human.

You may have had some un-met needs and disruptions in attachment during your early childhood development that only naturally spring back when someone abandons you. They're almost like little ghosts that pop out to try and grab your Dad's attention. Hey Dad, Hey Dad look at me - but he's gone.

This makes me you feel like a total loser. But it's just one face of sadness, loss and grief.

Turning out like my father absolutely terrifies me you are not alone!

As Corny as this sounds, but it is coming from Corny after all, you have to be as loving and kind as you will be to your new child.

You're not an idiot. You're not an attention seeking wanker. Your a guy that lost the guy that was meant to stick up for you and be your primary male role model - for what ever reason he couldn't.

You are worthy of love and even if behaviours that mirror your father's come up down the track you can start again. That does not make you a terrible person.

You will not be rejected by the entire human race if you make mistakes. There are people that admit to them and people that don't. You sound very consciously aware of what you do not want to become and this is streets ahead of a lot of people! Self-awareness is not an innate state of being. Some people have zero. But you have it.

We all make mistakes, and deserve to be forgiven when we do.

I'm sorry for your Dads tragic passing. You will be a great Dad.