New here, diagnosed BPD, FP needs space

[Victoriaberry]

TW: mention of drugs

Hi

I am diagnosed with depression, anxiety and BPD.

My best friend, my 'favourite person', asked for space on Saturday morning for an unspecified amount of time. He doesnt know if or when he would come back or if he would see me again. But he did say if he cant come back he'll at least tell me in person.

We dated for a while. He cheated, prioritised drugs, did something my ex did to break up with me to make sure we wouldn't get back together. The breakup was rocky but we still lived together. We took some space when he eventually moved out but i could still message him if i needed. He was still there to support me if i needed. Cos of the issues mentioned above, we had an agreement to let me move on first which he broke after about 6 months (11 months ago now). We also had an agreement he would tell me when he did drugs because of the anxiety he knew it caused me (he knew prior to dating). He broke that 2 weeks ago.

He has been my rock, my world and have been best friends after the breakup. I know he has changed who he is alot in the last 6 months so im not ashamed to say hes still my best friend despite everything. Pls do not mention that i should not be around him cos of those things, it is not constructive, ty. I have forgiven him and he has changed.

I have been struggling a lot mentally and he had been on and off with being supportive, as he had been going through a lot himself which he didnt tell me about. I felt alone, sometimes even around him. He eventually opened up about everything. He has been the support person for a lot of people in his life, but i was the most recent and it all built up and was too much. He decided he needs space from me, and cant contact him at all while he figures himself out and works on hmself. He doesnt know when or if he'll come back. He did say i deserve to know in person, so i hope he doesnt break that and actualy still tells me in person.

Its been 4 days and i am missing him like crazy, my world feels like its ending and i just want to be able to contact him. The thought that he might break agreements, or not tell me if he wont come back scares me. The idea of how long I'll have to go without seeing him scares me too. He said it could be weeks/months. Even around friends and family i still feel alone cos i cant reach out to him at all.

Anyone been through similar? I dont want generic "it will be okay" advice cos i dont find it helpful. Please share your stories 🙂

[Victoriaberry]

I just want to say i really do want the best for him and i hope he can work on himself and he gets what he needs.
Also there are other reasons for the agreements which i will not be disclosing.

[james1]

Hello Victoriaberry,

Welcome to the forums. I'm glad you've posted here as it sounds like you're going through a lot at the moment and your emotions are running a little bit crazy. I've done some therapy for BPD in the past and one of the main things I remember was the idea of 'wise mind'. If you haven't learnt about this, it's the idea that we can often be stuck in either 'rational mind' or 'emotional mind', but ideally we need to find that balance in between where we recognise and accept that we feel really bad, but also slow down to try and think about the facts of the situation.

Anyway, when I read your post it made me think of the issues I've had in the past (and still sometimes do) when someone I am really close to starts to pull away from me. I tend to attach to just a single person at any point in time and the thought of that person somehow being unavailable is terrifying. I think it's absolutely okay to feel scared because this person is really meaningful to you. The problem we face is how to deal with these really overwhelming feelings, and a lot of that is going to come down to what you are prepared to try and do.

May I ask what you've considered or how you think you could deal with this? It sounds like you've done a similar thing before when you agreed to take some time apart. Did you find anything helpful during that period of time?

And more generally, how do you feel about having your best friend as a 'favourite person'? It sounds like the situation can cause a lot of stress, and I know it can be really hard to conceive of a situation where it wasn't like this, but it can still be helpful to just think about. In my own experience, it was something that the last time my 'favourite person' split with me, I knew I really didn't want to go through that whole experience again. You may be different to me, but it's something I'd love to hear your thoughts on.

James

[Croix]

Dear Victoriaberry~

Welcome here to the Forum - and thank you for the trigger warning, it was very thoughtful, a lot of people read these threads.

No, I'm not going to suggest you give up and get a new life, you love him and he his still a very large part of your life.

If he is the sort of person that supports others, something you mentioned, then the constant stress of this will off course take it's toll, and it may be - and I'm guessing here, that the long tern effect has been coping by drugs and withdrawal, needing peace and no constant demands on his own resources.

The fact he may have lied or attempted to drive you off could be part of this.

If he is the sort of person you think then I'd expect he probably might tell you when it's really over -again a guess I'm afraid.

Perhaps rather than just waiting to see what will happen and being worried, maybe afraid, and feeling great loss you might wish to think of things in another way. I realise you have depression, anxiety and BPD, all of which may tend to make you more dependent and life seem horrible, however if you can see waht you can do to be a supporter as well as supported it may put a different flavor on things.

Instead of being another person who will just need help, you might be seen as someone who can offer a shoulder to lean on.

I'm more than aware this is not easy and in all probability a long tern goal, involving , as it has with my illnesses, meds, therapies and time. My apologies if you are already doing this, you don't mention anything other than your diagnosis. This path at least has the virtue of hope.

You did say you had family and friends, is there anyone you can talk frankly with about how you feel - not so that they can try to "fix 'things, but just listen and let you know you are cared for?

Croix

[Victoriaberry]

Hi James,

I have no idea how to deal with this and work through it. I feel at a loss. My referral documents are still processinf between psych/gp etc so i have not started any DBT yet.

I do sometimes wish he wasnt my fp as well as my best friend, it puts so much strain on our friendship but i dont know how to detach that. This is all still really new.

Im holding out so much hope, and i beleive he will tell me in person what he decides in the end. He seemed hopeful that he will come back but then again, i overthink that he already knew he would be gone forever you know? I dont have any reason to beleive that because his behaviour seemed like he didnt want to go but hey its just me overthinking about "why was he so upset? Does he know this is the end? Does he know he wont come back" for no reason.

Ive had good and bad times, periods where i breakdown every 5 seconds and other times like today where i went all afternoon feeling mostly positive about everything resolving. Im really holding onto hope here and i know its probably just the stages of greif.

im struggling to think of how else to respond but i really do want to give more of an answer to your lengthy reply.

Thankyou so much for your time, would love to hear your reply 🙂

Victoria

[Victoriaberry]

Hi Croix,

i never thought that him supporting others and drug use would be linked so i do appreciate you opening my eyes to that possibility, i dont know if its related, only he would, but its a fresh view.

I always try to support my friends, but not everyone opens up. Hes one of the people who rarely opens up as he struggles to figure out what hes even going through and put it into words. Ive always tried to be there for him. He did tell me that it doesnt always feel like it because im constantly going through something - which i understand and was heartbreaking to hear. Hes always known i prefer to focus on other peoples struggles than my own too but oh well. I have recently tried to support him by posting referrals to things on social media etc for him to be able to access as he looks at it, i feel this is the best way i can support him without imposing on his space. He made it clear he needs to do the actual work on his own and by leaving showed he doesnt want my direct support as he needs the space more. I have always tried to make sure that he, and anyone else in my life, can come lean on me when they need. It sucks to know i havent done a good job, at least with him, based on what hes said.

As you may see in my reply to James i have yet to start DBT or medication as referrals are processing still but i will get there.

I have my brother and his fiance, who listen and answer with rational advice and comfort which help a lot. I have another friend who doesnt reply often, but thats okay i know they have their own life. And a second friend who honestly makes it harder so i am pulling back from talking to them. So really its just my brother and his fiance, but yes they help a lot.

Thankyou for taking the time to respond, i hope to hear your reply.

Victoria

[Victoriaberry]

I also just want to add, that i ended up having a "if you cant beat em, join em" mentality towards drugs and tried a few things slowly.

Sometimes i would use them to cope and even though it didnt feel like it i probably at times depended on it to a degree.

But he was my main way to access them so, i dont know, maybe thats a good thing overall that i am processing this without the use of things like that.

[james1]

Hey Victoriaberry,

Sorry about the late reply. I'm really happy to hear that you are in the process of getting a referral. If you can get into DBT, that can be really helpful. I didn't like the exercises very much, but it was good to work with someone who I felt understood me and my current psychologist is really good at making sure I feel safe and I have someone to go to if my personal life seems to be going to crap.

I totally hear you when you say you wish he wasn't your fp as well as your best friend, but don't know how to detach. I've been trying to learn for the last 4 or 5 years now and I'm still not quite there, but it certainly doesn't affect me as much as I've learnt a lot of other things that help me manage.

I am all too familiar with the questions you've said are going through your mind right now and the worst part is, as you probably know, we never get answers to them. And if we do, it's never definite and never enough. So we hold onto way too much hope, as you've said, and my own experience is that leads to either being really happy if what we hope for comes true, or devastation if it doesn't.

Anyway, I realise I have offered literally no advice in my post just now, but I actually think your posting here is really good. I am not sure if you've found it helpful (you don't have to say) but if you look around the forums, you'll see a lot of people have similar experiences, even if they haven't been diagnosed with BPD. Interpersonal relationships can be really tricky and that is what therapy is designed to help you with. It's a long term solution, but in the short term, it sounds like talking with your brother and his fiance is helpful. I also had a friend and his now-wife who I reached out to a fair bit, even just so I had someone else be my missing logical mind.

Just briefly in terms of the drug use, I think it's all personal so I don't have much to say. It sounds like you're not fully comfortable using them and would like to do something different, so I hope this period of staying 'clean' is a good one for you. Do you have any alternative ways of coping that you find enjoyable? Exercise/reading/hobbies, or anything of that sort?

James