New here and at a total loss

[Fija]

Hi there I’m new here and I joined to get help I’ve been dating a wonderful man for over 5 years now he has 2 kids I have 4 we have had our ups and downs over the years with he’s bipolar he doesn’t get to see he’s kids much one of them doesn’t want to see him at all the other hasn’t spent any time with him for quite a while now my kids are in my life only 2 live with me but are old enough to look after one another one being 20 and the other 17 my man doesn’t live with me due to the kids he can not cope being a full time dad I’m a FIFO worker so I’m not always home he understands the fifo life as that’s how we meet we were planning on marrying last Saturday and due to the coronavirus rules it made it difficult we wanted everyone there so decided to postpone I flew home a week before the wedding to be and things were starting to get stressful with the outbreak of the virus my kids aren’t alway looking after my house as best as they should I ask for simple things to be done especially to keep the kitchen clean and feed my fur baby but it’s not always up to scratch they don’t always respect me or my man My man decided to stay so we could isolate together instead of being in 2 houses

so with the virus my kids and calling off the wedding being copped up in one house has made things difficult my man expects respect from my kids they love him but They can be very lazy my older boy loves woodwork and we bought him a few tools and have wood for him to make stuff but hasn’t been touched for over 3 months since we got it anyway the shit hit the fan and my man had enough long story short he thinks I don’t make him priority one which I do I do understand he’s values but that wasn’t enough he packed all of he’s stuff said that I had waisted the last 5 years of he’s life and wanted nothing to do with me he won’t even let me have anything to do with one of our fur babies he said I didn’t love him as much as he loved me

he has had bipolar for over 20 years and does take he’s medication regularly he has pushed me away before but this seems more harder than before I have been nothing but supportive and loving to him from the first day he’s family love me and my kids
I’m trying so hard not to contact him he did say he would email me to let me know of final assets it has only been a couple of days but I’m totally gutted as this is the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with and I can’t even face my kids atm he has been my support and I have been he’s now I’m lost

[Croix]

Dear Fija~

It has been a very hard time, and the isolation together and wedding postponement will have simply made things harder.

What are your opinions about your man? Do you think he is genuinely no longer in love, or rather that he has become over-stretched? He has not had the best of relationships with his own children, and now the active family life with you has made him think he is of less importance and may actually feel he is not up to the challenge? He as after all not been actually living with you and the kids - plus fur babies.

In fairness teenagers can be difficult, even if they love. Respect may come with time , it is not an entitlement, though many males feel it is.

Having a bipolar condition often means mood swings, and these, either high or low, can affect how one behaves. Acts can be rash or not well thought out. If that happens it is harder to retreat back to how it was before. Silence might seem easier.

From the sound of it you are heart-broken. If that's the case would you consider simply showing him your post above? It says it all.

Please remember you are all in a state of high stress, and that is when things tend to go wrong. With love on both sides they can be fixed

Please let us know how you get on

Croix

[Fija]

Hi Croix

thanks for your reply I did talk to him and it seems that he is done with the way my kids disrespect me there not bad kids but it’s like I’m talking to a brick wall most of the time and one can sometimes be a bit rude to me which I let it go and my man just can’t sit by and continue to watch them walk all over me and me let them do it it’s not healthy for him to keep stepping in it’s me that should stand up to them and he’s not sure how he’s feeling but he wants to re-evaluate the relationship in a year when the youngest is 18 and can go out on he’s own

I’m hoping to give him more time to come round but with my kids being he’s trigger I don’t know which way it’s going to go

fija

[Croix]

Dear Fija~

When I read your last post I thought it was lack of respect your kids had for him that might have been the problem. Him being unable to put up with them having a lack of respect for you is a different thing.

You said that it's you that should stand up to them, and maybe that's right, you would know best. However if that is the case it is probably too big an ask to do by yourself.

Would you think it worth having a joint approach, with a set of pre-agreed steps to follow each time there is an incident?

He has not given up on you, or he would not be talking of a time when the kids are gone, so maybe it is something you might be able to accomplish together. You put up boundaries, with his encouragement, then he helps if they are ignored.

The main thing being you take the first step each time, maybe saying "I won't let you talk to me like that" or "I don't accept you did not do whatever it was I asked''.

If you are ignored or given smart replies then he could then step in feeling within himself he was not intruding and was helping you out, not trying to do it all himself and maybe thinking less of you in the process (sorry to be blunt there).

Do you think it is worth a go?

Croix

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I’ve been in two step parent situations and I have bipolar.

Separating bipolar the illness and volatile blended relationships is imo essential in this crisis situation.Ill explain.

Firstly, his relationships with his children does not seem so relevant in this case, more your home environment and relationships.

When a powder keg occurs under the same roof whereby there are step children, particularly when the step parent and the step children have issues of an argumentive core the fact that bipolar moods “either high or low” frankly has little to do with the cause. To suggest so is purely speculative and if it is more likely to do with behaviours of the children or their mums need for advice she can obtain to get her children to respond better and take on more responsibility. Making his bipolar moods a possible major factor would be unfair on him.

In both cases I was a step parent, any inclusion of myself in issues including discipline, development of rules for the kids or even endorcing the mothers decisions was met with resentment from the kids. Inside the child’s mind runs the thought “you are not my dad” and “you are supporting my mum when she makes rules for me to follow”.

Unless the child was a toddler when the step dad came into their lives he is often seen as an intruder. This is why step parent situations often fail.

Im now of the view a step parent needs to be a nurturing kind of person that willingly encompasses his step children into his/her life as “mates” and best he/she does not get involved much at all in the upbringing of the children, is merely a person that offers encouragement in a calm manner. As he has bipolar his anger might flare quicker than some but is not the core problem.

In 12 months time I can’t see why things will change when the younger of the 2 is 18yo. The older child is 20yo and still lives at home so I guess the 18yo will also.

The real problem your man has is your children’s laziness and lack of responsibility which includes looking after animals. That factor is hindering his relationship with yourself and it is you alone that can do something about it. Teaching your kids that as they are adults, they are partially responsible for harmony in the home and your happiness.

You are in a tough situation. Tough love is your choice or risk not having a love life at all because the pressure any potential partner faces is obvious to most. You deserve love ,your kids need to acknowledge that and respond.

TonyWK

[Fija]

Thx guys

partner and I are talking kids are starting to listen to me but I’m keeping everybody separated there’s a lot of trust that needs to be earnt from everyone so slow progress at this stage been very tiring time with everything that has happened I need to learn to be patient but I need to be persistent with my kids

[white knight]

Stepping stones, slow progress and ongoing progress.

TonyWK