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New Dad and Struggling with Relationship

MCM14
Community Member

I’m so glad I’ve found an Avenue where I can get this out of my system as I’m waiting to see my psychologist.

 

My wife and I recently welcomed our first child and it has been a turbulent six weeks to say the least. Our son struggled with weight gain and then my wife struggled mentally and we were in and out of hospital trying to get things right. He was feeling ill last week and through some doctors discussions she is now avoiding dairy. 

 

After a good couple of weeks it has gone downhill again. And I’ve had enough. I cannot help someone any longer that refuses to help themselves. I have suggested many times that she seek help as her mental health has not been good lately. This is met with resistance and aggression in the form of verbal abuse. This is then twisted back onto me and about how all of the problems are my fault and I am the reason she is upset. I challenge this and attempt to suggest alternate viewpoints and stand up for myself. However, I am forced to concede to her viewpoint just to end the discussion. I freely admit that I am not perfect and maybe I could be a little more proactive and attentive but the reaction I get is completely over the top. I then appear distant and disconnected as I am a sure how to communicate after such events. She acts as if nothing has happened and wonders why I feel this way. 

 

This has been a similar pattern for years now. I thought it might settle down after our son was born but it has gotten more frequent and ever more scathing in her assessment of me. As a result, I am constantly in a state of angst and second guessing every decision I make regarding our son. Something just as simple as swaddling before bed or getting the AC temperature right becomes incredibly stressful.

 

I am honestly at a loss. She needs help with her temper and her state of mind. Trying to suggest this will only end in another argument and I’m not sure I have anything left in the tank. I feel the same would occur if I tried to stage something of an intervention with family or friends. I can feel our relationship is at breaking point but I can’t just leave my son. Either way I lose as I know if I do walk away there will be little point in being a part of his life as I will still be told that I am not good enough as a man or a father.

 

I can’t take this any more and could use some other viewpoints. 

thanks in advance. 

7 Replies 7

indigo22
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi MCM14,

Welcome and thank you for reaching out to us.

 

I can feel the frustration coming through your words and I am sorry you are feeling like this at present.

 

Can I ask, how was your relationship before and during the pregnancy?

The reason I ask is that there is a huge shift in hormones after giving birth and some women are greatly affected by this. One common affect is post partum depression, but this may be affecting your partner in a different way. It can take some time for the hormonal changes to settle and since it has only been 6 weeks, it is a likely possibility.

 

Could you perhaps have a chat with the specialist who handled the pregnancy for you both and ask if this is a reaction they have seen before in post pregnancy? And, if so, how it can be helped. It may be a case of your partner not recognising that there is something out of balance, so doesn't see the need to seek help.

 

It's good you have lined up a therapist appointment to talk this through, I am sure that will be helpful for you.

 

I don't know if this is of any help, but I hope so.

Take care,

indigo

Hi indigo22

 

thanks for your reply.

 

While I don’t think she is suffering from PPD she has certainly seen an exponential increase in anxiety and self doubt which is very out of character. However, she is still very much not afraid of tearing strips off me or nit picking over anything I say, do or suggest.


Our relationship has been the same for some time. I just think I have finally woken up and realised I’m worth more than this. The only issue is it is too late to act. 

There is no point in me calling out her systemic behaviour as it will, as mentioned in the original post, be twisted back onto me. At this point I will likely react angrily by form of raising my voice and then she will begin to cry and wonder why I am raising my voice and then acting scared all of a sudden. I now believe this to be pure manipulation stemming from her desire to be in charge. 

 

Both of us have some childhood background that influences this. She has a very transactional relationship with her parents, especially her father who has a history of alcohol abuse and aggression.

 

i on the other hand am an only child so grew up very lonely and was overly coddled by my parents. I was a relative loner throughout my formative years and so when the chance came my way to begin my first proper relationship at 21 I grabbed it. We initially separated after six months at which point I fought tooth and nail to win her back which I eventually did. What I now realise with hindsight 8 years down the track is that I was terrified of being alone yet again and I was craving the idea of a relationship rather than the one at hand. That is on me.

 

I thought I really did love her but now I think I merely loved the idea of her. That is how I have been made to feel. It is heartbreaking. Now that I have our son to consider I now have to do my best to put my true feelings aside and try to make it work for his benefit. 

I have very little desire to seek another relationship as I am now 31 and I don’t see myself wanting any more children due to the scarring experience so far. This appears gutless and as if I’m giving up and maybe I am overreacting a little bit as it has only been seven weeks but this is how I feel.

 

Am I reading too much into this situation and psyching myself out of the conversation that needs to occur? Perhaps I am. I am so torn about what the right path is to try and Recife this situation. I have thought about trying to get friends and family involved to try and suggest that she seeks help but she will not listen to her family and will feel betrayed that I have sought assistance from her friends. Which is probably fair hence my reluctance to do so.

 

While it is daunting it feels somewhat liberating to say that I am beyond lost with what to do next.

 

if anyone reading this has been in a similar situation, children or not I’d love to hear some responses and strategies to move forward. 

therising
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi MCM14

 

I feel for you so much as you face such an incredibly stressful and deeply upsetting time in your life. I wish more people would be honest when it comes to the stressful, tormenting and/or depressing aspects of parenthood and the challenges they can pose in a relationship/marriage. Sometimes we're left to imagine no one else experiences them, which is just not true. I feel it's so important that those who can relate to the challenges have open and honest discussions about them.

 

Personally, I had both my babies while in a long term depression of 15 or so years. Btw, my babies are now 22 and 19 years old. To say that some of the challenges of early motherhood ramped the depression up massively would be an understatement. I'll offer some of the traits of depression (in general) I struggled with, some obvious traits of depression and some not so obvious ones

  • A lack of emotional regulation, which can appear as mood swings (based on a variety of triggers)
  • An almost obsessive need for control, especially when things feel out of control
  • Incredible down times
  • A sense of resentment and hatred towards self and others
  • Anger issues
  • Feeling so incredibly lost with no sense of direction, which can create a sense of hopelessness and frustration

and the list goes on. So, ramp all that up when motherhood is not going well at all. Yes, definitely tough on a partner (which can be putting it mildly).

 

I've found while there can be the perfect recipe for depression, there can also be the perfect recipe for post natal depression. Part of that recipe can involve, your baby not meeting typical milestones (like everyone else's baby), problems with breastfeeding, a seriously depressing and mind altering level of sleep deprivation, people insisting 'You just need to try harder', everything feeling completely out of control, a sense of failing, every other mother appearing happy while managing almost effortlessly, a depressing lack of positive chemistry (dopamine, oxytocin etc) and on it goes.

 

The only person who could have managed to convince me to attend post natal depression group therapy was the health centre sister I'd seen after both my babies were born. After having my 2nd child, she recognised the signs and strongly suggested I attend this therapy. I respected her opinion, based on her experience with other mums and her deeply caring and non judgemental nature. My mum gave me the further push I needed when it came to actually attending the suggested sessions. These pushes I needed, in the best direction, could not have come from anyone else. From anyone else (including my husband) the suggestion would have felt like a form of criticism or a way of declaring me as 'broken' or 'a failure' and in need of 'fixing'. At the time, I already felt broken and like a failure. In my mind, I didn't need confirmation. Indigo's suggestion of speaking to the professional who managed the pregnancy could be a way to go. Do you feel your wife may respect a professional opinion, in regard to the direction she may need to take? Even coming here anonymously, for a vent, could be another way to go. Btw, those group therapy sessions (where it was a huge relief to relate and speak freely about how depressing motherhood was) actually took me out of long term depression which was both a miracle and very unexpected. The earlier list of some of the traits of depression I mentioned was a list every person in those therapy sessions could relate to. To see it composed up on a whiteboard came as a massive wake up call for me. In many ways, it changed the way I identified myself. For a start, I was not 'a failure', I was 'a woman struggling with so many depressing aspects of motherhood', aspects I had the ability to sense or feel. Sometimes the problem is not with the ability to sense or feel, it's with not being able to gain a sense of or a feel for the best way forward.

Guest_90433935
Community Member

Find a place for a few seconds and after breathing in and out answer this question: Are your children emotionally and physically safe right now and is there continuity of care moving forward? I am experiencing your distress

Hi again MCM14,

 

I feel the need to be a little blunt and I apologise in advance if you are upset by my words, however, that is not my intention.

 

If your relationship has been similar to what it is now for some time, why did you make the decision less than a year ago to bring a child into the world? Was it because you thought that a child would fix whatever was wrong with your relationship?

 

I think what you are missing here is that your partner seems to be struggling and is likely hyper-sensitive to feedback right now. Some new mothers cope well and others don't. I think you need to step back for a moment, observe what is going on around you and put your effort into doing whatever you can to help your partner cope. Whether that means talking to her mother, talking to the specialist who handled the pregnancy, a kind post pregnancy nurse, or someone she considers a trusted friend. She doesn't need an intervention, she needs the support of someone who can understand and listen to what she is struggling with.

 

It seems to me that you need to remember there are now 3 people involved and everyone's welfare needs to be carefully considered. If your partner is not coping, your child also will be effected, if you are angry and frustrated, your child will also be effected. They soak up the energy around them like a sponge and react to it.

 

I hope you hear my words as they are intended.

indigo

Dear MCM14~

I's like to join the others in welcoming you to the forum. Having read about what is happening in you home it certainly sounds an unhappy situation

 

Your partner, as you say yourself, is suffering an increase in anxiety but is not receptive to the idea of any form of psychological help in that area.

 

It is a hard situation and I'm wondering if you need some support, most people in these circumstances tend to find that the things they can think of to do themselves may seem very sensible, however basically don't work well, and that leads to feeling of frustration.

 

So do you think it might be in in order to seek some assistance from a councilor to do a couple of things, firstly to help you cope, and secondly may have some more ideas on how ot handle things.

 

This is no reflection on you, simply suggesting a method of letting you support during hard times.

 

Croix

 

Hi MCM14 

 

hi I just read your post, and I wanted to say; do not feel bad, I know it’s hard as sound like you really supportive for your wife as you stated that you faught back into her life again so that’s showing me that you deeply in love with your wife and now you become an new father congratulations.. 

 

first thing you find a way to vent it all out, that’s an big step; which that can lead you suffering from Vicarious traumatization, which means cause you having affects from her trauma.. which this can cause you having an nervous breakdown yourself so it’s good to get everything out.. 

 

i was an single child on my dad’s side and I am an oldest on my mothers side as my mother had 4 other children- I suffer from my pass with PTSD, anxiety, attachment issues and self esteem.. due to my mother was an alcoholic and adict so used to say bad things to me and that drummed into my head- that sometimes I did not realise I am doing it, so do not take it personally; I am sure your wife loves you so much.. but she may suffer an trauma from her father.. 

people keep saying lower my voice as they say I scream but I do not realising that I am screaming but that’s how I talked when I was a child, as I grew up, child not be heard; but my parents was constantly fighting with each other everytime they see each other in the same room.. so I got a habit of screaming.. the constant picking on you maybe that’s how her father used to talk to her when she was growing up so she thinks it’s ‘normal’ in such.. I do not know if you try when she goes into this stay try not react angrily by form of raising my voice; I know this is difficult to do as it hurts you but this again; this is an ‘normal’ reaction as this reminds her of her father yelling at her.. she becomes that little girl.. 

I do not know if you ever tried using an aggressive assessive approach towards things.. as sounds like small triggers are bringing out this behaviour on her.. as you did state that couple of weeks it was good.. so it could be stress.. and that’s how she deals with it.. 

 

an exercise you could do is write down when these triggers pops up.. you could do this for couple of weeks or months so when something pops up you guys can work together to prevent it.. as she may feel that it’s fault that your baby is sick, and she is taken it out on you.. 🤔