New Dad and Struggling with Relationship

[MCM14]

I’m so glad I’ve found an Avenue where I can get this out of my system as I’m waiting to see my psychologist.

My wife and I recently welcomed our first child and it has been a turbulent six weeks to say the least. Our son struggled with weight gain and then my wife struggled mentally and we were in and out of hospital trying to get things right. He was feeling ill last week and through some doctors discussions she is now avoiding dairy. 

After a good couple of weeks it has gone downhill again. And I’ve had enough. I cannot help someone any longer that refuses to help themselves. I have suggested many times that she seek help as her mental health has not been good lately. This is met with resistance and aggression in the form of verbal abuse. This is then twisted back onto me and about how all of the problems are my fault and I am the reason she is upset. I challenge this and attempt to suggest alternate viewpoints and stand up for myself. However, I am forced to concede to her viewpoint just to end the discussion. I freely admit that I am not perfect and maybe I could be a little more proactive and attentive but the reaction I get is completely over the top. I then appear distant and disconnected as I am a sure how to communicate after such events. She acts as if nothing has happened and wonders why I feel this way. 

This has been a similar pattern for years now. I thought it might settle down after our son was born but it has gotten more frequent and ever more scathing in her assessment of me. As a result, I am constantly in a state of angst and second guessing every decision I make regarding our son. Something just as simple as swaddling before bed or getting the AC temperature right becomes incredibly stressful.

I am honestly at a loss. She needs help with her temper and her state of mind. Trying to suggest this will only end in another argument and I’m not sure I have anything left in the tank. I feel the same would occur if I tried to stage something of an intervention with family or friends. I can feel our relationship is at breaking point but I can’t just leave my son. Either way I lose as I know if I do walk away there will be little point in being a part of his life as I will still be told that I am not good enough as a man or a father.

I can’t take this any more and could use some other viewpoints. 

thanks in advance. 

[indigo22]

Hi MCM14,

Welcome and thank you for reaching out to us.

I can feel the frustration coming through your words and I am sorry you are feeling like this at present.

Can I ask, how was your relationship before and during the pregnancy?

The reason I ask is that there is a huge shift in hormones after giving birth and some women are greatly affected by this. One common affect is post partum depression, but this may be affecting your partner in a different way. It can take some time for the hormonal changes to settle and since it has only been 6 weeks, it is a likely possibility.

Could you perhaps have a chat with the specialist who handled the pregnancy for you both and ask if this is a reaction they have seen before in post pregnancy? And, if so, how it can be helped. It may be a case of your partner not recognising that there is something out of balance, so doesn't see the need to seek help.

It's good you have lined up a therapist appointment to talk this through, I am sure that will be helpful for you.

I don't know if this is of any help, but I hope so.

Take care,

indigo