New and confused

[Missrubble]

Hi I'm new to the forum and dont know how to start. I guess explaining my situation might be a good place. I'm retired and have sons in their 40's who are using drugs. I am also mother sitting my 88 year old mother who has a home that she owns and shares with my brother and his wife who treat her well but work full-time so she is left on her own all day, which makes her very lonely. This is where my issues start. I feel guilty if I dont have her with me because I am retired.

My mother still drives this is about the only thing she does do. She does not make her own meals if I were to leave it to hershe would eat a jam sandwich once a day. So I make sure she eats well by preparing most of her meals for her. She is very quick to make up lies when asked about anything and then forgets what she has said. She is genuinely scared of being left alone so we cannot go out at night unless one of the family are going to be with her. She is on a pension and most of her money is going to her other son (not the one she is sharing with) who she feels very sorry for because she remembers his childhood as being treated very badly by my father and she is trying to make up for this. This is where all the lying starts and where my other brother and myself get very angry because there is nothing we can do to stop this because it is what she genuinely wants to do. The person that matters to her most in this world his him. He is in his 60's living alone and has self esteem issues. My mother is a very shy person small in stature totally dependent keeps repeating herself because she doesnt communicate with any one other than myself my partner and her needy son who rings her on her mobile everyday. Once this happens shes in her car and off she goes.

Im sorry if I am not going about my introduction the right way but I just want and need to know if there are similar circumstances happening to other people and if we can start to talk about it.

This is what is getting me so down. I have self esteem issues. My brain is just not functioning I cannot be put under the slightest bit of pressure without boiling over. I am angry all the time. In a social situation i am the listener with no input because everyone else is smarter than me. I feel that if I dont get some sort of help I will eventually have a breakdown. Please this is all in a nutshell if there is any response to this I would very much appreciate it and if I can be directed to other posts that would also be appreciated. Thanks

[PamelaR]

Hi Missrubble and warm welcome to our forums

Life sounds very difficult for you. There is a lot going on so I'm pleased you've found your way here and I am sorry that it's taken so long for you to get a response. But please know that it's not your post, it's just what happens here sometimes, posts get missed.

You've explained yourself very well, there is nothing to apologise for. It sounds like you are caring for everyone, and not doing much for yourself. Do you see anyone about your low self esteem? For example a doctor or health professional? I'm not one, just someone who has PTSD, anxiety and depression.

Being their for someone all the time, like you are for your mum, is very demanding. It's important to care for yourself as well. From my own experience, my mother lavished attention and money on my younger brother, along with leaving the house to him. There were quite a few reasons for this. Many of which I did not know until she had long passed away. It was her guilt of what she herself had done to him. So maybe there are things that have gone on between your brother and you mum that you don't know about which has caused all this attention.

One thing I've found is - not to let that bother me. Mainly because to try to influence what she did - was beyond my control.

I'm not sure how much this helps. Perhaps, you could do keyword searches for - family relationships using the search tool at the top of the page.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[jet816]

Hi Missrubble,
Firstly, thanks for sharing and opening up!
I'm not a professional just someone who has seen a lot of them!

To be honest my first impression is wow...you have a lot of people that you care for and look after, don't forget to look after yourself!!!

My Pop has dementia so although still at home gets confused, gets angry, forgets to eat and causes a lot of stress for my Nana at times. She agreed for the first time for some respite care for him, it was hard but what she needed.

I don't know where you live or your circumstance but maybe look into what support is available for your mother? Even something like meals on wheels to deliver her a hot lunch once a week could be of help.

I hope that you ease your pressure and be able to not feel so on edge 🙂