my anxiety ruining my realtionship

[Gi02]

Hi, i will try keep this short. 

I made the mistake of talking about my relationship problems to my partners cousin, he the read the messages and feels betrayed and lost trust me in. I did this because i am so anxious when not with him and don't deserve a healthy relationship making up problems that don't exist.

He says he forgives me but has lost his trust in me as i spoke bad about him behind his back. i can not forgive myself and am falling into a depression over this. any help would be appreciated. i dont know how get out of this state of panic. 

[Bob_22]

Hi Gi02,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for posting your experience today. I'm sorry to hear that you are in a state of panic and feeling depressed at the moment.

It's sad to hear you say that you don't feel you deserve a healthy relationship. Relationships can be difficult but open communication is a key factor. I would suggest if you feel anxious or guilty it might be good to hold another conversation with your partner to air how you're feeling. It might also be worth asking what could be done to reestablish some of the trust that was lost. This can be difficult however, and usually trust is something that is rebuilt over time. But it would still be worth having a discussion just to let him know how distraught how may be over the situation. I have found some useful information about building healthy relationships on the headspace website here: https://headspace.org.au/explore-topics/for-young-people/healthy-romantic-relationships/ I know headspace is only for young people but there are some great resources here which I feel are relevant for all ages. 

Additionally, have you considered speaking to your GP and/or a psychologist about your underlying anxiety that you mentioned? They could possibly refer you to a psychologist or mental health worker who could also help unpack some of your beliefs about not deserving healthy relationships. 

I hope some of this info helps. Thank you again for posting here and I hope you are able to find some further support/info on these forums. Please keep us updated with how you're going and remember that you ever need immediate support or want to talk someone you can contact the team at beyond blue by clicking the "immediate support" button and the top right hand corner of this page. 💙

Bob

[geoff]

Hello Gi02, there must be reasons why you have spoken to his cousin, major concerns that you could be worried about, but problems I'm sure many of us think about, even though they may not be true, but that doesn't stop the urge to think about them.

Trust may not have necessarily disappeared but perhaps a feeling of disappointment, but this can easily be overcome, simply by sitting down with him and explain that because of your anxious thoughts his is how you have thinking, but know deep down it won't happen and tell him you love him.

When we are suffering from a MI all types of thoughts come and go through our mind, that's not your fault and if you are now struggling with depression, then let him know.

If he loves you, which I'm sure he does, then this can be sorted out, and once you know this, then you will feel much better.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[smallwolf]

hello.

in your initial post you said you "spoke bad about him behind his back".  Is this what you felt or thought at the time when you spoke with the other person? It might not have been the rights words but you were probably trying to make a point.

Now ... your partner might have preferred you talk with them rather than the cousin. I won't disagree with that. At the same time, I will also use someone as a sounding board to work out a plan. I guess the difference is that at that stage I won't put it in writing. 

You also said that you could not forgive yourself. I cam understand you feeling guilty about what happened. I would also say it does not make you a bad person. You are only human and will (like me and others here) make mistakes. My psychologist has said to me that mistake are an opportunity to learn from. 

And if you want to chat some more .... 

[Mark Z.]

Hi Gi02,

Welcome to the forum. I'm very sorry for your challenge.

When you say you feel anxious when your partner is not with you, do you want to share a bit more about how long has it been like this and what do you think is the reason? Do you have general anxiety and then it expanded to your relationship, or this is where it started?

Don't blame yourself, everyone makes mistakes and there are ways to fix.

Hope everything will be better.

Mark