Moved to a new town and really alone

[Hanna3]

Hi, I'm in my early 60s and not well off, I recently made a big move to an inland town from the coast and am finding it cliquey and really hard to get to know anyone. I live alone with my dog who has separation anxiety so it is hard to leave him alone at home for long, which limits what I can do. I am really homesick for the easy-going lifestyle near the sea but thought a cooler climate would suit me better as I don't cope with heat well, but it's been really hot here and bad drought. I didn't expect such heat but everyone tells me it's got worse in the last couple of years and I don't have aircon, so am stuck inside the house alone a lot. I am in public housing so it's an old fibro place with no insulation.

I have friends who live a long way away but as soon as I mention to them I am feeling lonely they don't want to talk and I feel very let down, as one of them had a lot of family problems and I always let her talk a long time and tried to give her some support, now I need it there is none back. I've tried joining things like a choir and a book club but only met once before they finished for the Christmas/New Year and don't go back until February. Due to the dog's anxiety I try not to leave him alone during the day, we walk in the park a lot but you don't run into the same people often - this town is quite big, where I lived before was very small and you had a lot of acquaintances as you kept running into the same people.

Anyway I feel like I've made a huge mistake, I thought there would be more for me to do here than where I lived before but in fact it's worse, I have no family, and no friends to talk to. Hoping there is some support here as I feel lonely enough to curl up on the floor - I don't have the money to move back and anyway the wait for Housing would be years. Feel like I've made a huge mess of my life and my poor little dog seems depressed and lonely too. Thanks for any support.

[Hanna3]

Katy it was you who recommended the Scandinavian series The Bridge and would you believe the library had it, so I've got the first volume to watch over Christmas/New Year. When I got home I realised I had an American version (horror!) so went back tonight and they had the Scandinavian one yay! With that and Borgen I should be set for a while! Thanks so much for putting me onto it, I just love the Scandi noir stuff so am looking forward to it!

[Hanna3]

Thanks MM nice to talk to you! I'd be cautious about a move now but that's just my experience obviously - I did find an article on the www on "why you are happier if you don't move" and I wish I'd found it earlier!!! I think she's right. Maybe you could Google it...

Two more months of this heat and when I ask people they say it's only happened in the last few years, summers never used to get over about 30. I think everything is getting hotter. Everyone seems to be putting in aircon. I think I'll have to look around and see if I can get something at least for the bedroom!

I wonder what state you're in - I'm in NSW - the smoke is mostly from the fires in the Blue Mountains it's dreadful. I couldn't cope with the climate in Queensland!!!

I'm typing this while watching a DVD of Queen playing at Wembley Stadium in the 1980s, I saw it in the library - I can't imagine what it must be like being a performer in front of those huge crowds!

Great to hear from you and I hope you and your Mum are travelling OK - if you've been here for quite a while that must mean it's helpful - must be good once you get to know people. I know a few a bit now! Cheers! H.

h

[monkey_magic]

Hi Hanna3,

That's really good news about the air cond. Nothing worse than feeling that humidity, makes you lathargic and you don't want to do anything. It's the worst.

I'm in nsw as well.

Yeah it would be a huge buzz performing on stage. Not that I'd do it though.

I am cautious about moving again which is why I've stayed at mums. I don't pay any rent here so it suits me financially plus I've had unpleasant experiences living with others. Thanks for the google- i might just look that up.

Today and Sat's going to b really hot so take care wont you.

MM

♡☆♡☆~~~

[Maggie56]

Dear Hanna3

I'm stunned to read this, as I've just gone through the exact same situation. I'm 63 and moved to a country town eight months ago, expecting to eventually retire there. However, it didn't turn out the way I expected and two weeks ago I moved back and am now renting and looking for work. I too was very lonely and I tried all the usual avenues to try to make friends but nothing worked, including volunteering. As you have said, it seemed very cliquey and I was told by an employment consultant that any jobs that may become vacant are usually given to long-term residents. Like you, I lived with my pet (a cat) and she was what kept me reasonably sane. I actually bought a house there and have put it up for sale but it's stressful knowing that it's standing there empty for what will probably be a very long time. I also spent a fortune on lots of plants, which by now will have died. The winter was truly awful, with the water freezing in the pipes and even with a combustion fire and air-conditioning, I still had the electric heater on for most of the day for Maggie the cat. Then it soon became very hot, windy and unbelievably dusty but at least that gave me something to do; cleaning the layer of dirt off every surface every day! To make things worse, Maggie (13 years old) was spending most of the days under the bed because she couldn't cope with the heat. I literally have no friends, except for Maggie, so I didn't even have the comfort of at least speaking to someone on the phone. I found myself driving for an hour every week to a bigger town where there were big shopping centres, just so that I could mingle with people. I'm feeling a bit better now that I'm back in the "big smoke" and I hope that you can find a way to improve your situation. I'll be thinking of you and wish you all the best. Sorry if I've hijacked your post but I was surprised to be reading what is essentially my story.

[Hanna3]

Hi MM, I know what you mean about unpleasant experiences living with others - for a while when I lived in Sydney I took in lodgers as I lived close to a university - but gosh I got a couple of horrors! I vowed I'd never do it again.

Not paying rent is a great advantage!

Yes it's in the high 30s already and the smoke is really bad. I've never been stuck indoors so much and for so long but the smoke is really nasty and the heat wow! It's indoors for us until late today unfortunately.

[Hanna3]

Wow Maggie that's amazing we're the same age too! Did you move from a big city to a small town? It's a big shock. How long did you stay in the town before you moved?

The coastal town where I lived definitely had its cliques and I couldn't fully break in, but it was more relaxed and easier to meet people casually walking the dog, in cafes etc, and there were always tourists going through so you had new people around... I think these inland towns are very cliquey, they have lived here for generations and the only friendly ones appear to be the migrants who are also new to town! I think it's also very hard at our age to break into making new friends - people already have their social circle.

It's been made worse by the severe heatwave and drought, dust storms and now the smoke from nearby huge fires so we are stuck indoors alone day after day until around 5pm when I can drive out to the shops etc. Poor Sam can't even have a walk. I guess I got used to a more outdoor lifestyle by the coast even with the heat there you could go and sit by the sea for a while at an outdoor café... I feel like I've made a major mistake.

I know we're going through extreme weather conditions and that is making everything worse.

What things did you try to meet people? Have you found it much easier back in the city? What size town was it - sounds like it was fairly small. This town is a bit big for me with lots of traffic etc.

So we're stuck in today the heat is like a furnace and the smoke is awful. I feel like I've made such a mess. I'm in public housing so getting another transfer out of here could take years. I'm giving myself until the autumn as I'm sure by then we can get outdoors more at least and go for walks - if I'm still this unhappy after six months I'm going to have to think what to do. The winters here are freezing I don't mind that, but the summers have only become like this the last few years apparently they were never this hot before. Don't know if I can live with the summers here! Oh dear. So good to hear from you do tell me a bit more about what happened to you in Smalltown!

[Maggie56]

I have moved to a smallish town. I stayed there for eight months. I had carefully researched the town and as it has a hospital, high school, supermarket, GP, dentist, accountants etcetera, I believed that it was big enough for me to find some casual work and get involved in things. I thought getting away from a big city would be good but it was just the opposite. I started off very hopeful but things just deteriorated gradually until I was spending my days dreaming about moving back home. We also suffered from the bushfire smoke but we've also got that here now as well. Soon after I moved, I rang the hospital to volunteer but didn't t past the receptionist who advised that she didn't think there was anything available but would have someone call me. They never did. Then a lady posted on Facebook asking for volunteers to distribute drought care packages. I replied and she told me that when she had received them, she would post again on Facebook. Nothing appeared on Facebook and when I looked at her timeline some weeks later, there were photos of all these ladies happily sorting the parcels!!! I felt like a total fool and started to lose confidence and didn't attempt anything further. Again, I think it was because I was an "alien".

Yes, I made a big mistake but there's nothing I can do about it other than what I've done. I don't have friends but somehow I feel comforted by familiar things and being able to drive a short distance to large shopping centres where there are lots of people (never thought I'd say that, especially this time of year!). Also, Maggie is not spending all day under the bed. It's a scorcher today but I can't wait to drive down to the coast and gaze at the ocean. One good thing to come out of this is that I appreciate where I'm living; I was taking it all for granted before.

What else happened to me? Well, in spite of feeding a couple of nesting magpies, the male slammed me in the back of the head twice; the first time he drew blood, the second time the blood was running down my neck! I then spent two months doing everything while holding an umbrella; digging holes for plants, washing the car, pegging washing on the line etcetera. That depressed me even further. However, I continued to feed the magpies, as well as their two new babies. I miss them, as well as the resident echidna and the sheep (and two lambs) who regularly escaped from a neighbouring paddock and tried to eat my plants!

Clearly I'm luckier than you with the housing situation but I worry about my home back there. I'm sorry this has happened to you but hopefully things will get better. I thought I was strange for doing what I did, so it's nice to know that someone else had the same idea. I wish you and Sam all the best and I'm here if you want to chat.

Christine and Maggie

[Hanna3]

Hi Maggie, Great to hear back from you! I moved from the mid north coast to a town in Sydney. I had lived here for two years about 20 years ago but the locals I was working with (my work transferred me here) didn't like me and I resigned in the end due to the bullying - they made it clear to me they had wanted a local, not someone from the city like me. I had thought a change to the country would be lovely but it wasn't! It was a small sleepy town back then.

This many years later it's now a huge town with lots of new people and I had heard that things had really changed a lot. I wasn't coping with several problems where I was living so transferred my public housing to here. It's less cliquey than it was years ago but still takes a lot of work to break in, and at our age people tend to already have their social networks.

I know Armidale is famous for being almost impossible to break into - there is a great website called homely.com.au and if you Google "what is Armidale like to live" there are some fascinating stories of how lonely some women have found themselves, by the locals excluding them. Sounds a bit like your town! Do Google that and scroll down the comments for a while - there are some silly ones and some that are obviously estate agents and some people are just nutters, but read what a couple of women have to say about how socially isolated they were - makes you realise it's not you, it's them!! Scroll down as some of the interesting posts are older ones.

I am currently so regretting being away from the coast during this awful heatwave as I realise at the coast I could at least always get a sea breeze... I have maybe two people here to talk to but not close friends and I don't see them often. Am spending Christmas alone with my dog. So it's a shame, and I don't have the money to move back and another transfer through Housing could take a couple of years..

So good to hear from you and hear your experience as I can absolutely relate to it. Are you back with old friends or none at all I think you said? In that case we should keep in touch and give each other some support if you'd like! Scroll down the site on Armidale as some of the interesting posts are the older ones. Thanks for getting in touch I hope we can keep swapping experiences/ideas.

[Hanna3]

I meant a town west of Sydney over the mountains - not a town in Sydney! Oops must be the heat. Sorry I had to delete a lot of my reply to you because it was too long and then I had to dash out for something. I had too much to tell you about living in small towns! Best wishes to you would love to chat some more.

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hello 🙂

Glad to hear you found The Bridge (the proper one! lol). You'll have to let me know what you think, when you've watched it.

I was listening to the news on ABC tv this morning, and they were talking about the heatwave (in Adelaide maybe?) and how people in public housing don't have airconditioning, and they are talking about petitioning the government to change that for areas that experience these high temps. So it's good to see that someone has actually recognised it as a problem. Given that people in public housing are on low income and can't afford cooling, it really needs to be provided in some areas. I hope you're able to get hold of something cheap and functional to help you and Sam out a bit. It sounds a bit awful where you are. It's only 23 over here today in southwest WA. I'll send you some cool thoughts 😉

Anyway, this is me popping in to say hi, and thinking of you and Sammy. Hugs from me and Stormy. Hope you have a good day, Katy 🙂