MDD with anxious distress

[4CatWonder]

Hello, 

Im a 40-45 year old person who has been diagnosed with MDD with anxious distress after prolonged exposure to stress (that could have been managed if my workplace actually listened to me when I told them that my workload was too high and I was struggling to cope over the period of 8 months before my brain snapped and I stopped functioning or being able to function) 

I'm currently receiving treatment with a psychologist and in group therapy. I've been unable to work for several months now and it's really hard. Factually I know I'm not a terrible person, but it feels like everything else seems to validate that I AM a burden, that I can't take my share of the load, that I'm useless. I try and see friends but find this exhausting to be constantly assessing my every word and behaviour and struggle with not following conversations or not remembering important details of other people's lives, I keep cancelling on them short notice because the anxiety of leaving the house becomes debilitating. I can't find arousal and oomph for life anymore and my partner feels rejected and lonely (they have told me this) and keep telling me they "need to lower their expectations" and when they are frustrated they stomp around, slam things and make statements like "I guess I'll just do it myself, as always" I try really hard to make sure that I am cooking meals for us, doing our laundry, house chores for a minimimum of 5-6 days a week and when I express that this is hurtful to me, they tell me that they are entitled to feel emotions and I am invalidating them by being defensive and taking their feelings personally.  I know their feelings are valid and understandable. But it hurts and I don't know how to fix it and afraid it won't get better. I often feel like it would just be better to go away and let people live without this depressed blob weighing them down because I literally feel like I can't help it.

I've never had these feelings before, I've been depressed in the past but none of my coping strategies work for this and I'm exhausted. I'm so afraid it won't get better. I feel like if I could just put only "big person pants" or "have a better mask" it would be ok, but I can't make my brain come to the table and just do what needs to be done.

Sorry I am not sure what to say or ask. Thank you for listening. 

[Bob_22]

Hi 4CatWonder

Welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing your story. That's okay, you don't need to say or ask anything here. We are here to listen and support you in the way you need.

I have a history of depression and alot of things you are mentioning resonate with me. Especially the low self esteem and self worth as well as the tiredness. I hope the psychological help and support group is helping. I know for me, art therapy as well as CBT has done wonders. I came to understand during my depression recovery that my fears of being perceived as a bad person by my friends was simply a symptom I was experiencing. You might find that your friends could be alot more understanding than you think at the moment due to the MDD.

A great tip I like to share with anyone experiencing depression is the importance of exercise. My psychiatrist said that aerobic exercise for 30 minutes, 2 - 3 times a week has been proven to be as effective as medication. I would definitely recommend it and it may help with some of that lack of energy you're experiencing. 

Please keep us updated.

Bob

[indigo22]

Hi 4CatWonder,

Welcome and thank you for having the courage to reach out. I totally understand your feelings, I have been dealing with MDD and dysthymia since I was young and I know how hard it is to deal with. I also went through a very stressful prolonged period which had a profound effect on my well being so you are definitely not alone.

One thing I would like you to consider is not seeing yourself in such a negative light, you didn't intentionally set out to have major depression and anxiety, it is the result of adverse conditions in your life, so I would like to suggest that you start being kinder to yourself. I will give you as much information as I can to help you, but you need to do your part in the healing process, starting with giving yourself a break for being human just like the rest of us. Because I have been on this journey for so long (now in my 60's), I have learned a thing or two about what creates mental health issues so I am going to ask you a few questions to ponder on.

Was there any dysfunction in your early years of life? Perhaps in your family, at school with bullying, some type of abuse, it could be any number of things.

You mentioned your partner feels you are being defensive, was there a time earlier in your life when you felt you had to defend yourself against others' hurtful words or actions?

What you need to try to understand is that mental health issues don't just arise from nowhere, there is usually deep trauma that has not been addressed that has come up to be healed and I suspect that is what is happening to you at the moment. I had no idea that what was wrong with me when I was young was that I was dealing with depression, I was not diagnosed until I was in my 40's when life had worn me down to the point where I was unable to function. Sound familiar? In my case I had been burying my emotions for so long that I could not hold them down anymore, I was exhausted from trying to pretend everything was ok when it clearly was anything but ok. With respect to your partner, I would suggest that you ask for a calm conversation when neither of you are stressing out about something that needs to be attended to. Perhaps in the evening when there are no distractions, or take a walk together in nature, sit by a lake and feed the ducks and calmly talk about what is happening within you and really listen to what your partner has to say without reacting so you can both feel heard and acknowledged for what you are feeling. There are many books that I can point you to that will help you and your partner to understand what you are going through. In my opinion, understanding your mental health issues is the first step to healing them. If it was diabetes that you were dealing with, would you not want to read up on it to try to help yourself feel better? There is no difference between the two, the only difference is that mental health is still not understood by the general public and often times by the people who are dealing with it. I hope this helps a little and I will be happy to continue this conversation I you wish.

Take care,

indigo22

[therising]

Hi 4CatWonder

My heart absolutely goes out to you as you find ways to manage under such incredibly challenging circumstances. Not sure if it will help to put a different spin on depression/s but with having managed the ins and outs over the years, I've gradually come to acknowledge 'I am someone who can easily feel what's depressing (for completely valid reasons)' as opposed to using the statement that used to depress me even further and that was 'I'm someone who'll always be depressed, with some occasional good times thrown in'.

Wondering if anyone's ever mentioned to you General Adaptation Syndrome (GAS). The 3rd stage of GAS is an absolute shocker, with the side effects being serious exhaustion/fatigue, anxiety, heightened sensitivity to stress and basic challenge, depression etc. Ongoing stress puts the physical body through hell, while mental challenges tip the scales toward mental collapse. What the depression aspect does to the soul ticks the trifecta box.

From my own experience, I'd have to say what comes in the breakdown stage involves breaking down the lead up to tipping point. Not just the mental lead up but also the physical lead up. For example, physically, what happens to a nervous system that's in a constant state of hyperactivity for months on end? How does that feel? What happens when it's conditioned to feel stress, even tiny stressors? How does that feel? What happens when it becomes more and more exhausted due to overwhelming levels of hyperactivity? What happens to every energy system in the body when they're in a constant state of hyperactivity, leading to exhaustion (next to no energy)? How's the nervous system impacted, the vascular system, endocrine system, muscular system etc etc. Your body's been put through the wringer and I'm wondering whether anyone's led you to consider how to recover so many different aspects of yourself in ways that suit you specifically.

If you're a real feeler, I can't help but wonder whether you can feel people simply waiting for you to 'get better'. It can be such a lonely and horrible feeling, people waiting. On the other hand, how much nicer would it be if everyone we knew had an intervention and in that intervention they said something along the lines of 'Okay, we've all been speaking and we've come up with a plan. Person A is going to take you for blood tests and a sleep test to make sure there are no imbalances and deficiencies that could be interfering with recovery. Person B and C are going to take you out for food therapy in relaxing cafes once a week for a healthy change of scenery, while also taking you to a dietician for a recovery plan. Person D is going to help you choose the type of therapy that's going to aid you in mastering your nervous system and how you feel it at times. Person E is going to take you out to the middle of nowhere occasionally just so you can scream your lungs out' and the list goes on from A through to Z. And all of a sudden there is a team of people raising us toward recovery and greater self understanding. Sometimes I think those around us just don't know how to raise us in all the ways we really need them to at times, which can see us being left alone to wonder how we are going to raise our self (a massive challenge at times).