Learning about complex trauma

[QuietOak]

Hi, I'm married, approaching forty, have two beautiful Son's, 5 and 10, house in the suburbs, a job and seem high functioning. In reality I feel broken and lost. I have had many assessments over the years for depression, Aspergers, ADD etc but recently through a therapist and lots of reading have come to understand my mental health through a trauma lens.

I've always told myself my childhood was ok but with just a few challenges, and that I came through ok. I now realise that's not the case. I don't think I've ever had an intimate relationship and I have few experiences I can recall of feeling safe and accepted. Any thought of relying on someone or opening up triggers an intense dissociation.

I married my high school sweetheart but have come to realise it's been a codependent and emotionally abusive relationship from the start which has eroded the little sense of self I came out of childhood with and has isolated my completely. I believe my wife suffered her own neglect/abuse growing up and is likely just acting out what she knows. Just the thought of discussing this with her makes me feel close to panic though. I have some better insight now that a lot of this reaction is due to the complex trauma from my childhood. 

I want to work through my trauma and gain some sense of self and an ability to set boundaries. I am finding it really hard to start out, I think because I don't really know who I am, and also because I have coped for so many years through addiction. I am lucky to have picked milder things to be addicted to such as food, internet and work but I am so dependant on this now it is hard to escape. I try to be kind to myself and am slowly trying to accept that I need help and connection but that's really hard for me. It's never felt safe to rely on others. 

I hope that sharing some of my experiences on here will help me to open up more. 

[ecomama]

Welcome to the forums QuietOak. 

Have you only recently realised that trauma from childhood is causing issues with your willingness to relate to others? 
I'm only asking because I think we can go down as many rabbit holes as we think we need to in regards to past events. 
We can spend the rest of our lives going back there. 
I can see understanding things as whole, be it abuse or neglect, can be useful to be able to file these memories away without the emotional charge attached to them. 

FYI you don't have to discuss your journey with ANY ONE you don't feel safe sharing with, if this includes your wife, then so be it. 

I found the works by Gabor Mate on YouTube wondrous info re: childhood trauma. 

Hold HOPE. BE EXCITED that there ARE answers for you and your recovery! 
I've recovered from Complex PTSD, anxiety and depression. Manage ADHD in a relaxed way too. Happy me! lol. I doubt any assessments would show any of these diagnoses in me now. Yep for real! lol. 

For a deeper understanding about "men and shame" + vulnerability, courage, shame, scarcity etc etc AND living a whole hearted life, Brene Brown has marvellous YT clips, Ted Talks, Books! And her famous Netflix show "The Call to Courage". 

Most importantly the clincher in achieving an incredible outlook on my life and my future was gained through the works of Dr Joe Dispenza. Meditating "with" him 3 - 4 times a day. 

Overall I practice this, gratitude journaling and SELF-CARE with intention. 

Hope you come back and let us know how you're doing! 
Love EM

[Mark Z.]

Hi QuiteOak,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing your story.

I can tell that although you have complex challenge, you have made huge efforts and developed deep insights, self-awareness and resilience, which is amazing. It's really not easy but you've done so well. It's also right to seek professional help.

When you say you had many assessments and recent therapies, do you want to share if you still have some on-going treatment, and how do you feel about that? I believe it's a long-term fight and the right treatment and sticking on the plan is the key. You can also discuss with your doctor (or psychologist) the possibility of involving your wife to the treatment when it's time.

I'm not sure if you have called Beyondblue hotline and talked to a professional. As you have great awareness of equipping yourself with mental health knowledge, it's a good idea to ring them to get some advice.

Hope everything is better.

Mark