Just saying hello, and sharing my story.

skanner · ‎19-07-2016

I'm a young bloke - 23 to be precise - that has suffered from both depression and anxiety for most of my adult and adolescent life. It's hard to talk about my struggles without sounding like I'm asking for pity, or whinging, or both. But I will try.I come from a good background. I would say that I am probably one of the luckiest people alive (male, white, heterosexual - privileged beyond my own comprehension). My parents are both loving and caring individuals, I never knew financial hardship whilst growing up. Under such circumstances, I hold such disdain for my constant negativity, my inability to pull myself together when things get tough, and my insatiable desire for escapism through drugs and foolish expenditure. It's difficult to describe how exactly I feel on a day to day basis, but it's a heavy feeling. Like living under a grey sky, it's a feeling that seems to preempt every experience with a dull loathing. My anxiety has its roots in the social realm, but I'll often find myself worrying about anything my brain can construct if I'm in that 'mode of operation'. I have good days, don't get me wrong. I have days where I really believe I am lucky, where I feel it. I want to grab these days and run. But the sense that something is amiss is always in my periphery, and never a surprise when it finally returns. I want to be thankful for my life. I don't want to resent such a beautiful gift, but I do. I constantly undermine everything that is good in my world, almost intrinsically, and I'm unsure how to find a way to change such a malignant part of myself. I'm struggling to find meaning. I don't even want my life to be profound, I don't care about 'happy'. I just want to be content.

I've been bashing my head against a wall trying to find out how to get there, and I don't feel any closer.

Zeal · ‎19-07-2016

Hi Skanner,

Welcome to the forum!

I'm a 23 year old female, and I've had anxiety (OCD to be specific) for a decade now. I had mild depression in my early teens. Like you, I've had a stable and fortunate upbringing.

Have you been diagnosed with and sought treatment for the anxiety and depression before? Whether you have received treatment or not in the past, definitely see your doctor about your symptoms. Your doctor may refer you to a psychologist or a similar medical professional. Jotting down symptoms, concerns and thoughts in a notepad and taking that to the appointment is helpful. Definitely discuss the drug-taking and spending as forms of escapism, as this is important for your doctor to be aware of.

The fact that you have positive days and you appreciate the lucky elements in your life is great. Please remember that depression and anxiety do not discriminate - people from any background, race or family can experience these mental health conditions.

You seem very insightful, and I feel that you would respond well to mental health treatment, which may or may not include medication. Psychological strategies (not involving medication) include Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) and Schema Therapy. CBT is very widely used to treat anxiety disorders and depression.

It would be great to hear back from you!

All the best,

SM

skanner · ‎20-07-2016

Hey SM, thanks for the reply.

I forgot to mention that side of things, but I have seen a few therapists, and am currently in periodic communication with a psychiatrist. I too suffer from OCD symptoms, mostly 'Pure-O' and intrusive thoughts, but that side of my illness has been quelled by my medication. Currently I am taking medication, it is helping somewhat, definitely with the OCD side of things, but I'm not sure about upping the dose again.

My experience with one, which I took for several years, was mostly positive, but I found that each time my illness broke through I was simply upping the dose (as per the doctors orders) to help combat the feelings and thoughts I was having.

At this point I want to find ways of defending myself against that negativity that are internal and intrinsic to me. Not that I don't believe in supplementing my own coping mechanisms with medication (I am of the belief I will be taking advantage of chemical support for most of my life), but more so that I don't think I've fully tried all the options, and I haven't fully committed myself to getting better.

You're definitely right though, talking to a therapist would help immensely with finding those more natural and internal coping mechanisms.

I'm really interested to hear your story, if you're keen to share it. OCD is no trifling matter, and I can't imagine how scary it would have been at such a young age. If it's not too personal to ask, what sort of obsessions do you harbour?

How do you manage today? What is your outlook on life?

Thanks again for your kind words, I haven't heard of schema therapy! I will definitely look into that.

blondguy · ‎20-07-2016

Hi Skanner

SM has great advice above. I first had my ground zero anxiety attack in 1983 when I was 23. A few years later the depression started (ugh)

I contacted a community health nurse in the '80s and he turned out to be the best counselor I have ever had. By profession he was a psychiatric nurse but brilliant when it came to providing therapy.

He insisted that I see him once a week for six months. It was difficult but he gave me my life back. Having the regular visits were a key to recovery. I now see my GP for a fine tune every 8 weeks 🙂

I have the occasional low with depression but my 'overthinking' has gone....thank goodness.

You are a strong and well articulated person skanner. The peace of mind is there, its just difficult get the right doc to help us 'turn it back on'

There are many super kind people on the forums that can be here for you Skanner. You are more than welcome to post as many times as you wish:-)

Kind Thoughts

Paul

Zeal · ‎20-07-2016

Hi again Skanner,

Thanks for your great reply!

I am very happy to share my story!

I was diagnosed with OCD at 13 by a psychiatrist. I was put on varying doses of meds, which did help somewhat. My main obsessions were (and still are) cleanliness, order and avoiding germs. My compulsions have always involved excessive hand-washing. I've had a phobia of vomit since I was a child. This plays a huge part in the OCD obsessions. If I am aware that someone has gastro or feels sick, I get incredibly anxious, avoid the person, and wash my hands excessively. I still get very anxious now when I think someone has a contagious virus. I have not thrown up since I was 14, yet vomiting is an intense fear that is still a prominent threat.

The OCD severity depended on my stress levels and activities as a teen. I did rowing as a sport from the age of 12 to 15. I feel that this strenuous and time-consuming sport helped prevent my OCD from becoming more severe. I have not participated in a regular sport since the age of 17 though! In Year 12 I was constantly anxious and self-critical. I got through with an acceptable TER. I did 6 months of a health degree in 2011, but was so lost after high school and didn't do the study. I passed one subject and failed two. I then worked in retail for three months at 18, before being laid off (respectfully by my boss who knew I did my best) for not being assertive enough.

In 2012 I started an arts degree, but had to drop out for both semesters due to the eating disorder I developed. Being hospitalised (a planned admission) for 2 months was an eye-opener. I switched my degree to psychology for 2013. As I was still recovering, I did only one subject per semester. In 2014 I started studying full-time. In November this year, I will finish the degree, and I hope to do postgrad counselling next year. I am so glad I started studying psychology!

My OCD is still very much present. The handwashing is so ingrained that I rarely try to resist it. I started seeing a psychologist (for the first time in 3 years) a few months back. My life outlook is generally positive. I've been with my boyfriend for over a year now. Thanks to him, last year was undoubtedly the best year of my life. I only had one relationship before this, and I wasn't able to be affectionate because of the OCD.

I am happy for you to talk about your own journey, if you'd like to.

Best wishes,

SM