Getting really tired of this

[Struggly]

Hi, I'm new here but have been struggling with depression and anxiety all my life. I'm almost 50 and have been on anti depressants much of my adult life. A few years ago, things got really bad after I stopped taking the ADs. I tried to restart the ADs but it just didn't seem to work. Full blown panic attacks were really terrifying. The last few years feels like a merry go round where I have tied different drugs, psychologists and psychiatrists. I have had some real lows where I wanted to take my life but just couldn't come up with a what I thought would be a sure fire plan.

Lately, I have also been doing group therapy - schema therapy to be exact and while it is helpful I just can't seem to drag myself out of this deep deep depression. I'm really exhausted now and so confused. I've given up trying to understand the different medications and am terrified of changing meds again. While I sleep a lot I still feel tired. To top it off the meds are making me put on weight.

I just wish I could have a fresh start at all of this, preferably without having to be on meds. How do you guys do it? I live in constant fear of things going badly and can only ever seem to see the negative in things. This place seems like a very supportive group and while I've only read a few threads so far, there is some really positive stuff.

I'll keep reading through the forum and hope to find a few gems of wisdom here.

[blondguy]

Hello Struggly

Welcome to the forums and thankyou for posting!

You are in a dark place and I understand where you are coming from. My first ground zero mega anxiety attack was in 1983 when I was 23. The depression kicked in in 1997 heavily. Been on the same SSRI since 1995 and a tiny calmative at night to reduce the silly wake ups at silly hours of the night.

Can I ask if you have any things that are happening in your life right now that may be exacerbating your depression/anxiety?

You are pro-active health wise and doing all the right things and well done to you. Do you have a GP that has an interest in mental health? I still see mine every 8 weeks for a fine tune.

I know that regular visits to any doc are a great key to recovery. Back in the late 1980's I saw a community health worker (psychiatric nurse) once a week for six months..He insisted. He was the best therapist I have ever had.

Thankyou for your kind words about the forums. There are many super kind people on the forums that can be here for you. You are more than welcome to post back as many times as you wish Struggly

Kind thoughts for you

Paul

[Starwolf]

Hi Struggly,

Thank you for sharing your feelings. Many of us at BB can relate to where you're at.

Many are struggling to find the right medication and the right therapist. We are all different so respond differently to the same approach. Frustrating as it is, it sometimes takes several attempts to find the course of action which benefits us most. It also takes time for medication to kick in and long term effects to be felt. Because of this, it is essential to keep our medical advisor informed about our response to medication/therapy. There's no other way s/he can figure out if something else must be trialed.

I agree that struggling with depression/anxiety only ends up with battle exhaustion. I have found calm acceptance to be a positive turning point...befriending the enemy, so to speak. Over the years, instead of fighting what often felt like a losing battle, I made the decision to put my efforts into learning a few helpful techniques, like calm breathing, mindfulness, meditation, yoga and creative activities. Writing is also an excellent way to vent, unload the overload and clarify our thoughts to ourselves.

You are right, depression blindfolds us to the person we really are. Refusing to identify with this illness is another helpful tactic. There's a lot more to us than it. Letting it define us is a mistake. Retrieving ourselves from the mental/emotional rubble doesn't come easy but it with the right help, support and persistence it can be done.

Instead of focusing on what was taken away from us, what we can't do, concentrating on what we can still control is essential. One small step after the other, celebrating each tiny victory because they accumulate over time into significant achievements. Keeping in mind that the scary scenarios we concoct in our head often have zero chance of making it into reality. Stubbornly, deleting negative thoughts and replacing them with positive ones before negativity takes hold etc...There's still a lot we can do, while keeping in mind that de-programing well established patterns and re programing new ones takes time and dedication. But efforts in that direction and persistence are well worth giving it a go in the long run.

Well done for making the brave decision to join these forums. A terrific step taken.

Great to have you on board.