New beginnings

Country_girl_72 · ‎20-07-2016

Hello everyone. I am so pleased to find this site, I knew it existed but didn't realise there were community forums and a chance to chat.

This is a big thing for many reasons, I suffer with mild depression ( diagnosed after the birth of my second son 17 years ago) and have kept it in check the best I can since then. My marriage ended 4 years ago, and prior to this had endured 15 pretty tough years of being married to someone with a narcissistic and controlling personality disorder.

So nearly 4 years later after divorcing my ex, I still find myself suffering the ups and downs. I recently increased my dose slightly and this has helped.i have never had cognitive therapy, but I have certainly reached out to many people and I have a wonderful support network of friends in this small country town where myself and my children live.

So the first time in 4 years and after a dredful marriage breakup, I have met a man in this small country town who has been here all along.

This man that I "met" has also been through a terrible divorce approx 6 years ago. We have become close over the months and communicate regularly. He has not told me directly that he suffers with depression, but he has communicated to me honestly that he struggles, "is it all worth it", I have these thoughts " and so on.

I'm sure people would read this and think " walk the other way".. But in the last few weeks I have taken a different view on it all. I am now more in the mindset of staying put, whenever he pushes me away or shuts down. I don't demand his time or attention. I just support and I have to say it.. Allowing myself to fall in love with him, with this loner of a man who is very difficult to predict, who has been so honest with me right from the start. It's almost like I've been learning for years how to stick by him, anyway I'm rambling on but I wanted to help others that love someone with depression and anxiety.

I don't look at it as giving my happiness at all. My long battle with depression and the triggers that have contributed to it, have made me immensely strong and compassionate of others. I am better equipped to go with his rhythm of mood swings, withdrawal, elation, wanting to be close, pulling away again and so on.

But who knows down the track if it continues that way. I'm looking forward to reading other people's point of view and tips for loving someone with depression. It's not what I had planned but then again, you love who you love.

geoff · ‎20-07-2016

dear Country girl, a lovely post actually, because you have gone from being married to a person who changed from being someone you feel in love with to a person who turned out to be controlling and narcissistic to now wanting to be understanding and compassionate to someone else struggling with his moods, all of this means that you have become a stronger person which would not be easy to know, but from the outside that's how I look at it.
To love a person with depression means that they will have their good days and then their bad days, and on these bad days they may want to talk or they may not want to, and these days are more important than the good days, although these good days everything goes right, but it's when he is feeling down and everything is negative is when you need to tell him that you are there for him and that you love him.
If he hasn't seen a doctor about how he feels then you need to encourage him that it would be a good idea, rather than telling him, that's the first port of call and from there on he maybe prescribed medication and a suggestion to see a psychologist.
The comments he makes to you 'I have these thoughts' and 'is it all worth it' he has to realise that this could be depression and does he know what this means, and your there to help him, just as he is there to help you. Geoff. x

Just Sara · ‎20-07-2016

Welcome Country Girl to BB forum;

Well done on getting your life together after the breakdown of your marriage! It's also nice you've found someone to be close with. I know from experience how lonely life can get, especially with mental health issues. But you seem to be dealing with this well. Do you have a psychologist you could discuss your situation with?

Have you and this man discussed intimacy; getting closer? If he's pushing you away and you want more, the balance isn't there. You've said you're there for him, but could he be there for you? I hope so. You do sound happy with him. I understand why you'd want to talk about this, another relationship is a big decision.

It's great you have lots of support. Have you spoken with your friends about this? Do they know this man? If so, what do they say?

I wish you luck and hope things work out well. It's nice to think you have a chance at love.

Take care...kind thoughts...Dizzy x

Country_girl_72 · ‎22-07-2016

Thank you Geoff, it's always helpful to hear other people's point of view. With regard to this man I'm seeing, I do know that he is on medication.

I have also read though, that to suggest continued therapy and him getting help, might mean that he thinks I am patronising him and suggesting that he is weak and needs help? He is such a proud person and used to being at the top of his game. I'm being very careful about how I go about things.

What do you suggest ?

geoff · ‎22-07-2016

dear Country girl, thanks for getting back to us and understand that he is a proud person, well in a way that's good because then he will have a firm basis that he can work on, sure he could be stubborn, but I don't feel as though he will be with you at this point of time, because in a fairly new relationship people are always open to suggestions, compared to being married for 25 years where the person flatly denys getting any help, where there is never a conversation, rather it's just 'yes or no'.
By someone getting help for their depression is never ever being weak, because that's one feeling that has always stuck around because when depression was considered as being taboo, it was pushed under the carpet, but now with all the publicity and advertising this taboo has been shaken off.
No matter how big you are in society, even the biggest leaders in the world suffer from depression, in other words no one is immune, so just a bit of encouragement, coax him and say you will there for him all the way, because you know how he feels and you're been there yourself.
Perhaps you could both read up on depression and if you click onto 'Get Support' at the top and scroll down to 'Information Resourses' and order all the printed material from BB, it's all free, but contains so much to learn about all types of depression.
Please let us know how you get on. Geoff. x