Just getting my mind/thoughts out there.

[jegssie]

Hi all.

First time poster and something I'd never thought I'd have to do at my age (48), but mental health never takes a break. If nothing else, this will help me get some thoughts out there.

This last week has been fairly bad with regards depression. I've sort of managed to keep it at bay over the last 15-20 years (when i was last diagnosed) cause to excess work, however something snapped in me since this last lockdown ended (in Vic) and i've struggled to get a handle on it. I know that i can push the depression away eventually, but it's never a pleasant experience to have to deal with. And pushing the depression away doesn't solve my underlying issues.

I live in a remote-ish area so not really had a chance to make friends out here. I've been here 11 years, but as always, i've always found it hard to make friends, even as a kid. I'm a natural loner. Generally as I had my work to keep my mind occupied, i never really noticed this problem. Additionally working in the office with others workers pre-Covid, i was able to ignored the issue. But even with lockdown ending, i still can't go back to the office, probably on a permanent basis.

i got diagnosed with depression around 30yo by my psychiatrist. I only focused on the depression, however he did elude to the probability i had anxiety and possibly other things, but i brushed it off (i aint the quickest tool in the shed to put two and two together). It is only now that I've realised i never actually dealt with the anxiety/panic attacks, and now for some reason it's all come back to my mind and pushed me down a dark rabbit hole. Along with the loneliness and isolation, it has come as a punch in the stomach and i am struggling. My mind has been racing with 100s of thoughts ... and it wont keep quiet!!

I will go back and get professional help, but with x-mas coming, it will take time to find somebody out my way. I thought i'd just put my thoughts here as a start to try and get my mind sorted somehow.

[jegssie]

Hi Geoff. Nice to hear from you.

I'm not a doctor and i do certainly do not want to preempt what a future specialist might indicate is actually the matter. So I'm running on what my prior specialist said and eluded to for the time being. But with hindsight, I think he's right. I get the impression that its everything else in my mind that drags me down and that causes me to start feeling depressed. So as the days pass, the depression is the first to go, but the anxiety etc still remain but in a subdued state for a while.

It has certainly been useful to put my thoughts here in chat. It does in some small way help clear my mind and provide some visual clarity to what my mind is thinking about. The main takeaways I've decided is to try and reach out to as many friends as I can now find but be careful not to overwhelm them too much, and start seeking out a specialist to take this further.
J

[geoff]

Hello Jegssie, thanks for getting back to us, not only is it good to hear from you again but it's lovely to get your opinion.

I think what you have said is right, even though our depression doesn't actually go away, the anxiety can be stronger and it's impossible to know each day which is going to be stronger, so it can be like a yo-yo, one kicks in, then it subsides and the other takes over, then vice-versa and may happen all day unless something precipitates these feelings.

This is why it can be so confusing to us.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Learn to Fly]

Hi jegssie

So good to see you back here. And it’s really great to hear that after chatting to us you are starting to feel a bit better and gaining a bit of a clarity to everything that’s happening with you. That’s a great start, and you have come to this point all by yourself, so well done.

Sometimes this is exactly what’s needed: a chance to tell your story, feel safe during the process (no judgement from anyone) and then sort hear yourself out. Yes, we could do it by ourselves, let’s say by talking to the reflection in the mirror. We could use the same wording but the effect would never be the same as chatting to people who will always respond with great deal of understanding and kind words of support.
I like your idea about reaching out to your friends. You just never know until you actually try, hey?
Where do you usually do your workouts? How would you feel about meeting someone through the fitness channel?

[jegssie]

Hi LearntoFly

It was definitely a good idea to verbalise my issues earlier this week. Not only did it get out on paper what i was thinking, but it helped get rid of some of the 1000s of ideas and thoughts that continually race through my brain. Catching up with one of my long time friends also helped yesterday as she relieved similar issues with her parents at a young age, so in that i wasn't alone. Many things came clear during this week. I just wish i came to some of these realisations decades ago.

I lament the idea that my parents didn't pick up my developmental issues in many ways when i was a kid, and therefore didn't get some of the potential help that may have been available by the local councils. But then i look at my Mum and i'm not surprised she didn't pick these things up, as she'd have been fairly oblivious to them. However also looking back, i'm not sure council services for kids was a readily available back in the 70/80s so not sure how that would have worked.

With regards the gym, i went down the anti-social route years back and have a complete set up at home in the shed. I used to go to a commercial gym in my younger days when i lived near the city, but its not practical at present where i live.

[Banksy92]

Hi Jegssie,

Great to hear back from you again, and gain a little more insight to how you're going and what's been coming up for you.

It's often a bit of a process for us to really pinpoint the triggers and/or catalysts for mental health events like panic attacks. So I think you may be on to something where ever you read about delayed onset. I suspect they're happening because at a deeper, base level you aren't at your best and this is just your body's way of communicating to you that it needs some support.

Interesting that you're now considering if your job is having a negative influence on your mental health, it's certainly such a big part of our lives so I think it's always worth assessing if we are truly fulfilled with how we spend our days. I actually faced something similar last year, when I realized that I was unhappy in my job. Working remotely for 4 years, a very corporate industry that didn't align with my values, and highly stressed colleagues... It just wasn't for me. I slowly made steps to get where I wanted to be and a year later I am here and it's done wonders. So I definitely believe this can be a helpful step!

Brilliant to hear you're looking after your health with regular exercise - sounds like you're quite the runner! That's wonderful. Maybe there is a group in your area you could join who workout together? (Walking group/gym classes/etc)

Have you had a chance to look into seeing a psychologist yet?

Let us know how you're getting on.