Isolated

[Treegirl3]

Hello. I'm new to this .

I have struggled with depression and anxiety for a while. The last 5 months have been hard. Barely want to get out of bed most days. In the last few weeks though I have started a course and have been pushing myself to get things done. I have been feeling better. But still have bad days where I just feel numb or really low. I am going to go see a psychologist.

My biggest struggle atm is that I'm 25 and have no close friends or family that want to be around me. I find I can't maintain conversation or find anything interesting to talk about. I don't 'click' with anyone and I can tell that I bore people. I feel as though I have no depth and nothing to bring to the table when it comes to friendship so people just aren't interested in my company.

I get social anxiety and go into this mode where I am constantly judging myself and what I am saying and I just come of as awkward and boring.

I have a son which takes up a lot of my time and don't have a lot of support so starting hobby just seems unachievable. He is delayed in his development so we are constantly having appointments and what not. Plus my course takes up the days he is in care.

I just feel isolated.

Every friendship I have tried to engage in just seems to dwindle out. Or my depression will get in the way when it gets bad and I will push people away because I will be toxic to be around.

I just don't know what to do anymore. People say to just be yourself but I don't even know what that is. I just feel like I'm a shell with nothing inside.

I don't want to be 40 one day with no friends or substantial connections.

I feel like there is something broken inside of me that just keeps getting in the way and maybe I need to fix this before I can build friendships.

I have tried to put myself out there but nothing ever lasts. If I don't initiate a hang out with someone then I don't hear from anyone. No one checks up to see how I am. No one tries to hang out. Not even family.

I just really want to fix this. I want feel happy and light and laugh again. I really want friends .

[White_Rose]

Dear Treegirl

Hello and welcome to the forum. I think you have made a positive step in posting here. We have all been in similar situations to you and know how horrible it is. I am sorry your depression has hit so hard and I want to say please continue to post here where we can support you. You have also taken the positive step of meeting with a psychologist. You probably will not feel better overnight but over time, with the help of the psychologist and talking to us here, I think you will find life much improved and will be the happy person you want to be.

Becoming involved in something like a course means you must put your brain to work on what you are learning and this will help to stop thinking about how sad your life is. We do find ourselves going round in circles brooding over our lives so having an activity that makes you think about something different is a bonus. Well done and keep going. You have made three huge and positive steps in the right direction.

Trying to make yourself attractive with sparkling conversation does not work well when you feel so despairing. I know because I've been there. It's a bit like trying to pat your head and rub your tummy at the same time. It can be done but needs practice and motivation. Concentrate on what you can do the most easily which sounds like your course and seeing a psychologist. Neither are exactly easy but offer a lot to you at this time. Time to be sociable when you feel better, more relaxed and beginning to recover from your depression. Hold on to the thought that you will heal from whatever is causing you to feel so depressed.

May I ask, do you think it is the strain of caring for your son that is causing you so much stress and distress? It's quite normal to be concerned, as any parent will tell you, when your child has any kind of difficulty. I know how hard it was when my second daughter needed attention because of her difficulty with walking when one leg would not do as it was told. By then I had two other children who needed to go everywhere with me and I know I was very tired. It got sorted and now no one would know there was ever anything amiss.

Please keep talking to us. You are safe here and no one will upset you.

Mary