Introduction by Loobylou

Loobylou · ‎04-06-2015

Just wanted to quickly introduce myself. I am almost 48, married for 25.5 years we have 4 grown children, 3 of whom still live at home.I got online today to try & find some support/guidance to help me work my way out of the hole I currently find myself in. This is a hole I am all too familiar with, one I had actually hoped I would never find myself in again. I am finding that even if there is a familiarity to my present state of being, that in its self brings no comfort at all. Just deep fear because I know where this path leads. As an adult, I now look back & see that anxiety has always been a part of the way I respond to life. That response was manageable when I was a child, but started to escalate as I transitioned into adulthood. Anxiety started to shift from being specific to certain situations (ie heights, small spaces like lifts, stairs etc) to pervading all areas of my life by the time I was in my early 30's. I became severely agoraphobic, obviously unable to drive also. Life was interesting with 4 small children to care for. I had clawed my way back to being able to live a life I was happy with. Participating in all aspects of life. Never completely free of the anxiety but I felt I had it on a leash with the ability to rein it in if it started to get bossy. Feeling anxious wasn't fun but I did things in spite of those feelings. This year things have been slowly coming unravelled. The last month has seen the return of panic attacks. My world is getting smaller again as I find I am beginning to avoid all sorts of situations to try & prevent extreme anxiety & panic. Right now I am not sure what I am more afraid of, the giant black hole that is consuming me or loosing the freedom & confidence I had achieved. They are one & the same I guess. I have seen my GP, he wrote me a mental health treatment plan. I have begun to see a psychologist. I had a light bulb moment in the shower this morning. I realised I used to get up and think, RIGHT what am I going to do today. Now I wake up and assess how I feel, and wonder how I can avoid the anxiety and panic: how can I keep myself safe. Increasingly that means just staying put. I am trying to remember how I worked my way out of this before. I think I just had to be brave and DO no matter what. But I am feeling very raw and rattled. I have lost my brave and can't quite find it. So I am starting with connecting, hoping maybe someone can remind me where to start!

Jacko777 · ‎04-06-2015

Hi Loobylou,

Good on you for posting, I bet lots of people will relate to what you are saying.

I always start with LOVE. I believe you cannot have love and fear in your heart at the same time. Love each step that you need to take each day, love the challenge cause you know it will make you better. Love that you woke up and have the opportunity to grow. Love your self for having the courage to do what it takes and the intelligence to find good advice. Love your planet and all those around you.

If you know what needs to be done, you don't need to think about it, just do it! Do you meditate? Meditation helps me a lot to train my brain to focus on the positive and off the negative, it turns down/off my useless mind chatter.

You are in a good position knowing what has worked for you in the past, probably small steps each day. You are SO on the right track! Love to you, talk any time.

Jack

Loobylou · ‎05-06-2015

Hi Jack

thanks so much for the warm welcome and words of encouragement.

You are right, I do know what to do. I just think I have been so surprised by this diminishing of my coping skills that I have just let the panic overwhelm me.

Grateful that I had the sense to get to the GP for the treatment plan. I process things verbally so talk therapy has worked well for me in the past. Will be seeing the psychologist fortnightly but as you are aware I am sure 14 days is a long time to hang onto things to talk about. Hence seeking out this forum.

You asked about meditation. I use a couple of different guided relaxation apps on my smart phone. I have used them pretty consistently since I found them a couple of years ago. One of the few measures I still had in place for managing my anxiety.

I think I understand what you are saying about loving the challenge. In the guided relaxation it talks about acceptance of the discomfort anxiety brings. And I think maybe that is what I have lost. I have kinda been in denial : this isn't happening to me again. I have been fighting to hide it, control it. But it keeps getting bigger and more bossy. I am fighting for control but losing ground fast. So what I have been doing, isn't working. Today I have tried to change my response, it's been a slightly better day, hoping to log another one tomorrow.

Thanks again for the welcome

L.

White_Rose · ‎05-06-2015

Dear Loobylou

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. Good to see you have started your own thread. I read your introduction on the orientation page.

I love how you describe anxiety as being bossy. That's exactly how it is. Much like the the Black Dog of depression, it also needs to be kept to heel.

Like Jack I also meditate and find it so helpful. I do not use a guided mediation but whatever works is good

I find talking helpful. For me, the discussion in real time with the ability to ask questions or pursue something to a deeper level is what works. I also read a great deal which is good for me.

As Jack has commented, loving each step is a far better option than fighting, although that is our first reaction. Making friends with ourselves and our individual difficulties. I found myself resisting every step of the way because I just wanted it to go away by itself (as if), but finally realised it did not work that way. So now I embrace the steps as far as possible. Not that this is always successful and I am learning to forgive myself when I fall over.

Trying the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome does not make sense. It is exhausting but we do persist and get more frustrated. I hope its a human trait and not a personal one of mine.

Please continue to write in here.

Mary

Jacko777 · ‎05-06-2015

Hi Loobylou, i am glad you replied.

You are really building on your awareness of your self, don't stop! I liked it when you said 'RIGHT, What am I going to do today?' I sensed a bit of stiff upper lip in there, someone who takes on the challenges each day, give it a red hot go.

The meditation apps sound good, maybe you can ramp this up a little?

Just keep working in the moment, the moment is everything, practice choosing happiness in every moment, you are the boss of your mind, you tell that anxiety where to go!

Jack

yarnartisan · ‎06-06-2015

Hi Jacko,

I'm Yarnartisan I joined yesterday, under Nervous Newby. I've just read your reply to another member and it strikes a chord with me. Your comment about love and making friends with yourself.

I don't like myself, and loathe what this black cloud makes me.I feel constantly guilty at how it affects my husband and daughters, both on an emotional and financial sense (I've had to change jobs,as I could no longer cope with the job I was in, so a drop in income).

I feel guilt that becouse of my parents attitudes to mental health, anxiety, deperession , basically that it didn't exist in thier day etc, means I can't be open with them about it. And that goes for a lot of people I work with too. So it's almost like I'm carrying this dirty guilty secret illness.

I feel responsible that I passed on my genetic inheritance of poor serotnin uptake to my daughter , so she also has anxiety.So much of what I feel I know is illogical, but still so painful and exhausting and frustrating.

If I'm posting this in the wrong place I'm sorry, but i just needed to respond to what you said.

Any suggestions. I do meditate but mine is related to physical acitvity, in that when I swim laps and when I crochet, it's a medidtative, calming activity for me.

Jacko777 · ‎06-06-2015

Hi yarnartisan, thanks for your post. I am sorry to hear you are having a rough time and I am glad something has struck a chord for you. I can only tell you what has worked for me, over the years I have had counseling, AD's for a short while and I have read hundreds of books about mental health, spirituality, religion and positive thinking. I have meditated a lot and I am always passionate about discovering more about my true self. Everyone's true self, I believe, has limitless amounts of unconditional love. You see it when we drop our mind matters, say if there is an event or an emergency in the community, people drop what they are doing to help others 'out of the goodness of their heart.' I think I have partly learnt to draw back the curtain of my conditioned mind and reveal my true spirit.

It is important for me to separate my challenges, maybe on paper, so I break them down into small goals and plans in each issue, I work it back to the small steps I can take today. This helps me to reduce the overwhelming feeling that 'everything' is bad and it ensures I am on the right path. We are always faced with challenges, the key for me is to know that, yes, today I will be challenged, now I have a choice, I can think negatively about the challenge from my conditioned mind that doesn't like challenges or I can take on the challenge by responding with my true loving nature. It is what it is, emotion won't help to change it.

If you are on a path of recovery you can choose to have compassion for that part of your self that is unwell. You can hate how your condition makes you feel or you can choose to love that you are on a path of recovery, it's a shift in focus that takes practice. I completely understand the guilt you feel and carry around, I guess the question is, who does this guilt serve? I suppose you can only work on the things you can change, as you say your parents are from a different era and you can find compassion for them as people that aren't comfortable talking about this stuff. You are talking here and that's great, do you have friends that will talk?

I don't reckon you passed on your serotonin issue to your daughter on purpose. I know it's sad, but being sad isn't going to help. All you can do is ensure you are following any medical paths that might help and give her all the love you can.

I am glad you are doing your mind calming activities, sounds good. Meditation sharpens he mind so you can focus on he good stuff. Talk any time.

Jack