I was a great mother

[Kyzzy]

I wish I could just hit rewind!

I have 5 children and 2 step children. All I ever wanted to be was a mum. Raising a blended family (2x2 yo & 2x4 yo) had its challenges but my husband and I worked through them and we did a fantastic job. We had a daughter together a few year later. She was such a great baby and a real charismatic toddler. I still didn’t feel like our family was complete. We decided to have one more child. Famous last words. We had twins. I wasn’t really worried about having two babies, I just thought oh well it’s just an extra nappy change and an extra feed. BOY WAS I WRONG. Having 7 kids under 9 was tough. I really struggled with the twins with very little support from anyone. My husband worked long hours and had an hour and half round trip to work and his work was physical and draining. I think that was the point when I started to feel useless and felt like I wasn’t a good mum. I won’t bore you with all the details from then to now but the twins are 11 now, and I feel like I have failed my whole family.

[white knight]

Hi

I wouldn't cope well either. Few would.

I used to drive 90 minutes to work 30 years ago, it isn't sustainable for long. He'd be exhausted by the time he got home and unlikely to be able to help out.

I suggest a GP visit to discuss this.

In the meantime google this please'

Beyondblue topic the best praise you'll ever get

TonyWK

[Sophie_M]

Dear Kyzzy,
 
Firstly, welcome to the forums we are so glad that you found your way to this supportive and welcoming community. We hope that you find ideas, options and support from the shared experiences and knowledge of all our members. This is a safe space to share and express your own feelings, struggles and experiences without judgement.

Regards

Sophie M

[geoff]

Hello Kyzzy, and a warm welcome to the forums.

I can absolutely feel the exhaustion and hard work you must have to do, each day and night and I say this because I'm from a family of 5 kids and the last baby Mum and Dad had were twins, which I'm one of them, so there were 5 kids under 9 and would have been a real struggle for Mum, as Dad worked long hours being a doctor.

I can't remember back in those days too much, but know that Mum could have someone who lived on the premises to do the hard yarns, but understand what you're saying.

You have all our support and want you to realise this.

Best ishes.

Geoff.

[Petal22]

Hi Kyzzy,

Wellcome to our forums!

Im sorry you are feeling this way.

I understand that what you are going through would feel exhausting.

Its tough being a mum and to not have much help would be hard…….. I understand with your husband working he’d also be tired.

Can I ask you why you feel Ike you aren’t a good mum and failed your family?

I understand that sometimes Mums and dads can suffer with postnatal anxiety or postnatal depression…….. I understand your twins are 11 now how did you feel when they were younger?

I understand the feeling “ of just wanting to be a mum” and then when we are we don’t expect it to be so hard…….

I suffered postnatal anxiety and OCD when my children where young it was a difficult time for me I remember sitting in my psychiatrists office saying “ all I ever wanted to be was a mum, and now I have these conditions to deal with “…….

It was a really rough time for me but with the professional help I received I recovered and things got a lot easier…..

Have you spoken to a professional about the way you are feeling?

Im here to chat to you

[Karen0901]

You said you feel like you failed your family but it sounds like you were very strong to get through those younger years almost alone.

No one is perfect. I'm sure you made a few mistakes, everyone does. You can't beat yourself up over it though. You have obviously been concerned about this for awhile. Have you talked to your partner about it? They may be able to give you some perspective. Your life is also YOURS. A lot of parents forget about this (I also do this sometimes) and you deserve consideration as well.

[tranzcrybe]

I am the youngest in my family, and clearly my parents realised they had reached perfection (;D)... or, maybe a little closer to the truth, that was good as it was ever going to get, so...

Raising 7 kids would have been a real challenge to maintaining your own identity. All work and no play...
Now your kids are becoming more independent (ie self interested), there may be that void creeping in where you are having to face what you have been putting off for so long: your SELF.

Since all you "ever wanted to be was a mum", you might be longing for your time over again or even just wanting to rekindle the responsibility for all those tiny souls to nurture.
You could always become a foster mum but that may be avoiding the issue.

Regarding 'failure', I think there are lulls in the parenting role where there is some reflection and even disconnect with the direction things have taken, but your children are finding their own path and likely making mistakes along the way - that's all part of the process, and sometimes all you can do is observe and intervene as absolutely necessary. I doubt there is such a thing as the perfect parent (or child!) and running yourself through the wringer over things you may have done better has no relevance - such things define and strengthen character.
As they get older, your role will change (and adapt) accordingly as you will always be their mother and surely be there for them.

True, you have raised your children, but one shouldn't forget that in so many ways they have raised you also. Would you really want to lose all that if you could simply 'rewind'?