I've never talked to anyone about this lmao here I go

[akwueyrhqow3iueyr98q23whe]

Hello,

So....umm, I don't really know where to start....I've lowkey never posted on the internet before so smth new everyday...recently..actually not recently its been a while now but well I've found it really hard to stay positive, but the thing is that's what I'm like known for. People are always like omgosh your so positive! wow you really are so optimistic but honestly i just want to fall into a deep sleep forever... I get home and it'll be around 4:00pm and I'll just sleep because I'm so unmotivated to do any work. Im locked in my room isolated from the rest of my family day in and day out. I'm not allowed to get angry or display any sort of negative emotions in my household because i have a brother with severe autism and he gets triggered by that sort of stuff and he throws massive tantrums and gets violent and loud. So I'm told to pretend I'm mute before I walk into my house which i dont really like. I dont know....I hate going home, I hate being at school because I DONT WANT to be positive all the time, i honestly hate smiling and i hate being around people and pretending to be someone im not. But i hate being alone because then im stuck with my own thoughts and that never turns out well BUT the same thing happens at school you know??? like i'll be with a whole bunch of people and then i'll just zone out and start thinking about like bad things and i'll have to ask to go to the bathroom just so i can escape all the noise and avoid people seeing me breakdown. And i really want to talk to someone, I used to talk to a friend but i just don't want to bog her down with all this stuff because i know she's going through stuff as well but i can't talk to anyone because after i told my mum about a panic attack i had she said that I better not have any mental problems because she can't stand another looney in her household so idk i guess i came here...I know i am blessed and i have a good life but i don't deserve it and I just want to sleep. I don't want to have to deal with the stress of the future or stress of the present or anything because its physically painful and i just want to go sleep but thats so selfish because i know my family needs me to look after my brother when everyone else is gone so yup thats me anyways thanks for listening God bless

[Soberlicious96]

Hi Akwue.....

That's a bit of a long username there, hope you don't mind that I took the shorter option! Welcome to Beyond Blue.

It sounds like you've got a bit of stuff going on there. Perhaps you could see if there is some sort of local support group for those living with a family member with a disability?

I think too that perhaps if you keep denying your feelings and constantly putting on a brave face, that one day it just might become all too much. So another suggestion; perhaps if you can/do contact some sort of local support group or service, that it may also pay to ask if they provide some sort of respite service for your brother, or yourself and/or others who care for him.

I used to work for a disability support service whose clients were mostly children with autism, of which part of our services was to run carer support groups, as well as an annual carer support weekend. Students who were studying disability would also participate in the family support weekend by looking after the kids with autism while the parents and other siblings could go off and have massage, or go fishing, engage in craft activities, fishing for the Dad's. There was plenty to do, and it was great!

I no longer work for that organization (it was a long time ago) and I believe there has been some major restructuring within the organization. Nonetheless it taught me a LOT about autism and the struggles that families are faced with.

And while sleep is great and a wonderful thing, it is not necessarily going to solve or change what's happening for you. I really think it's worthwhile seeking/researching on what support services are available to you.

Anyway, I can't tell what you should or should not do; all of the above is just suggestions. I do hope that you find some help soon. And keep in mind, we are here for you and with you 24/7.

Take care. xo