I think I'm failing at life...

[wez]

Hey, just joined because I felt like I needed to get something off my chest. I need to tell someone. I'm failing at life, most days I don't even feel like a human being. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't speak, sometimes I can't even breathe. I can't function, I can't live. Why am I like this? I'm so fortunate, I'm surrounded by family who love me, friends who will support me no matter what, I have a bed to sleep in and food to eat, but I can't do anything, I'm hopeless. I haven't been this bad in a while. I know I should call my therapist but I can't even pick up the phone let alone book an appointment. I can't even speak most the time, every sound, touch, and smell freak me out, and curling under my blankets in the dark just makes me think even more. They say journalling is supposed to help, telling people is supposed to help so why does acknowledging my incompetence feel so bad? I'll probably be better in a couple days, I'll pretend this didn't happen and continue masquerading as a functioning member of society but I know next time I crash like this it'll be even worse. I don't know how many more times I can handle crashing like this. 

[therising]

The warmest of welcomes to you during what sounds like a truly impossible and torturous time in your life.

I imagine it would be true for you to say 'No one has ever taught or shown me how to live under the circumstances I face'. With this is mind, how would you know how to do it? How would you know how to live under such incredibly depressing and debilitating circumstances? With this thought, be kind to yourself. Show yourself compassion when it comes to such a struggle, one that you may have faced in the past but not to this degree.

Personally, I've found myself questioning in the past 'What's wrong with me? Why can't I get better (when it comes to depression)? Why, when things improve, do they go down hill again?' and I've also asked myself 'Why is it so much worse or so much harder this time?'. While all these questions are a part of the same quest, a quest for self understanding and self development, I've found each to have a very specific answer

• 'What's wrong with me?'. I swapped this question long ago for a much healthier one, 'Why am I ticking the way I am?'. 'Why am I thinking this way?', which relates to mental factors. 'Why am I feeling this way?', which relates to physical/chemical/biological factors. 'Why am I experiencing life in this way?', which can be more of a soulful kind of factor. Another way of putting that last one is 'Why does life feel so soul destroying?'.
• 'Why can't I get better (when it comes to depression)?'. While this question was originally more so about never returning to depression ever again, it's now come to be about how good I can get when it comes to managing depressing or potentially depressing challenges. The conclusion I reached was 'I am always going to feel what's depressing because it's in my nature to feel what's depressing, just as it's in my nature to feel other things too. It's become about being able to get a better feel for the cause, what's led to such depressing side effects or symptoms. We don't feel depression for no good reason. It can also be about developing a sense of when it's a 'I can't do this alone' kind of challenge
• 'Why, when things improve, do they go down hill again?'. It's said that we develop or evolve through challenges and that includes deeply depressing ones. If life feels like a roller coaster, you could say the downs or depressions are learning points and the ups involve having raised our self through what we've come to learn about that challenge and our self
• 'Why is it so much worse or so much harder this time?'. It's the nature of a next level challenge to be the hardest challenge so far and it can lead us to feel like we're failing. I much prefer to see it not as failing but as struggling to make sense of what it's really about. We could say 'I've felt this way before but it's never been this bad'. For example, in the past we may have struggled to eat well, sleep well, express our self and even breathe easily but we've managed to make it through what feels a little debilitating. Next level could involve a depressing lack of nutrition, a depressing lack of sleep, lack of self expression and a lack of what breathing offers us. Add a depressing lack of activity and achievement and it can become about a depressing lack of dopamine hits to the brain. Throw in some depressing inner dialogue, with a depressing lack of inspiration, and stir the pot. If everything that's lacking involves the things give us energy, it's impossible to experience high end emotions (energies in motion) with low energy levels

While I acknowledge psychology, biology and chemistry as being the things that influence our existence and the way we feel life, I'm a soulful gal at heart. One of the things I can't live without while in a depression is inspiration. Inspiration is that which breathes life into us. While we can be genuinely grateful for all we have, it's still hard to live without inspiration.