I'm pretty sure I have all of the disorders... or most of them at least!

[Dust_Dirt]

Hi there.

Firstly, I haven't been on here in years, and I never ever introduced myself, so I'll do that now. I hope my twisted sense of humour doesn't offend (as I don't actually have ALL of the disorders), and I'm sincerely going to do my best not to make it always about me but that seems to be the way it is for many of us with borderline personality disorders.

Born neurodivergent (with a few neurotypes). People often say that they're "neurodiverse" but everyone is on the neurodiversity spectrum - down one end you have those, with what are now recognised as "neurotypical" brains, and on the other end there are those of us that are neurodivergent (as in - diverging from that which is typical), right through to the neuro-minority end and people like me, autistic-synesthetes, etc. I know a lot of people think autism and ND is a illness but it's not (as someone with it), neither is it a "super power". But I can honestly say that I love the ND part of who I am!!!

It's the rest that causes me the most issues.

I had a traumatic childhood and I know that is when I changed I now know that intergenerational trauma and how that works itself into our genes plays a part in this too.  First attempt at suicide was 12 years. Had attempts in the past because that didn't work I just focused all the self hatred inward.

Thats when the ED and body dysmorphia started. I'm also queer - on all the levels.
 In 2015 I was glassed in the face which resulted in a traumatic brain injury. Making my already really different brain, really different again.

But - it's my coping mechanisms that have become a full blown personality disorder, that are really destroying my life, right now.

This is the first time I am writing about it - having just booked into to see my GP about it, for the first time ever. I started working through the ED and BDD last November and that's why I reckon I now have more headspace to face the BPD - yay... I'm so glad I have so many disorders. Not.

It's super confronting and scary - even though I know why I do all the hypersexual, self medicating, manipulating and self destructive stuff... it's still full on to finally recognise how much harm that has caused me and others.

I know I can do this though.

[Dust_Dirt]

Honestly - whomever edited this... did not do a good job at all. I'm really disappointed. After finally writing about this - to only have someone tamper with the facts of my life. Again, I understand that some of the language had to change but as for the rest, I don't agree with the email I received from Sophie. This is actually causing me more stress now, than actually writing it.

[Forrest]

Hi Dust&Dirt.

It's nice to meet you and hope to get to know you more. I'm having a bit of a thing over here myself at the moment which is keeping me from putting many sentences together, so I'll keep it brief, but just want to say I'm sorry your first experience posting here was so rough, I hope it doesn't make you disappear because you're valuable.

Warmth and empathy

[yggdrasil]

Hi Dust&Dirt,

Thank you so much for posting on here - it's really brave of you being so open, and you should be proud of that. It also sounds like you've developed some really deep self awareness, and are keen to do what you have to do to make life better for yourself and others - you should be proud of this too! Well done also for opening up to your GP about all this - this is usually a good first step.

It sounds like you've had far more than your fair share of suffering and challenges to bear. I haven't experienced any of the issues you're dealing with myself, but my sister had very serious eating disorders for most of my teens and early twenties, and my Mum has BPD. Both had devastating consequences for them, and for the rest of our family, so I really feel for what you must be going through. Both my sister and Mum are doing much better now however.

I'm also really sorry to hear it was distressing having your post edited. Like Forrest said, it would be a real shame if this experience stopped you from continuing to share your story with people you trust. I've never moderated an online forum before, but I used to "facilitate" an in-person anxiety/depression peer support group, and us "facilitators" were a bit like moderators. There were some topics that were extremely volatile and high risk, and because many of the people attending the groups were very vulnerable, we had to be extremely careful how were steered discussion around such topics. This moderation was extremely difficult, and very far from an exact-science, and I'm sure we got it wrong plenty of times. We were all volunteers, essentially trying to figure it out as we went. I imagine Beyond Blue faces similar challenges moderating these forums.

Have you ever considered some form of artistic expression, e.g. music, visual art, or spoken word poetry? There are often some very beginner friendly open mic nights in pubs around the place. Expressing yourself in "artistic" settings typically involves no moderation, or at least less moderation, than in other settings.

Wishing you all the best,

yggdrasil

[mmMekitty]

Hello Dust&Dirt,

I am a little careful with my sense of humour, understanding how words in print may not be received as I have intended. I've heard that deploying a sense of humour is a kind of 'self-defence thing. Personally, I'm not sure I'd be here without my humour or sense of the absurd & still being able to play.

& I understand about how important it is for people to have their own words respected.

The thing to remember is that when posting here, it may be useful to imagine you are addressing a whole room full of people, some very young people,& some with sensitivities we may not be able to guess.

For myself, I think I've become more able to cope with & manage the thoughts & feelings stemming from my past, better by facing them, naming them, describing them , questioning why & how, what for now, & examining what was going on in my head then, & later how I coped for many years, & later still, how I coped with certain changes ,& how I view my past & what I can do now. I won't do any of that if I run away every time I imagine someone might say something which might be a trigger in that moment.

So personally, while it upsets me greatly, I try to keep within the rules, & keep my detailed writing (mostly) to myself.

*

Seeking help & dealing with the BPD related problems, I think is a fantastic move. You know already. you can find people here who are willing to share of their own experiences & who will support you how we can

I'm very heartened to read that you are aware it will be difficult, & is scary & that you are feeling confident to go ahead & face these problems. 😺

*

I'm willing to talk more, as you wish.

Warmly,

mmMekitty

[Banksy92]

Hi Dust&Dirt,

Thank you for sharing your story and for being so honest and open about what you're going through. I am sorry to hear you have had such difficult experiences and challenges with your mental health.

I think you should be really proud of the fact you are opening up, seeking help for the ED and BDD, as well as reaching out for support here too. These are key steps on your journey towards feeling more in control and at ease.

Have you had your appointment with your GP yet? If so, how did it go? I hope they were able to work with you to take the next best steps for professional support.

If you feel comfortable sharing, it would be great to know a bit more about you. Do you have any close friends or family in your life as support right now? Do you work, study or have hobbies you enjoy doing?

Look forward to hearing from you.